i feel like ur in between a topical & a hype song. just lost me in story but ur rhymes n metaphors work. try just a self hype verse n see if u can build up to a well rhymed topical....that also makes sense
i feel like ur in between a topical & a hype song. just lost me in story but ur rhymes n metaphors work. try just a self hype verse n see if u can build up to a well rhymed topical....that also makes sense
the items bolded again. . does not make a whole lot of sense in its context or the way its worded.
Im having trouble making out line 2, "his polish mind accelerates as a skittish time"??? its like words are just placed next in line but you almost have to over think in order to find any real meaning in it
Nice ideas here, and good metaphors, but the rime was a stretch "other/together"weather laughs as a divorce letter, tearing as peppers and eyes add together
as he walks on his mistakes as Jesus on the water, the trees hug each other
I like the imagery, but i still find flaws in your choice of wording. "for assistance as broken legs patient" thats a broken sentence.It is his prospect to reflect about his future which will never be complex
His car cries hard for assistance as broken legs patient, as if it’s a context
As it rapidly over takes the gas station as snapping the fingers, smoke emerges
All the tools are thirsty as a pure desert, dry as woods as it nose reverses
nice lines in here. . .Should he keep up the speed as many obstacles tackle his voyage like a spear
It’s a once in a life time question to answer, as his attention rages with fear
His dark memory population attack his heavy head, earning no freedom
Burrowing, searching for a better life, trying to escape his burning kingdom
then right back to wording issues. . this would be dope if you just cleaned it up. . try something more along the lines ofEvery passages are armed like an army, sturdy to stop airs, locked like the gray cloud
"Every passage armed like an army, sturdy enough to stop air, locked like grey clouds"
they are short sentences, but simple rewording at least helps the thoughts you are trying to portray
He stays proud but not figuring out why he wants to go back to the starting line
After this Hard time, what does he have apart crimes? Nothing but a white star in mind
Blank as the road is cold under his flesh as a fever skin; sweating like wet dreams
its extreme on the scene as he asks his conscience why he is still breathing, yet screams
demolish his throat as Tyson sleeps in the ring, weak to fight back with his last brain
He tries to blast again but was told why are you riding on the fast lane
Im smart enough i can understand what you were aiming toward, but there was a lot of metaphors in here that you were just reaching too far at.
Also, flow wise. . the lines are really drawn out long. Id love to hear you attempt to transfer this to audio Just so i can see either a) how slow the beat would be and/or b) see how much you struggle trying to get each line to fit into a bar measure.
For positives, you do have interesting ideas. . . your vocabulary is good, its only your wording that needs polished. Im a huge fan of metaphors, but when you try to force them in there it just complicates the readers attention. Make them more subtle, and dont worry, they will still bring that deeper approach and nice imagery to your pieces. . just find the balance
you have good mechanics, and the reason im being so critical is because wayyyy back in the day i used to write exactly like this. Then i finally acknowledged that i didnt have to hammer a verse down with complex metaphors and vocabulary to make it all poetic and meaningful. . i figured out how to simply all that through my choices of word and my writing is much more balanced and blended now. . and with much much better flow.
keep at it man
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An armed man is a citizen,
An unarmed man is a victim.
Thank's for the complex breakdown..... link me to your piece
bump