Fucked Up

[Shoemaker]

This is a piece that I wrote. It's how iv been feelin. My dead homie verse and my 9/11 verse coming soon.


(hook)
I'm a fucked  up individual.
Put my heart into every syllable.
People wonder how i aint been drinkin all night?
But I'm fucked up right?
People wonder why my rhymes are so tight?
Cuz I'm strung up all right.
I'm fucked up man.
I'm just a fucked man.

(verse 1)
Rap is tyson fights, and i dont know what to say in my songs.
Do I write my rights? Or just display my wrongs?
Tryin to bounce back like a game of pong.
but all I do is fade to black like the darkest nights when the day is gone.
Actin boastful, I'm just puttin on.
permanently  frontin like weezy in the jewelry store.
Wonder what this Jewelry's for?
Why wear it to make shine something that only the blind think is beautiful?
Guess that's what the Jews are for.
That's not racist it's just the truth for y'all.
Look at y'all sittin tall.
 I'll sit back and watch this judas fall.
People here to judge, call em Judy.
Even Mathis cant match this truly.
Only this rap shit can soothe me.
I'm judas priest or Jude Law.
Climbing coldest mountains just to feel my hottest fall.
while all y'all sing Tim McGraw.
Cuz iv been livin like I was dyin since the day I was born.
I mean literally, iv decayed everyday cuz my souls deformed.
My mind is torn between being  legend or  conformed.
I sway sides like surfside tides in solar storms.
I'm colder than other people, this is my polar poem.
Now hear the hook, cuz for me, this is the norm.

(hook)

(verse 2)
Know how I'm fucked up? 
Cuz I can admit that my hook sucks.
U don't have to tell me good luck.
cuz I'm still gonna kill it.
Fucked personality mixed with a fucked spirit.
I scream out my reality so even the deaf can hear it.
My shit gets so dark, even death will fear it.
Everybody has their demons, so why am I the only one I know that's willing to go near it?
As a kid i was average in every thing I did, cept' classes.
Then I found this rap shit to push me past fantastic.
Elastic flow keeps my vocals clear like a fresh set of glasses yo.
These pussies can't see me unless they take ether or acid though.
I got he same thing in me as lake placid has hidden.
My soul is like ink, dark, but I put it all in all my writtens.
My legs are strong but my minds limpin.
So I check the strong in my night visions.

(hook)

(verse 3)
When ThaKing found me, I was almost bottoming out.
Toppling down, not knowin what to write about.
1 minute from never rappin again, i quit, I'm out.
Now I'm ten billion times better, forever changin my style.
Now it's whatever, colder than south park to y'all im strangling the kyles.
Id like to say that I'm the best ever... But.. Maybe I am to you def leopards. 
Jack Shepard to you lost boys, catch my hail Mary, I'm shootin Randy moss toys.
Look at me Troy, I'm kickin rock shit, drug salesman.
On some white PAC shit, mixed with van halen.
People can't touch this cuz they don't really feel me.
I spit imagination cuz they don't know the real me.
These rappers think they're havin a ball until I onside kicks.
Spiral notebook lyrics through airwaves, I'm back on offense.
I see no reason to hit the c note.
The reason that I seem low pimpin.
cuz under this clean coat hidden.
Is a heart worth gucci and Louie VO ribbon.
Starin through the key hole, trippin.
I guess I'm ego-driven.
Missin' sanity as I seesaw vanity and calamity.
I feel less,I feel stressed, amidst debt. 
Break ya neck, if you poke it out.
Show respect, or I'll choke ya out.
I'm dirty south, with a filthy mouth.
This that white boy they was talkin bout?
And today is the tomorrow that you worried bout' yesterday.
Right now there's a storm in my mind, watch the levies break.
Celebent music guys ruin, develop thick skin or get circumcised.
I run shit with what I write, Pulitzer prize.
 Bustin my ass in class so I can finish early.
Finish early so I can write more rhymes.
Bust my ass with rhymes so one day I'll blow up surely.
And one day I'll finish early so I can remember those times.

(hook)

Thanks for any feed guys. I put my heart into this one.

[Shoemaker]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...611/index.html

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...170/index.html

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...627/index.html

[Obese Chess]

I dig this one.
The hook is a little weak and sounds forced - and the self-hype detracts from the message. Like, "Yo, dude, I'm fucked up and there's some bad shit happening to me, oh did I mention I'm great and awesome?" It's kind of a jarring transition. Same with some of the metaphors.

Rap is tyson fights, and i dont know what to say in my songs.
Do I write my rights? Or just display my wrongs?

This is a killer line.

Guess that's what the Jews are for.
That's not racist it's just the truth for y'all.

This, not so much.

Here's how it reads: you had a really strong piece that really spoke to you, but you needed a few more bars and threw them in. Trust me, I've done it.

Keep doing your thing, dude. The heart doesn't always shine through in this one, but when it does, it's like daylight.

[Shoemaker]

Thanks homie. That's actually GOOD feedback. I can use that advise. And I see what ur sayin. Thanks.
But did u notice that I acknowledged my weak hook in the second verse? All Part of the plan man.

[Voyce Box]

lots of pieces get slept on here and i don't know why..
people need to wake the fuck up and start giving some feedback.
this piece had lots of creative bars in it, my dude.
so, being said that, you had lots of nice metaphors in this..
i will list the ones i liked at the end, gonna continue on about the piece again now..
and not only the metaphors, but the flow was smooth, audio-type.
you went off sometimes and would just babble about something..
when in my head, i am thinking to myself, "you're executing these metaphors so nicely."
next time, skip the babbling acts, you want it to be all metaphors and similes.
and, of course, imagery and all that other good shit.
i didn't mean any of that in a bad way cause i'm not referring to the whole piece, just parts.
you have lots of potential, dude, i would hate to see you put it to waste.
i seen emcees try to pull these kinda pieces off all the time, lots fail.
you, in my opinion, you executed this style very well.
however, i would like to see you switch your style once in awhile and do a topical.
it's just a shame though, people treat drops like pillows, always sleeping.
it's a site made for elevation and helping emcees uplift their skills to higher levels.
i don't know why, but i just know it's all a bunch of bullshit.
i think the chorus was okay, it all depends on how you look at it.
and, to me, i didn't think it effected the piece in anyway at all.
keep writing and i'll definitely keep an eye out for more to drop.
and, yo, did you have a beat you did this over, or just something you jotted down off the head?
i'm just asking, to see exactly what your working with here and get a better view on the flow, too.
well, here's a few of my favorite bars i picked out, Peace!

Cuz iv been livin like I was dyin since the day I was born.
I mean literally, iv decayed everyday cuz my souls deformed.
My mind is torn between being legend or conformed.
I sway sides like surfside tides in solar storms.
I'm colder than other people, this is my polar poem.

Elastic flow keeps my vocals clear like a fresh set of glasses yo.
These pussies can't see me unless they take ether or acid though.

My soul is like ink, dark, but I put it all in all my writtens.
My legs are strong but my minds limpin.

Now I'm ten billion times better, forever changin my style.
Now it's whatever, colder than south park to y'all im strangling the kyles.

[Joe Boston]

Yeah cool how u acknowledged the hook but the hook makes the piece ur 1st bar of hook started off nicely but then it lost interest. U had some good metaphores and some good lines but there were parts were i felt some lines were just unecessary. i gotta say start of third verse was my favorite. then felt u kinda just added lines in to complete it no hate. emotion was there though and i liked that

When ThaKing found me, I was almost bottoming out.
Toppling down, not knowin what to write about.
1 minute from never rappin again, i quit, I'm out.
Now I'm ten billion times better, forever changin my style.
Now it's whatever, colder than south park to y'all im strangling the kyles.
Id like to say that I'm the best ever... But.. Maybe I am to you def leopards.
Jack Shepard to you lost boys, catch my hail Mary, I'm shootin Randy moss toys.
Look at me Troy, I'm kickin rock shit, drug salesman.
On some white PAC shit, mixed with van halen.
People can't touch this cuz they don't really feel me.
I spit imagination cuz they don't know the real me.
These rappers think they're havin a ball until I onside kicks.
Spiral notebook lyrics through airwaves, I'm back on offense

[Shoemaker]

Bump

[Bos]

Nice drop here, bruh. Dope concepts and you really put your emotions in your piece I like that. Some parts like the hook are a little bit forced, but thats just a small thing. Youre really good man, keep this work up.

I got he same thing in me as lake placid has hidden.
My soul is like ink, dark, but I put it all in all my writtens.

Rap is tyson fights, and i dont know what to say in my songs.
Do I write my rights? Or just display my wrongs?

best bars in your drop, imo