Vietnam

[IVIario]

Okay so this is something different then i normally rap about. I have a little history project at school and were studying the vietnam war. I wrote a single verse rap using the "against the war" stand point. Using alot of vocab from the time. I did this pretty quick. Kept it kind of simple and short. But I think It's pretty decent, considering I gotta present it. So lemme know what you think or what I should change.







Vietnam was bloody, but it's part of history.
And it could have been avoided that's what really gets to me.
These kids dying for their country, fighting over seas.
This world is a puzzle, we just cant find the piece (peace).
Gulf of Tonkin never happened, it was all a lie.
Just so they could justify dropping bombs from the sky.
Saw a picture of a soldier, he looked like a wreck.
He had a bandolier of bullets, but a peace sign around his neck.
Doves are against it, and hawks are for war.
The public is split in half like geneva accords.
They fled to Canada to try and leave before.
Why should they fight a war that they don't support.
Children dying in the night, napalm dropped from a plane.
Agent orange sprayed, causing cancer in their brains.
And the soldiers that survived, lived to see another day.
But the war was like a scar, cause it doesn't go away.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...675/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...923/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...932/index.html

[Voyce Box]

well, 'before' reading it, i noticed how short it was and i really didn't think this was gonna be very effective, but i guess i was wrong.. regardless, i was gonna read it and leave feedback, like i always do to every piece i open up. anyway, this piece, man, short but very effective.. first, what stuck out to me the most, was the metaphors and similes, instantly- i loved the way you worded them. the flow was nice and smooth, too, giving this a very enjoyable read, from beginning to end. and, obviously, the structuring was well done, too. the 'peace' metaphor was my favorite, because it really expresses everyday life and war. i think the only thing that effected this piece was how short it was.. after reading it, i just wanted to keep reading more, because you had me pretty hooked in with your writing skills and the concept you've chosen. but, no big deal, i liked it, just as it is.. keep putting that pen to work, bro. i wanna see more from you.

[Achroite]

Vietnam was bloody, but it's part of history.
And it could have been avoided that's what really gets to me.
Opens nice, good multi-syllable.

These kids dying for their country, fighting over seas.
This world is a puzzle, we just cant find the piece (peace).
Loved the peace line, very clever writing! Best line for me.

Gulf of Tonkin never happened, it was all a lie.
Just so they could justify dropping bombs from the sky.
Flows nice, 'All a lie' 'From the sky' was nice.

Saw a picture of a soldier, couldn't help but notice that.
He had a bandolier of bullets, peace sign around his neck.
Doesn't rhyme together too well, but an okay line.

Doves are against it, and hawks are for war.
The public is split in half like geneva accords.
Nice one here.

They fled to Canada to try and leave before.
Why should they fight a war that they don't support.
Seems to flow nicely, okay line.

Children dying in the night, napalm dropped from a plane.
Agent orange sprayed, causing cancer in their brains.
Again flowed well.

And the soldiers that survived, lived to see another day.
But the war was like a scar, cause it doesn't go away.
Nice, fairly strong ending I would say.

I think would be nice if it were longer.
An entertaining read, would love to see more!

[Skitzo]

definatly feelings this agreed ^^^^ since it was short i wasnt really expectin much but nice topic to go on didnt flow bad at all good drop

[#PrimeTime]

Vietnam was bloody, but it's part of history.
And it could have been avoided that's what really gets to me.
good syllable count here. decent opener here.

These kids dying for their country, fighting over seas.
This world is a puzzle, we just cant find the piece (peace).
^ true. good metaphor in your 2nd line here.

Gulf of Tonkin never happened, it was all a lie.
Just so they could justify dropping bombs from the sky.
not bad.

Saw a picture of a soldier, couldn't help but notice that.
He had a bandolier of bullets, peace sign around his neck.
that/neck doesn't really rhyme

Doves are against it, and hawks are for war.
The public is split in half like geneva accords.
true.

They fled to Canada to try and leave before.
Why should they fight a war that they don't support.
good line.

Children dying in the night, napalm dropped from a plane.
Agent orange sprayed, causing cancer in their brains.
nice

And the soldiers that survived, lived to see another day.
But the war was like a scar, cause it doesn't go away.
would've like to seen a metaphor here instead of a simile. but not a bad closer

Breakdown:
You're piece was pretty good. couple of things though felt that this coulda been written a little better but by no means is that bad. I personally was diggin the metaphors throughout the piece, i wish u stuck with some more metaphors, like the last line you gave a similie. not bad im just sayin. I also wish u woulda written this piece a little longer, i realise that this was a quick freestyle, but it was good for written in such a small legth. I think you shoulda added some more imagery and emotion to this piece, that woulda made this piece better. Still, this piece wasn't bad at all homie. I'd 'preciate it if u were to write some more pieces and ill be lookin forward to reading them in the future. not bad homie, keep at it.

[IVIario]

Thanks for all the feed guys. Appreciate it. @Jeffry, I used a simile at the end because it flows better with the "like" IMO. I'm trying to improve so thanks for the feed again.

edit: I am considering changing this line

Saw a picture of a soldier, couldn't help but notice that.
He had a bandolier of bullets, peace sign around his neck.

To this

Saw a picture of a soldier, he looked like a wreck.
He had a bandolier of bullets, but a peace sign around his neck.

Is that better?

[The Gwapfather]

cool piece here homie, I would have liked to see you go more indepth and go a lil further with the piece as a whole, but still was a nice read, topics/subjects like vietnam could run the risk of "heard it before", but you brought some nice wording to keep it interesting, nice work..

when you get time, rtf here for me homie:

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...855/index.html

[ThaUnknown]

I liked this, that puzzlie line was smart, didn't expect much seeing how short it is and that it was about such a complex topic, but you did your thing on this, i give it a 7/10

[IVIario]

Thanks for da feed guys.