2 quick writtens, need advice

[F63]

edit: i trashed this verse...didn't go well with the beat and didn't have the right mood

[F63]

sorry, jsut saw rules, will provide 3 feedback links

[Voyce Box]

not a bad piece, honestly speaking, man. the message is clear in both verses. the both of them are well structured- clear beginning to end. but, now since you got the rhyming down, there's a few things you should get into... assonance, metaphors, similes, and a rhyme scheme.. just a few basic things you should be ever to cover quickly, to bring more emotion and power into your writing, or track.

so, i will just give you a few of examples, to help you get started with those.....
assonance- just a form of alliteration in which a vowel is repeated..
kinda like rhyming the word "back" with "act", instead of using the words "back" with "crack".
so, another words, the words won't really look the same, but they sound the same, like "kisser" and "mister".

similes- anything with the words "like" or "as" in it.
"her heart melts like candle wax, from his lies"
not the best example, but that should give you the idea..
i don't really mess with the 'as' much, but..
"fly as a bird"

metaphors- a lot of times, you'll see the 'is' way used for doing these.. "life is a bitch, but i still fuck with her".. just a quick line i thought up, to give the example.

and the rhyme scheme, that's just mixing up the flow a bit. it doesn't ALWAYS have to be done..

blah blah blah RHYME, blah blah blah RHYME
blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah RHYME

many ways to switch the flow up with that, have fun with it.



please, return the feedback.

[F63]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...74&postcount=9

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...9&postcount=17

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showpost...2&postcount=13

Sorry guys, know I'm too good at feeding, but I'm not much a rapper, so I'm not too good at giving guys advice.

[A.T.]

bro, when you give feed back, you don't give just 1 or 2 lines... actually
read the shit, and tell the writer what you thought of it; did it make you think, was the rhymescheme complex, if so was it smooth or choppy, use of metaphors, how was their vocabulary, where could they have done better, and what they did right...

Now, regarding your piece...

One thing you will learn is that text is a little bit different than
audio. Yes, you should be able to put it to a beat, but at the same time,
you need to pack more content into your lines. Shorter lines make for a
choppy, sloppy, and uninteresting flow that can turn off the readers. This
is the reason why you need to incorporate multies and use multiple rhymes
in every line. For instance, if I were to write a subject like this, I
might include metaphors, not only to create a mental image in the raders
mind, but to help fatten your lines up. However, you cannot have a bar
that is stretched so bad that you lose any flow that you may have had.

ex:

your shit
was never the most popular kid on my block
no bitches talked to me, it never seemed to stop
just goin through the motions, like a puppet toy soldier
i want to change things for the better, publish a new world order

What I would do:
Growing up, I was never the most popular kid on my block,
Bitches never talked to me, instead walked on me like a sidewalk,
I find myself goin through motions like a puppet, no soldier,
I gotta make this shit better, creating a New World Order...

^ see, that helps the flow out, tremendously and I didn't even incorporate
multies, yet. I inserted a metaphor in the second line, did you see what
I was trying to say? Imagery makes or breaks and open mic, topical, and
even a battle... gotta use it. keep up.

[F63]

bro, when you give feed back, you don't give just 1 or 2 lines... actually
read the shit, and tell the writer what you thought of it; did it make you think, was the rhymescheme complex, if so was it smooth or choppy, use of metaphors, how was their vocabulary, where could they have done better, and what they did right...

Now, regarding your piece...

One thing you will learn is that text is a little bit different than
audio. Yes, you should be able to put it to a beat, but at the same time,
you need to pack more content into your lines. Shorter lines make for a
choppy, sloppy, and uninteresting flow that can turn off the readers. This
is the reason why you need to incorporate multies and use multiple rhymes
in every line. For instance, if I were to write a subject like this, I
might include metaphors, not only to create a mental image in the raders
mind, but to help fatten your lines up. However, you cannot have a bar
that is stretched so bad that you lose any flow that you may have had.

ex:


What I would do:
Growing up, I was never the most popular kid on my block,
Bitches never talked to me, instead walked on me like a sidewalk,
I find myself goin through motions like a puppet, no soldier,
I gotta make this shit better, creating a New World Order...

^ see, that helps the flow out, tremendously and I didn't even incorporate
multies, yet. I inserted a metaphor in the second line, did you see what
I was trying to say? Imagery makes or breaks and open mic, topical, and
even a battle... gotta use it. keep up.

Thanks for the advice, and sorry about bad feedback, I really don't know what to look for/not look for. Again, thanks for the advice, I'll definitely use it. Honestly, I'm thinking about trashing this written entirely, and start off fresh with a better beat (I had the wrong beat before...found a great one that is a bit more emotional...I'm still looking for a beat as sad as "Like Toy Soldiers", but I have yet to find a similar one).