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Thread: Lone Wolf

  1. #1
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    Lone Wolf

    People? more like animals, why must they feed on me
    I just want to fill my mind up and release some creativity
    my self esteem used to parallel with the alpha wolf of the pack
    now im feeling more destined to be the lone wolf, exiled and in lack
    my questions and logic is consider frivolous garbbage
    while the parrot in the trees repeats my words and is paid homage
    please dont understand this, don't take my perspective in mind
    just read my lines and pass my shit by like a field of landmines
    I wouldnt fuck with you either if you were surviving on dirt
    content with living with verbal beatings that should make you blue as a smurf
    your emotions dont matter cause im fresher with my bar structure
    to sympathize and help you out would make me the dumb mutherfucker
    so cry those tears of a clown hope you drown in solitary misery
    so I can laugh about it histerically watching you suffer unpittingly
    Kore

  2. #2
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    Re: Lone Wolf

    This piece was thought out pretty well although lacking a bit of something..Not sure exactly what is missing.

    Flow is exceptional. Vocabulary is peaking at times and lacking in a couple of spots.

    Favorite part was probably:

    "please dont understand this, don't take my perspective in mind just read my lines and pass my shit by like a field of landmines"

    because of the fact that I could sense what you were trying to get across.

    Imagery was pretty good with the smurf reference and bruising thing.

    I can feel the emotion in this. Overall it was decent. Nothing special but nothing to be ashamed of. Keep writing.

  3. #3
    Express'on is EVERYTHING Express'on's Avatar
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    Re: Lone Wolf

    People? more like animals, why must they feed on me
    I just want to fill my mind up and release some creativity
    my self esteem used to parallel with the alpha wolf of the pack
    now im feeling more destined to be the lone wolf, exiled and in lack

    Forces like that will kill ur flow every time. otherwise decent opener should work on rhyme scheme tho the syllable rhyme is way off.

    my questions and logic is consider frivolous garbbage
    while the parrot in the trees repeats my words and is paid homage
    please dont understand this, don't take my perspective in mind
    just read my lines and pass my shit by like a field of landmines

    very generic. simile try to be more creative with them. Have fun this is about how u feel write for u not for this site. It will come more natural that way.

    I wouldnt fuck with you either if you were surviving on dirt
    content with living with verbal beatings that should make you blue as a smurf
    your emotions dont matter cause im fresher with my bar structure
    to sympathize and help you out would make me the dumb mutherfucker
    so cry those tears of a clown hope you drown in solitary misery

    Its spelled "unpityingly" and it really stretches ur rhyme scheme again. "smurf" was generic. "motherfucker" rarely ever works its too drawn out to rhyme properly...

    Overall this needs work on both content as well as rhyme scheme...keep writing bro
    "the ink of a scholar, is worth a thousand times more, than the blood of a martyr"--lupe fiasco
    "I'm sonnin' ya'll like father's day/disrespect pop and get popped like Marvin Gaye" Skillz


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  4. #4
    The Birth Of Creation WhatsHisFace's Avatar
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    Re: Lone Wolf

    Nice one, though there are things to patch up to make it better. my self esteem used to parallel with the alpha wolf of the pack
    now im feeling more destined to be the lone wolf, exiled and in lack/ my questions and.....
    just as Krytical pointed out. It slowed your flow and readers will re-read in confusion, that's something you probably don't want. Also, the title says Lone Wolf, you never explained why since it seems that your point is to exclude everyone out with no reason. Get into more detail about why your a lone wolf. Trust Issues? Isolationism? Arrogance? Cynicism? It understandably to block people out, but get into why?

    Other than that, your words are good, imagery is nice and played out well in this piece. You can go deeper with meaning and word choice. Even though it good so far, it can be much stronger.
    [youtube]wtjZOf0WmdE[/youtube]

    Music.

  5. #5
    They say I'm a fight risk A.T.'s Avatar
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    Re: Lone Wolf

    People? more like animals, why must they feed on me
    I just want to fill my mind up and release some creativity
    had a good flow, but you could benefit by creatinga metaphor or finding some way to draw the reader in... be creative.
    my self esteem used to parallel with the alpha wolf of the pack
    now im feeling more destined to be the lone wolf, exiled and in lack
    in lack? that statement kind of threw off the point you were trying to make. I can tell your solitude is what you're writing about, but try to add a little pizazz to it and keep from throwing the reader off with irrelavant statements.
    my questions and logic is consider frivolous garbbage
    while the parrot in the trees repeats my words and is paid homage
    This bar got me to thinking, it would probably serve your verse better if it was the opening bar. It would be a good way to draw the reader in. nice bar in a metaphorical sense.
    please dont understand this, don't take my perspective in mind
    just read my lines and pass my shit by like a field of landmines
    Flow got choppy. Try to maintain rhythm through syllabol counts. It should read naturally. Also, this bar suggested that the reader shouldn't look for the metaphor in your verse... it would be a nice twist if it were used right, but in this instance, it almost makes someone feel guilty for trying to recognize the symbolism... try to stay away from this.
    I wouldnt fuck with you either if you were surviving on dirt
    content with living with verbal beatings that should make you blue as a smurf
    Tbh, this seemed rather elementary to me. Almost like it was keyed and you are tired of writing. Personally, I'd try not to give the impression that you are running out of ideas by using something as juvinile or elementary, if you will.
    your emotions dont matter cause im fresher with my bar structure
    to sympathize and help you out would make me the dumb mutherfucker
    While this bar flowed when reading it solo, when you compare it to the rest of your verse, I think it throws off the reader. They syllabol count wasn't the same as the rest of your verse. Try to keep an eye on this.
    so cry those tears of a clown hope you drown in solitary misery
    so I can laugh about it histerically watching you suffer unpittingly
    If you had ended this, "watching you suffer pitifully, this would have turned out to be a better bar. Not to take anything away from your closer, but rewording this would have helped in executing the portrayal of your concept.

    All in all, this wasn't bad and I apologize if I may have seemed harsh, it was not my intent. I just find that people elevate more when someone gives a thorough breakdown and explains what went wrong in each bar, as well as what went right. Keep dropping, you show potential, but try to come up with unique and original concepts, it will help you out a lot.

    I'd appreciate it if you could feed this:
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...421/index.html
    Last edited by A.T.; September 9th, 2011 at 09:01 AM

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