Quick little piece

[ThaUnknown]

I wrote this to a beat, it flowed right on it, and this is a quick little sumthin i put together


ima beast, i can’t be tamed, they had to put my ancestors in chains
so if i’m ever reactin in rage, it’s cuz whatever u put me in just feels like a cage
Don’t point me in that direction, i can’t be driven insane
your driven insane, cuz we’re really only one and the same
and girl, if love is a game is it wrong if ima player
but girl i love you, feel i could put it on paper
on everything,you don’t have to listen, but can you hear my persuasion
I’m fearin’ amazement, not tryna find a suprise that’s as clear as day is
but that’s life, move on, and if you can’t do it, just use u-haul
dribble everyday, make sure u ball, n’ watch yer step, they wanna see you fall
just walk the walk, they wanna see you crawl,
cuz they’d love to see me crawl, but they can’t see me at all
I’m on anotha level, and sorry there is no elevator
but chu would think there was by the way i’m elevatin’
got an A-track swag, I just wanna get my record playin’
got a Tupac swag, I wanna give the game some changes
but we all have dreams, i want you to believe mine is worth seein’
I’m just confined to the grind cuz it’s mine against 6 billion
I’m just confined to the grind cuz tony hawk’s mindest is killin
I’m endurin the pain, can you tell me when my eyes start drippin
cuz when my eyes start drippin’, that’s when i start winnin
I’m goin’ all in, with my emotions all in it
it’s only logical... I am promotin’ this physics
just take a note and/or listen, to some grandeur spittin’
the one to provoke a generation to dance with existence
and be eternal, be a legend, be a kernel gettin’ solder’s respect n’
just respect this perspective or get lossed in the spectacle’s sketchiness
it measures with excellence, recyclable and is no way repetitive
change, i am the realist, here to show you how enjoyable a lecture is
how enjoyable a lecture is, Hip Hop, i am runnin’ for president


It’s hard to stay strong when the demons invade ya thoughts
when it seems there is no other right but wrong, so
I alienate my space so i can see the situation i wanna face
and unleash the heavens when i talk, so
There’s truth in my bars as i shoot for the stars
tragedy for another galaxy, talkin’ far past mars
talkin’ all that char, gettin’ on the nars
like the old tiger i could neva settle for par, so
I just need to get away, i don’t have a barcode
so get drunk off my words, you can neva say the bars closed
who is anakin skywalker it’s obvious that i’m chose,
to spit that real spit that’s been slippin under my nose,
or everybodies, i am one person but these verses for everybody

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...945/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...994/index.html

[Atmospheric]

Alright..
The structure to the piece was horrible. That was the first thing I thought when reading this. First, you start the first 2 bars off, and than talk about your girl, or a girl... Which is all cool, BUT... Than, a few bars after that, you just went on to a whole bunch of other shit and completely blew it off course throughout the rest of the piece.
The flow wasn't all that great either. I didn't see any multis. Hip Hop isn't just about writing words that rhyme at the end of every line.. If that was the case, a lot of people would be famous right now. So, look into those multis.
About the piece, creativity wise, it kinda failed there too. I didn't see any outstanding lines- No puns, no metaphors, no similes, or any skills of that sort.. Nothing that came as eye-shocking. And, when doing pieces like this, that's what you need. That's what real emcees look for.

Now.. Don't take any of this the wrong way, dude. I'm not trying to sound rude. Just trying to help you elevate. Give you some tips so you kinda get the whole writing idea better. Keep em coming! I'll keep checking them out.

[ThaUnknown]

As i said this was a quick little piece, with no particular topic, but thanks for your feed, if you wanna critique one of my better pieces, i should be posting it soon

[Joe Boston]

Yeah no hate i gotta agree just diffrent concepts all the place which confused me. Stick to one concept and feed off that. As far as words and vocab didnt see much stand out to give an imagery feel twards this piece.

Like the 2nd part i thought wasnt that bad u stuck on a concept but yo if ur concept was LIFE in general spit about that put something creative in it that will stand out to us. Again no hate


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...015/index.html
Feed appreciated Thank You

[Bos]

Your rhyming ain't that bad, but your concepts were all over the place. Stick to one concept, so people get a better view on your piece. I thought your concept in your first bar was pretty good, too bad you didn't stick with it. I know you just came up with it, but it would've been a far better piece if you sticked with one concept. Don't let all this negative to stop you from future writing, cause you got potential. Use it as advice for your next drop. No hate and keep elevating. Feed this back, please: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...015/index.html