My World Aint Made Right

[SenecaHaze]

this is on a lighter note...

i know its seen as funny,lean lunchmeat & always been a junkie,
in a pic lookin grungy & see a drunk me... I shotgun'd three,
why im rappin so i can be mackin fatchicks with good credit,
yea i said it, no regrets kid,who ya'll find me in the bed with,
only one tho two wont fit,dont quit with the feed my-bone shit,
known it like a breast inspector knows tits,too many hydro hits,
one you always take to a buffet,too costly to go to a restaurant
supply of powder to roll my girl in flour.. find the wet spot,
a couple weeks in her bank account,& i can take those ammounts,
causing her next checks to bounce but we can make it I announce
then bought an ounce,laughed inside her house, had an allowance,
climb her mountains after im on the phone with her accountants
maybe I'll get a job Ive intent,but you do so well independant,
check her belly button the area where my dick's been indented,
gives lovers great brain like how she eats to cover her pain,
between sweat & orgasm when she on top call her thunder & rain
shaves her head one day tellin me what a girls taint taste like
wonder why we break up & turns babe dyke,my world aint made right,

[SenecaHaze]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...132/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...069/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...106/index.html

[Extinctor Draconis]

replace your third link and we straight

[FaHQtual]

I really like this topic you were goin with, and liked the first couple lines but when you got into the whol "your girls money" didnt really get where it came from but you did have some good lines in there. My favorite is probably

maybe I'll get a job Ive intent,but you do so well independant,
check her belly button the area where my dick's been indented,
gives lovers great brain like how she eats to cover her pain,
between sweat & orgasm when she on top call her thunder & rain

Those 4 bars stood out to me.

[SenecaHaze]

just saying im a sleezeball for spending for gettin up into her funds while i got none lol =p

[SenecaHaze]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...142/index.html

heres another link if that was what you were asking for.

but i am confused as to how i didnt give enough feedback more of a breakdown on pieces i like perhaps?

[N.F.M.]

Seneca, I'ma be honest with you...

I like your name, by the way...

I think you have potential. I'll throw my name on this thread, that's how much I like it. I'm not really into judgin people's lyrics, I believe poetry is an art. But if I had to judge this peice, and give it a rating between 0 and 10, ten being the mouthiest muthafucka on the planet...

I would give you a 5, five being average. This is not a bad thing, I think you have the potential to rap, like I said.

[SenecaHaze]

lol keep in mind yall this is for jokes... not a serious piece but thanks for the looks.. just puttin something different out there btw real name no gimmick

[SenecaHaze]

bump cuz fat bitches need love too

[Sir Lethal]

This was good, I just didn't like the flow though to be honest. Also next time maybe space it out a bit? it was difficult to read

[SenecaHaze]

bump for somthin different =p last one tho.

[143]

Let's go

First off, no need for the commas at the end of the line, it looks bad and make a reader thinks that the line is continuing.


i know its seen as funny,lean lunchmeat & always been a junkie,
in a pic lookin grungy & see a drunk me... I shotgun'd three,
why im rappin so i can be mackin fatchicks with good credit,
yea i said it, no regrets kid,who ya'll find me in the bed with,

Cool opener but the second line is stretch with the ending coming off as a filler

only one tho two wont fit,dont quit with the feed my-bone shit,
known it like a breast inspector knows tits,too many hydro hits,
one you always take to a buffet,too costly to go to a restaurant
supply of powder to roll my girl in flour.. find the wet spot,

ok lines, the "hydro hits" missed and the find the wet id kind of played

a couple weeks in her bank account,& i can take those ammounts,
causing her next checks to bounce but we can make it I announce
then bought an ounce,laughed inside her house, had an allowance,
climb her mountains after im on the phone with her accountants

jumbled thoughts here that left me going "huh". I know this is a comedy piece and i do drop them from time to time but you still have to have some continuity to keep the jokes rolling. This was too random.

maybe I'll get a job Ive intent,but you do so well independant,
check her belly button the area where my dick's been indented,
gives lovers great brain like how she eats to cover her pain,
between sweat & orgasm when she on top call her thunder & rain

Commas here would help to give a clearer image, you had something here and if you could have came better before the "thunder and rain" line, it would have hit hard.

shaves her head one day tellin me what a girls taint taste like
wonder why we break up & turns babe dyke,my world aint made right,

The mix between singular and plural messes this up. "Turn babes dike" sounds better.

Overall you have something that could have been real nice and funny but the lack of clarity to what you were presenting hurt your drop. Little stuff make a big difference when reading it, even for a comedy piece. Take a little time to go back over it and it will sound funnier and better. Keep elevating.

[143]

Ok since I was told that I didn't give good feed, I will restructure what I said above.

You have a good drop with some good sims. The structure was good that it held the imagery up as a whole. A few wordplay instances was presence, but what hurt you was the grammatical errors and some of the wording be to obscure or not deep enough. In which that suppress and blurred the picture being given and jumbled the cohesiveness of the flow. Different wording and set up would have brought this to a new level and I see the comedy in this. It did have me laughing in some parts but with a second read and editing, the read would have been smoother and vivid. Good job.