Dear Life....

[Puma1996]

links will come in tommorrow


thought about having a kid just the other day
started asking myself how would i ever get payed
makes you wonder how people do it today
with a fucked up world thoughts in the brain lay
and any second you could get robbed,even by a cop
and during the struggle accidently get shot
or even worse you could even lose your job
fucked up world on our shoulders should we let it drop
people do some crazy shit under the influence
but what if povertys the reason we' doin it
makes you wonder whats behind closed doors
could i be pulled over for being overly poor
i got a dollar 44,does that mean im not wanted no more
makes me not wanna get old enough to support myself
becuz my neigbors went out and barely bought a shelf
and the funniest part is they got a good bit of wealth
so how the hell am i suppose to follow up that well
when we all dwell on the fact we cant get up if fell
makes me wanna invest in a life alert but whats the good if
they dont come right when hurt sometimes i like the dirt
cuz its resmbles what i am to life on earth makes me half
berserk that i flirt with the fact people hate my work
guess its just what i am,exerpt from a life of hurt

Dear Life,
you could never be completly honest
Dear Life,
Our World is only a big Project
Dear Life,
But you got me hook on it like Phonix
to try to find out how im on it
something other then the logic
so Dear Life...

This Lifes got me jumping over obsticals
its almost comical imma trip and wind up
in the hosptial,but wait.. -- how will i pay my bill
next thing you know im behind bars writing out my will
the economy is dropping unfair laws seem to box me
new crimes jump out like a box spring a mother kills
her baby sad thing is to most it isnt shocking its
new drama starts its sparking darkley a man dies
harshly before he even partly puts in his car keys
a man killed him and left him in the car seat
shocking to most ??,no we'r talking hardly
wheres the stoppage in crimes its dryed
cuz we'r too busy gettin by on fucking
pennys and dimes scraped up just enough
to buy myself a pizza pie atleast lets
try pry off the screws on this light
every dinners a fight,lucky if i get to eat tonight
even povertys got a price which is depression
wonder how much i can buy ?? man fuck life..


Dear Life,
you could never be completly honest
Dear Life,
Our World is only a big Project
Dear Life,
But you got me hook on it like Phonix
to try to find out how im on it
something other then the logic
so Dear Life...

[Puma1996]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...798/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...702/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...805/index.html

[.RainMan]

Even if it does sounds kind of sad and depressing, i dig it. You have some pretty good rhymes, nice flow. I don't really like the way you started it but it turned out to actually be a pretty nice song.

However, I don't understand this part:

and any second you could get robbed,even by a cop
and during the struggle accidently get shot
or even worse you could even lose your job

How is losing a job worse than getting robbed and shot?

[Puma1996]

Its just to show how bad it is to lose your job and be able to try to get up and get another in these times,its not really meant to be implyed like that but appreicate the fb fam

[Skitzo]

Nice drop.. like the content just wish you would of worded a few things a little bit different. IMO was a bit simplistic with the lacking of multies/

[Puma1996]

appricate the feed..

[Puma1996]

uppin

[A.T.]

Tbh, the concept has been done plenty before, but you had a few lines that
I could relate to, on a personal level. I remember being like 17 years old
and wondering the same shit. Sit in my room trying to figure out if I was
going to make it. It's kinda scary how you're thrust into independance from dependant upon your parents. I thought that if I could make 15 dollars per hour, then I could make it and here I am making 21 an hour and still struggling...

Overall, this peice had some problems within the elements, not to knock you but Im saying this to help you improve. Try to stretch your lines out a bit more and add a little more content. Add some metaphors to add imagery to your pieces. This will propel you a long way in making a good piece. Once you are able to do that, you might go for a more complex rhyme scheme, as to keep the reader interested. Like I said, this wasn't bad by any means, and the fact that I was able to relate to what you're saying helped! You have what most people don't have and that is the ability to connect to other people through your rhymes. Keep at it, homie!

[Puma1996]

Appreicate it man ill work on that as much as possible

thanks for the fb

[Puma1996]

upping

[Voyce Box]

i agree with A.T when it comes to the piece in general. and, yeah, the concept been done many times before, but that doesn't really bother me. the piece definitely needs some metaphors or similes, to bring it alive more. the flow was there, smooth and on track. the story was clear from beginning to end- so, therefore, the structure was nice, too. but, the piece, it's just screaming out, "please, feed me some metaphors and similes", or even imagery.. even if it's not loaded with them, and just a few here and a few there. the message was very clear though. something i am sure we all can relate to- the life of a writer.

[Puma1996]

i appreciate the feed back

[Puma1996]

uppin