Call her Mary..

[Jukon]

she tosses and turns, counts her losses and learns,
from the past mistakes but she never comes to terms.
being used all of her life, she rolls around trying to find the light,
and then it sparks, the smoke bellows and she tries to fight.
but her arms are weak, flailing so she awakes from this dream,
when she sleeps; she screams, holds on tight thru lucid scenes.

she controls his memory sensory, holding out visual entities,
slamming him into a stupor, taking hostage of his chemical ministry.
he speaks with broken wisdom, words slur when she's around,
like he's frightened of what she'd think if he didn't wear his frown.
the curtains stay closed, for fear that pain will escape and float,
down the streets he roamed, the ones he called home..
..he was told that they were paved with gold.

she continues to lie, weaving thoughts deep inside his twisted mind,
never giving him a chance..she finds everything that he tries to hide.
everytime he craves for her arrival, he digs his grave a little deeper,
playing a never ending game of finder's keeper's, the main character..
..meet the reaper.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...427/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...721/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...675/index.html

[Jukon]

Up. I'll rtf if you leave a link.

[Vinzr]

This was a good piece, I felt it was short and kind of under-developed at first but it actually worked out quite well. I was definitely feeling the way you ended this piece with those last few lines, it played quite some relevance with the middle stanza where you built the whole piece up. Well there's not really much else to say...good job with this piece and keep it up.

[Jukon]

to the top

[ItoldUIwasFat]

lol..good concept to a played subject my duder
loved the compact flow this had great structure like always
and i thought the vocab was above par..like always lol

but the concept to this was really fresh man you took an
old played as topc and simple refreshed and made it new again
really digging the idea behind this..

[English]

iono, picture kinda spoiled the topic before it unravelled itself in ur work, I dnt like writing off of pictures in the first place but in this instance maybe a spoiler at the end of ur piece would have worked better!?

still...too simple for my liking, and that aint just a case of you dnt do enough multi's or w.e. (some of the endline rhyming is heavy handed), the thought process behind ur lines are evidently fairly simple too

iono, having not read from you for several months I expected some progression, I know Ive seen better than this from you in the past so its almost a relapse.

no hate, just my slant on shitz.

[Atmospheric]

i have to agree with English, to an extent, about the picture spoiling it. i think you should've put it at the end.
about the structure, i thought it was good. the piece wasn't all over the place. clear beginning to end. good job with that. nothing kills a topical more than a shitty structure, just saying.
now, the multis, i only seen the multis in the first line and i think that was it. I'd use them more, to improve the flow.
the concept was cool. i loved it and i loved what you did with it. i love my Mary Jane.
the rhyme scheme- was dope. it brought together a smooth flow, even without a lot of multis used. so, it all worked out okay.
overall, not a bad piece at all, man. i enjoyed it. i hope to see more from you soon. keep em coming!