LV vs Andrewert

[Andrewert]

12-30 lines
Free topic
Due by Sunday Night (cuz of school for n shit)
Extensions will be granted

[Andrewert]

check

[Str8 JackIt]

Check!

[Andrewert]

need an extension of 2 days sorry LV im backed up with school homework/studying so just need till tuesday

[Str8 JackIt]

its cool man....i approve of the ext

[Str8 JackIt]

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/156...20remember.jpg"Poor Johnny"

Gray skies, the day cries…
As Johnny drowns, no one knew he couldn’t swim he always lies
It started off as harmful play they’re all here for the ride
Couple pretty girls we think he only did for it his pride
He was thir-teen-always making jokes and pulling pranks
Momma spanked him when his crew played cops and robbers in a bank
Never thought, with his lungs distraught, reaching out for air
This would happen to him, his friends feeling this isn’t fair
They were at the lake, dock-side, fishing skinny dippin
A cooler full if ice and alcohol the choice for sippin
He cannonballed, splashing water on the pretty girls
Seconds later he aint come up now here goes a shitty world
Accidentally breathed water up his nose after the impact
Nobody else could swim except his boys and where was them at?
Deep in the woods to fetch sticks for the evening bon-fire
Out of reach for the screams and Johnny splashing till he tires





[if i didn't post now it wouldn't have gotten done so here u have it]

[Andrewert]

My topic is about a guy who is always cheated on by his girlfriends. It was rushed not enough time



"Being Left To a Shred"

Everytime I find someone things somehow turn for the worst
It feels like I am being shunned to this never ending curse
Just when it all gets perfect I'm shedding never ending tears
N when I want to address the problem all I see are all my fears
All diff Pictures comming to life in front of my very own eyes
Just wishin to myself that all those things I heard were just lies
Cuz if I gain nymore hate, no ammount of love will be saving me
And all that my mind will be left is that depressing enslaving me
I will be left to a zombie that will never have a goal to reach
Bein the exact opposite of what Martin Luther King said in his speach

[A.T.]

This was no contest, tbh. LV did a good job portraying a story, but I felt that wording really hurt him in some places.
I'd give examples but I'm in my phone. The part where John started to drown was worded pretty poorly, but in the end
It was a decent drop.

Andrewart, no hate homie, but yours seemed to be the classic open mic, without a story line or much imagery. I know it was rushed but cannot take that into account.

Vote- LV

[SwordNation]

LV:

Gray skies, the day cries…
As Johnny drowns, no one knew he couldn’t swim he always lies

eh intro

It started off as harmful play they’re all here for the ride
Couple pretty girls we think he only did for it his pride

lol ok flow kinda simple but decent line

He was thir-teen-always making jokes and pulling pranks
Momma spanked him when his crew played cops and robbers in a bank

decent concept, kinda worded wrobg but still decent

Never thought, with his lungs distraught, reaching out for air
This would happen to him, his friends feeling this isn’t fair

seemed like you stepped up the flow alittle more here i liked it

They were at the lake, dock-side, fishing skinny dippin
A cooler full if ice and alcohol the choice for sippin

......letting the lines continue

He cannonballed, splashing water on the pretty girls
Seconds later he aint come up now here goes a shitty world

finished the concept decent still kinda eh

Accidentally breathed water up his nose after the impact
Nobody else could swim except his boys and where was them at?

??what happened to the flow man punch didnt hit ethier

Deep in the woods to fetch sticks for the evening bon-fire
Out of reach for the screams and Johnny splashing till he tires

concept kinda eh decent closer i guess


ANDRE:

Everytime I find someone things somehow turn for the worst
It feels like I am being shunned to this never ending curse

kinda eh opener

Just when it all gets perfect I'm shedding never ending tears
N when I want to address the problem all I see are all my fears

line was decent flow couldve been better

All diff Pictures comming to life in front of my very own eyes
Just wishin to myself that all those things I heard were just lies

no punch here kinda filler, some filler is needed though kinda eh filler though

Cuz if I gain nymore hate, no ammount of love will be saving me
And all that my mind will be left is that depressing enslaving me

flow picking up here, decent line

I will be left to a zombie that will never have a goal to reach
Bein the exact opposite of what Martin Luther King said in his speach

eh not feeling the closer here


Vote = LV

[Str8 JackIt]

you know this is a TOPICAL BATTLE!.....there are no punches. lol

[SwordNation]

that i did not notice, but ethier way my vote would stay the same

[Vinzr]

I'm never a fan of short pieces, especially those that only go for like 10 lines, lol. It doesn't give much to work with and develop throughout like Andrew's verse in this case. I've seen your previous stuff and you definitely can drop some good stuff though. I wasn't impressed by that piece at all but it's understandable that you were struggling for time. LV on the other hand had a fairly decent verse, overall was just a better piece by far.

v/ LV

[King]

Both of you need links or this is getting closed.

[Andrewert]

Ima get links when i get home from school today,

[Slayerr]

lang - a bit too short for me to give feed on but your experience over andrew shun here. better flow and smoother wording. i especially like the progression of your story although ig they cant swim and are at a lake...

andrew - looks key'dish. didnt expand on your storey, no multis lack of imagry tbh, you have dropped better and this seemed rushed so i'll let you off
v/lang