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Thread: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

  1. #1
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    In the short time that I’ve been here I’ve come to realize the majority of the poetry on this site is very new age and contemporary…I’m not quite sure if there is even a poetic genre for it. Now I said that to say this…my poem is the complete opposite of what I just said. It’s purposefully sappy and a bit cliché at moments, but that’s only because I wrote it for my girl and I know what she likes…she’s very classical in taste. Therefore, I tried to tailor-make a poem to fit her preference. So, yeah, I know…trust me…I know. Feedback/criticism is always welcomed though. Enjoy…I hope.

    RANDOM THOUGHTS FORM A FOOL IN LOVE


    When I look at you…

    I THINK OF GOD

    And how proud he must have been
    The day he made you
    The smile on his face
    And the joy in is heart
    The feeling of great accomplishment

    You are the prototype Eve before the fall
    The blueprint to beauty
    The picture- prefect- version of an angel

    There is nothing not to
    LOVE,
    ADMIRE,
    DESIRE or
    LUST,
    You are divine in every way

    There are no words worthy enough to define your splendor
    You render wordsmiths worthless and poets speechless
    Musicians have ventured to put you down on paper
    Turn your beauty into notes and compose…

    What sweat sounds perfection makes…

    Your melody is heavenly
    Your heartbeat is rhythmic
    Your dance moves are flawless

    ...You are a waltzing miracle

    A walking-talking-fairytale I want to never end
    So, grab my hand and let’s dance through eternity
    Turn our backs on mortality
    And discover what forever is


    Our story begins with a "Once upon a time"
    And IF it ever ends
    It’ll be a "Happily ever-after"
    The in-between chapters
    Are filled with romance and sunny days
    With little beads of raindrops
    thumping against windowpanes

    Mother Nature’s play-list to lovemaking…

    And baby, my love is for the taking
    Hell, you’ve already stolen my heart
    So why stop now?
    I have so much more to offer

    I picture white doves flying above
    As we stand at the alter
    Reciting our vows to one another

    “When I stare into your eyes
    I see God’s grand design
    Like looking in the midnight sky
    And seeing the stars shine for the first time
    Galaxies are spinning in your pupils
    And constellations are waiting to be named
    After you

    Your smile is like a kaleidoscope
    Complete with all the colors of the rainbow
    Galileo, invited the telescope
    So that all the world my gaze upon you
    … In your heavenly form"


    She's a misguided angel in search of her halo
    Looking for her way back home…



    I know God must miss you as much as I do
    When you’re not by his side…
    Seven thousand miles across the sea
    Could never keep me from loving you
    I’d build an ark if I had to
    Or swim thru shark invested waters
    Just to reach you...risk life and limb
    For one last kiss then die a happy man


    Baby, you are my everything
    My slide and monkey bars
    Marry-go-round and swing
    A playground full of amusement
    You bring my inner child to surface
    And remind me of what innocence was like


    When I look at you…

    I THINK OF SHAKESPEARE

    And how proud he must have been
    The day he penned you
    The smile on his face
    And the joy in is heart
    The feeling of great accomplishment

    You are the prototype Juliet before the tragedy
    The rough draft to an epic poem
    The finely-polished-final-version of a masterpiece

    There is nothing not to
    LOVE,
    ADMIRE,
    DESIRE or
    LUST ,
    YOU ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE BEING EVER CREATED

    And I love you...more than you'll ever know...
    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; December 9th, 2015 at 08:20 PM

  2. #2
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; August 27th, 2011 at 12:59 PM

  3. #3
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    hey, I don't mind returnin to favor

  4. #4
    In Thought JMS's Avatar
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    Re: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    love... sometimes it feels as if there aren't enough words to fully describe what that one person means to that one other person. It's good that you tailor it to her tastes and preference seeing as she's probably the most important person this would matter to. Through and through, as a reader, there is no mistake the amount of emotion and love that is being displayed for that one person, its very evident.

    I probably enjoyed these set of lines most
    Our story begins with a "Once upon a time"
    And IF it ever ends
    It’ll be a "Happily ever-after"
    keeping in character, so to speak, keeping the flow of the writing together and expanding on different thoughts as we get to the end. The message of the 3rd stanza being given a little more strength and a show of importance with the reiteration at the end was nice. If its important then why not say it twice to add an emphasis.

    Baby, you are my everything
    My slide and monkey bars
    Marry-go-round and swing
    A playground full of amusement
    You bring my inner child to surface
    And remind me of what innocence was like
    a bit clever, was Marry-go-round spelled that way on purpose as if indicating the next step that two in love usually take (marriage)? or was it intended to be Merry-go-round? Either way i still enjoyed that stanza. Proof reading helps to solidify the thoughts and if the way you display them is the true way you want them to be seen so that any underlying message can be understood by the reader.

    it was a good read, I've nothing left to say and its 3am... hope she appreciated this, though I'm sure she did. lucky you, hold onto that.

  5. #5
    SirVent
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    Re: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    you did a pretty good job at explaining something that is almost impossible to explain. all the feelings and emotions people feel when in love are almost taboo in a sense cause its unexplainable, the fact that this was written for someone and it tailored to her tastes is what makes it that much better. and it's hard to critique something that actually holds so much weight and value, feel me?

    Baby, you are my everything
    My slide and monkey bars
    Marry-go-round and swing
    A playground full of amusement
    You bring my inner child to surface
    And remind me of what innocence was like
    was definitely your strongest stanza in my opinion.
    and like dude above me said, if 'marry' was intentional
    then props on that, i really liked the double entendre.
    simple yet very effective. sorry for the short feed,
    just got off work and im tired lol. i liked it though,
    thanks for the read.

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    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  6. #6
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    Just for kicks...but, seriously, wtf was I smokin when I wrote this lol #simpin'
    @Emily
    Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; December 9th, 2015 at 09:49 AM

  7. #7
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    @SELF ACTIVATE , I reckon you were 'smoking' hot, when you wrote this.
    I appreciate the intro into why you wrote in this style and your guts for airing it here.
    She's a lucky lady for having you appreciate her in the way you do.
    And you probably do that because she deserves every word.

    As for this piece, I liked it. I think you were clear about how you feel and why she
    makes you feel like that. I like that the appreciation is so evident, clear as day.

    "...You are the prototype Eve before the fall
    The blueprint to beauty
    The picture- prefect- version of an angel..."

    I like the flow.

    "...There are no words worthy enough to define your splendor
    You render wordsmiths worthless and poets speechless
    Musicians have ventured to put you down on paper
    Turn your beauty into notes and compose…"


    You've got some great quotes. I love this one ^^^
    but imo you could have done without the words 'enough' and 'down',
    I would have put a comma there instead.
    To me, they're not needed; they just reinstate the obvious.
    If it goes without saying; don't say it. lol. A bit of nitpick for your deliberation.

    This honeyed terminology was sweet.
    Very nice. ( <Borat accent lol)

    It's fragrant and light and breaths.
    A lovely read.
    Last edited by Emily; December 13th, 2015 at 06:03 AM


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  8. #8
    Banned Rock girl's Avatar
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    Re: Random Thoughts From A Fool In Love

    This is isn't a bad poem, your flow was on point.
    you speak what's on your mind, express your feelings and thoughts.
    keep it up!

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