Grand Entrance

[Achroite]

Trust me my entrance to this is perfectly timed
My verses shining so much you goanna be blind
Good lines keep erupting from me like Ima fountain
And still I keep it fresh like its trickling down'a mountain
There are sacred lands whereever I trod
Because every word I spit has been gifted by god
My mind is a computer packed with lyrical circitry
You can tell i'm bright yeah it's like I'm an L.E.D
Like a demon from hell, I am one you should fear
Even if you have a condition I'll make you shed a tear
I'm untouchable now I'm just on fire
You better submit and become part of my empire
I'm here now there is no time for retreat
You can either try and stand my wrath or just admit deafeat
You know times up when I'm knocking on the door
Cause this aint rap man, this is war...

First thing I've put up on these forums, please do criticize! It's the only way I will get better.
Feedback will be returned, thanks.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...845/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...721/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...675/index.html

[ItoldUIwasFat]

dude..this is packed with mad potential i mean seriously
it wasnt somthing outrageously great but it def had my attention
to short..i hate short pieces, not enough to really gauge the
skillz feel me...

you have no multis...metas are pretty played and no inners man lol..but thats just me..the one thing you do have is structure and flow..
good start

[IVIario]

For a first, it was pretty good. But overall it wasn't great. I'll kinda break it down.

Trust me my entrance to this is perfectly timed
My verses shining so much you goanna be blind
Good lines keep erupting from me like Ima fountain
And still I keep it fresh like its trickling down'a mountain
Alright so I was kind of feeling this up to where you dropped the "timed, shine, blind and line" rhyme scheme and went to fountain. I think you should have stayed with that.

There are sacred lands whereever I trod
Because every word I spit has been gifted by god
My mind is a computer packed with lyrical circitry
You can tell i'm bright yeah it's like I'm an L.E.D
Really simple rhyme scheme. AAA/BBB. CCC/DDD. Could have been made better with some multis

Like a demon from hell, I am one you should fear
Even if you have a condition I'll make you shed a tear
I'm untouchable now I'm just on fire
You better submit and become part of my empire
Again really simple and boring. fear, tear, fire, empire. Way to simple use multis.

I'm here now there is no time for retreat
You can either try and stand my wrath or just admit deafeat
You know times up when I'm knocking on the door
Cause this aint rap man, this is war...
Best part of your verse IMO.

Overall this is o.k. for a first drop. Work on a more complex rhyme scheme. And use multis. When you get better try some metaphors cause if theyre dope they make the drop alot better. No hate. Stay up.

Rtf if you get a chance. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...945/index.html

[Voyce Box]

well, this is the type of piece, i'll have to break it down bar for bar, so here it goes..

Trust me my entrance to this is perfectly timed
My verses shining so much you goanna be blind
the metaphor when using to describe your 'verses' seems a little simplistic to me. another words, it's been said before but better. maybe try being more creative with it, like "my verses shining so much can light a whole city"... not the best example but also not commonly used.
Good lines keep erupting from me like Ima fountain
And still I keep it fresh like its trickling down'a mountain
this wasn't a bad bar at all. the similes were pretty fresh here.
There are sacred lands whereever I trod
Because every word I spit has been gifted by god
eh.. not bad but simplistic..
My mind is a computer packed with lyrical circitry
You can tell i'm bright yeah it's like I'm an L.E.D
i give you props here for trying to be creative when putting together this metaphor, but it just sounded cheesy? no offense.
Like a demon from hell, I am one you should fear
Even if you have a condition I'll make you shed a tear
I'm untouchable now I'm just on fire
You better submit and become part of my empire
nothing really stood out in these bars just talk..
I'm here now there is no time for retreat
You can either try and stand my wrath or just admit deafeat
i liked this bar because it had kinda like a metaphor to it too as well.. the whole "stand my wrath" and "de-feet"
You know times up when I'm knocking on the door
Cause this aint rap man, this is war...
nah.. nothing eye drilling here either..

well, for advice, when doing pieces like this- you wanna shine those metaphors off always! if you can make a better rhyme scheme when doing it, than do it- if not, just focus on 'eye-shocking' bars. be creative when writing pieces like this.. you gotta remember- it's not topical, so every bar is gonna get judged out, word for word. for some help on metaphors, to give you a better idea- go look up some lyrics by Big L, or even by Big Daddy Kane, just to get a better understanding.