When will it Align?

[Jukon]

At some point in time- everything we know; will form a single line,
and we'll shake hands with the stars- watching them linger n shine.
wicked senses overlap our sickest visions; holding out the worst,
and while we jump picket fences listening for twisted winces, we feel the hurt.
seeking purpose, finding everything we hid when we were feeling worthless,
realizing all that we've ever known about life ends as the earth drifts.
into a downward spiral, it stops; abrupt, dissipating things we once loved,
it all flows together and warms our blood, preparing us for the internal flood.
umbrellas propel us just pass the wreckage and treat us as felons,
inner peace creating a jealous conscience, ignoring everything it tells us.
our senses are jumbled, fighting to take over what's left in the jungle,
hanging from vines and avoiding the trouble, all of our steps- stop in the rubble.

she introduces herself as the one who reels it all in, keeps you from fallin in,
into the deep end where you're stuck teaching yourself how to swim.
a puppeteer thrown into the paper thin career, holding onto your fears,
no strings attached but you're hanging by a thread and that's all you hear.
but no they're not whispers, though they leave traces on the windows,
her make up runs and leaves those tell all stains on her pillows.
she changes the cases but it's a permanent scar, pertinent flaws,
right here, right now she changes the channel but it always recalls.
she stays..switching back and forth, mingling with a lack of force,
by now she's itching for crack of course, she'll never have to ask for yours.
her head- it opens up, shows exactly why she was..the way she was,
remaining permanently fucked up, she tempted herself with lust- not love.

she drew the short straw and when she got to the ends of her rope..
..they snapped and she fell miles down but never made it home.
so she travels, walking alone, holding out for the best or the worst,
she drowns in her tears and they escape through her shirt.
planting themselves, deep in the earth, seeds peek out- unaware of the hurt.
but ever since she screamed during birth, she got used to never being heard.
so when the planets align, and attempt to form that single file line,
they'll end up crooked and that's when everything as we know it..
..will finally stop- according to time.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...421/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...404/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...555/index.html

[A.T.]

Wow! The imagery in this piece was amazing. The rhyme scheme didn't seem forcced at all, but I felt that as whole, the first stanza was worded perfectly to draw me in and kept me wonder what would be said next.

The second stanza felt like there was more emotion involved and you simplified the imagery, not much, but enough to make your concept effective while keeping to the original rhyme scheme. My fav. Part was

"but no they're not whispers, though they leave traces on the windows,
her make up runs and leaves those tell all stains on her pillows.
she changes the cases but it's a permanent scar, pertinent flaws,
right here, right now she changes the channel but it always recalls.
she stays..switching back and forth, mingling with a lack of force,
by now she's itching for crack of course, she'll never have to ask for yours.
her head- it opens up, shows exactly why she was..the way she was,
remaining permanently fucked up, she tempted herself with lust- not love."

^ was really digging the imagery right here and you did a good job of not focusing soley on the mental pictured you wanted to paint so that it felt like it was natural.

The closing lines were nice, went into the full effect of the picture and related to the storyline nicely.
Overall, I am blown away by this piece, tbh. This is far better than I could ever do. Props dude! Major props.

[Voyce Box]

first, lemme start by saying, this was doper than any needle Kurt Cobain ever stuck in arm.
now, about this.. this was Top Notch writing skills. you sprinkled a little bit of everything in it. the metaphors, similes and also managed to keep the flow steady throughout the piece using such an incredible rhyme scheme, which really caught my eye. i was instantly hooked right in. then, after grabbing my attention with the first verse, the second and third verse comes flooding through with such emotion and imagery. i love the metaphors.. fucking lyrical genius!

she drowns in her tears and they escape through her shirt.
planting themselves, deep in the earth, seeds peek out- unaware of the hurt.

check this piece into a rehab, man.
it's just that fuckin' dope.

[Jukon]

Thanks. Uppin'.

[thatdudeB]

i really liked this.. my favorite parts of the whole was probably the second and third part.. 1st part was dope as hell too though to too me.. with the strongest being the 2nd.. nothing seemed forced/jumbled.. really impressed by this.. would like to read more from you

[Jukon]

Thanks man.

[Jukon]

Up. I'll rtf if you leave a link.

[Vinzr]

I agree with what A.T. said. I thought the imagery was the highlight of this piece, you incorporated a lot of it with metaphors and it just brought out the whole picture with ease. I personally liked the way you structured this with the stages, I don't think you added anything unnecessary and the transitions from line to line and even stanza to stanza was smooth. In the end the way you tied the whole piece together was pretty cool as well. My favourite part would probably have to be the start/opening stanza. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece and it was definitely a very good piece man.

[thatdudeB]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...699/index.html

you said you'd rtf.. if just posting a link is against the rules, my bad... interested in reading a experienced wwriters opinion

[The Gwapfather]

Nice piece here Jukon, imagery was really good through out, rhyme scheme/flow wasnt insane, but that was more due to you making sure content wasn't sacrificed, I wanted you to stick to the concept of the title and pic a bit more, you did a good job in the start and end of tieing that in though, this line stood out to me for some reason:

but no they're not whispers, though they leave traces on the windows,
her make up runs and leaves those tell all stains on her pillows.


Overall I liked this quite a bit fam, imagery was the strength of the piece and really is what kept the read intersting, keep it up homie..

[The Gwapfather]

rtf here if you would fam:

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...855/index.html