I Put A Spell On You

[trajik]

Thanks Marv, I appreciate it!

[Lyr1kz]

Traj, I'm going to nitpick a bit, take it or leave it, but this is the only way I feel you'll get better, which is what we both want from you, so here it goes.


This is wayyyy too wordy and doesn't fit with the scheme you had going previously. You have a much more fast-paced scheme to start off the piece, but then this 4th line is really slowing it down and using such huge words (syllable wise) so close together makes it almost a tongue twister and you get lost in the flow and lose focus of the concept cause you have to go back and re-read it. Using bigger words is an advantage when done correctly, but that phrase was almost too compound and it made the idea lose connection for me. Moving on....



The way you took this line was way too stretched flow wise and I would suggest this, just as something minor...take out the word "to" in the first line there and change "make" to "makes" and for the second line maybe something like..."Sit down with your hands up while your thoughts are getting scanned" - IMHO, you've got great ideas and lack execution, which is true for many, many writers out there, not just on RB or any website. Anyhow, there's more, but with time, you'll take the advice and apply it to each line and it'll just become second nature eventually, just keep working at it. On the bright side, this was conceptually good, imagery was pretty nice and you stayed on topic, which is always a plus. You've got the makings of something great here, now expand. Good job buddy.

Agreed! Pretty dope verse tho overall