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Thread: Fast Lane

  1. #16

    Re: Fast Lane

    i feel like ur in between a topical & a hype song. just lost me in story but ur rhymes n metaphors work. try just a self hype verse n see if u can build up to a well rhymed topical....that also makes sense

  2. #17
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    Re: Fast Lane

    bump

  3. #18
     Murder The Mainstream Nohbody's Avatar
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    Re: Fast Lane

    Quote Originally Posted by The Punch View Post
    It’s a destiny journey; no energy to force the ride near the finish line
    the rocky street is evil as his polish mind accelerates as a skittish time


    Im having trouble making out line 2, "his polish mind accelerates as a skittish time"??? its like words are just placed next in line but you almost have to over think in order to find any real meaning in it

    weather laughs as a divorce letter, tearing as peppers and eyes add together
    as he walks on his mistakes as Jesus on the water, the trees hug each other
    Nice ideas here, and good metaphors, but the rime was a stretch "other/together"

    It is his prospect to reflect about his future which will never be complex
    His car cries hard for assistance as broken legs patient, as if it’s a context
    As it rapidly over takes the gas station as snapping the fingers, smoke emerges
    All the tools are thirsty as a pure desert, dry as woods as it nose reverses
    I like the imagery, but i still find flaws in your choice of wording. "for assistance as broken legs patient" thats a broken sentence.

    Should he keep up the speed as many obstacles tackle his voyage like a spear
    It’s a once in a life time question to answer, as his attention rages with fear
    His dark memory population attack his heavy head, earning no freedom
    Burrowing, searching for a better life, trying to escape his burning kingdom
    nice lines in here. . .

    Every passages are armed like an army, sturdy to stop airs, locked like the gray cloud
    then right back to wording issues. . this would be dope if you just cleaned it up. . try something more along the lines of

    "Every passage armed like an army, sturdy enough to stop air, locked like grey clouds"

    they are short sentences, but simple rewording at least helps the thoughts you are trying to portray

    He stays proud but not figuring out why he wants to go back to the starting line
    After this Hard time, what does he have apart crimes? Nothing but a white star in mind
    Blank as the road is cold under his flesh as a fever skin; sweating like wet dreams
    its extreme on the scene as he asks his conscience why he is still breathing, yet screams
    demolish his throat as Tyson sleeps in the ring, weak to fight back with his last brain
    He tries to blast again but was told why are you riding on the fast lane
    the items bolded again. . does not make a whole lot of sense in its context or the way its worded.

    Im smart enough i can understand what you were aiming toward, but there was a lot of metaphors in here that you were just reaching too far at.

    Also, flow wise. . the lines are really drawn out long. Id love to hear you attempt to transfer this to audio Just so i can see either a) how slow the beat would be and/or b) see how much you struggle trying to get each line to fit into a bar measure.

    For positives, you do have interesting ideas. . . your vocabulary is good, its only your wording that needs polished. Im a huge fan of metaphors, but when you try to force them in there it just complicates the readers attention. Make them more subtle, and dont worry, they will still bring that deeper approach and nice imagery to your pieces. . just find the balance

    you have good mechanics, and the reason im being so critical is because wayyyy back in the day i used to write exactly like this. Then i finally acknowledged that i didnt have to hammer a verse down with complex metaphors and vocabulary to make it all poetic and meaningful. . i figured out how to simply all that through my choices of word and my writing is much more balanced and blended now. . and with much much better flow.

    keep at it man

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  4. #19
    You've Earned a Custom Title! -ANIMAL-'s Avatar
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    Re: Fast Lane

    Thank's for the complex breakdown..... link me to your piece


    bump

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