I Put A Spell On You

[trajik]

"I Put A Spell on You"

My name is Uncle Sam, I mainly don't give a damn about you
You're all my minions, doing precisely what I want you to
With a mission to condition you since adolescence 
Implementation of disinformation to the nation's essence
Dandy propaganda to make you stand up on command
Sit down, hands up, your thoughts are scanned, indoctrinated as planned
Voting for the president, he's just my resident patsy
Thinking he runs things, really I'm controlling from the back seat
Send you to battle and you'll saddle up without questioning
My authority 'cause your priority's that freedom thing
Funny because you're free as caged dogs but I've convinced you otherwise 
I'll smother wise thinking and educate you with other lies
Utterly oblivious to my hideous deceit
Brainwash like shampoo, lather rinse and repeat
When I command you to jump you're reaching for the moon
When I say dive, you dig your own grave, you'll be buried soon
The world is still, but I'll have you believe it's twirlin'
Fantastic wizard, casting spells on you, call me Merlin



Feedback Links
1. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...6&postcount=13
2. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...7&postcount=16
3. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...1&postcount=11

[Str8 JackIt]

With a mission to condition you since adolescence
Implementation of disinformation to the nation's essence
Dandy propaganda to make you stand up on command
Sit down, hands up, your thoughts are scanned, indoctrinated as planned
Voting for the president, he's just my resident patsy
Thinking he runs things, really I'm controlling from the back seat
Send you to battle and you'll saddle up without questioning
My authority 'cause your priority's that freedom thing
Funny because you're free as caged dogs but I've convinced you otherwise
I'll smother wise thinking and educate you with other lies
Utterly oblivious to my hideous deceit
Brainwash like shampoo, lather rinse and repeat

the bolded is all truth, coming from a military member in the flesh

this shit had a nice flow, i think it was an easy topic to choose and most would've avoided the military....but you portrayed it in a more entertaining way than i expected once i read fully through...def an improvement being seen here.

good content, concept, consistency, no unnecessary vocab...nice

[Bizarre]

this piece had me hooked from the start.. i like concept used here and the potential you put into this. the flow stayed consistent throughout the whole verse. I'm liking the two similes used in it, quoted above in bold.. especially the way you worded the shampoo line.. the whole verse was worded nicely. i loved the vocab used here as well. pretty much just a perfectly executed topic with no mistakes. it was quite entertaining and i learned a lot from it.. the way you worded this one line stuck out to me too- "I'll smother wise thinking and educate you with other lies." using the word smother here made this line so strong. the rhyme scheme could've been better but I'm not complaining. for how short it was, you executed a lot and kept my attention in the palms on your hands. i plan on seeing more from you soon. keep on writing.

[SenecaHaze]

i liked this piece fairly simple concept.

some of them rhymes were a little basic,
and the flow wasnt 100% on target

but it was entertaining short and simple... the ending i wasnt digging very much tho... felt it could have ended on a stronger note although it did go with your title.

Funny because you're free as caged dogs but I've convinced you otherwise
I'll smother wise thinking and educate you with other lies

best bar in this piece.

With a mission to condition you since adolescence
Implementation of disinformation to the nation's essence

also enjoyed this bar quite a bit


overall solid drop man.

[A.T.]

This was dope... wish it was longer, tbh (not often I say that).
The content and premise of this reminds me of a song (No Handlebars).
You should take a listen to it, I'm sure its on Youtube. You held a
good flow all the way through. Very interesting read, one that I am
more than willing to read again. Seeing the title, I wasn't intriqued
at first, I must admit, but there is a certain dopeness about the title
after reading it and your closer. Mad props homie! We should definately
collab sometime!

[Express'on]

This was cool...I dont think it is where you want it to be yet though because you still have quite a few slip ups where you are tryin to fit too much into a line...for example

Implementation of disinformation to the nation's essence

Sit down, hands up, your thoughts are scanned, indoctrinated as planned

Utterly oblivious to my hideous deceit

These seem real bunched up and lose the natural feel, i think if you could be a little more consistent with the scheme, you will be force next week...also I would tellyou to stay away from cliche references..

Fantastic wizard, casting spells on you, call me Merlin

Just really takes away any emotion...

Overall this is cool drop...not sure if it would have won though...keep writing bro

[Heaven]

At first i didnt know where you were coming from. I re read it, all the pieces came together. This is a sweet drop. you've got some pretty tight imagery & im loving the rinse lather repeat. This poem really brings up your hate for the government although its not like a F*ck the police kind of way. If you catch my drift. Nonetheless pretty swell piece, too short though. I'd love to see more of you in this concept. Keep it up

[Brandon Cee]

Traj, I'm going to nitpick a bit, take it or leave it, but this is the only way I feel you'll get better, which is what we both want from you, so here it goes.

With a mission to condition you since adolescence
Implementation of disinformation to the nation's essence

This is wayyyy too wordy and doesn't fit with the scheme you had going previously. You have a much more fast-paced scheme to start off the piece, but then this 4th line is really slowing it down and using such huge words (syllable wise) so close together makes it almost a tongue twister and you get lost in the flow and lose focus of the concept cause you have to go back and re-read it. Using bigger words is an advantage when done correctly, but that phrase was almost too compound and it made the idea lose connection for me. Moving on....

Dandy propaganda to make you stand up on command
Sit down, hands up, your thoughts are scanned, indoctrinated as planned

The way you took this line was way too stretched flow wise and I would suggest this, just as something minor...take out the word "to" in the first line there and change "make" to "makes" and for the second line maybe something like..."Sit down with your hands up while your thoughts are getting scanned" - IMHO, you've got great ideas and lack execution, which is true for many, many writers out there, not just on RB or any website. Anyhow, there's more, but with time, you'll take the advice and apply it to each line and it'll just become second nature eventually, just keep working at it. On the bright side, this was conceptually good, imagery was pretty nice and you stayed on topic, which is always a plus. You've got the makings of something great here, now expand. Good job buddy.

[The Gwapfather]

Overall I was diggin the concept, just needed to be executed a lil better, some lines got a lil wordy, you had good vocab, imagery was solid, but again if you would have fixed up the wordy lines and maybe brought in a lil more to this piece (far as depth in content AND in the actual amount of lines) then the imagery would have been a bit stronger, but all in all was a cool read fam..

[Vinzr]

I love this man. I definitely have seen some major improvements in your writing since one of your first appearances in the OM, you have definitely come along way to move towards perfecting your art.

In this piece I thought the concept was good and you worked with it well. I agree with what Brandon and Gwap said about the wording, I didn't find it a big problem but it was definitely something that needed improvement especially with your improvement as a writer. Other than that I think you did great here. Good work!

[Bloodyhands]

yo man, this piece was great, seriously. the shortness of it, that was the only thing that bothered me.. Brandon is right too, change that little section. other than that, i enjoyed everything about this piece. the flow was good. at first, seeing how short it was, i really didn't think it'd be this nice or interesting. i was quite shocked. solid imagery, good vocabulary, similes and i really like the Merlin pun you ended it with.. verbally, you bodied this. sadly, it was this short! oh well, either way, that doesn't change my mind at all about it. you have skill. i love the concept. lots of potential. keep them coming.

[trajik]

Thanks for the feed everyone, I'll return it if I see a piece of yours.

[Prophet Margin]

this was pretty good man

good rhyme scheme as usual, the concept is a good one, one i particularly enjoy, and even tho its a bit played you put a fresh spin on it

flow was there too, and although people say the wording was off at points i found the wording kinda creative to be honest

With a mission to condition you since adolescence
Implementation of disinformation to the nation's essence
Voting for the president, he's just my resident patsy
Thinking he runs things, really I'm controlling from the back seat
Utterly oblivious to my hideous deceit
Brainwash like shampoo, lather rinse and repeat
The world is still, but I'll have you believe it's twirlin'
Fantastic wizard, casting spells on you, call me Merlin

Fav Bars^^^


Stay up man youre doing good. Solid piece.

[trajik]

Thanks for the feed prophet, those are my favorite bars too.

Stop by once in a while and say hi to the crew you're a part of lol.

[Art.]

its great to see you elevating man i remember first seeing your name in SS and your getting better with each drop this was pretty good although i found some sentences a bit wordy and it kinda messed up your flow but you picked it up and came back with more content which i reallly enjoyed. keep it up man keep elevating work on making your wording a bit smoother and youl be reall good!