my Heart

[JMS]

my Heart...
lay littered where darkened souls make rest
dodging pitch forks and stones
dancing over coals away from staring eyes
changing hues, blending and dormant
trying to stay frozen over, slowly dripping
boiling puddles, remnants of memories still freshly sinking
disfigured shadows breaking the surface
stretching and reaching for company
gesturing to a dark solemn seat next to theirs
sitting in past and present disappointments
they have piled up nicely
the future is but a fairy tale told to keep us here
to keep us waiting, wanting, longing for
that touch
dreams, doing nothing but reminding you of what you lack
accentuating the presence of the hole within
as people step through it, a thoroughfare
a passage into somebody elses happiness

my Heart...
stay beating, faint, but steady
an armor of hope draped around it
pointed fingers and smirks appear on otherwise emotionless faces
enjoying this heroic drama, partial comedy
the hero dies at the end
taking notes of the rise to climax
and the fall from euphoria
onto jagged rocks that break the skin
and hook down the soul
preventing the second wind and the rise
successfully stomping morale

my heart...
a battlefield of sorts
faded memories come back to beat in its walls
till the red runs dry, black and blue make their new home
suffocating, asphyxiated on its knees
reaching up with glazed eyes
determined to keep up the shattered hopefulness of the ignorant
the naive, too young to know better
too old to turn back

my heart...
smoldering in a pile of lost dreams and beats
cracked bones and broken smiles
clenched fists trying not to let go
faint breaths, keeping the lungs filled
trying to scream the pain away
trying to cry the hurt into the ground
to save for a later day

I step outside, ending the day spent in my head
thinking, she kissed me like she loved me
looking up and muttering, of course it would rain...

[JMS]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...541/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...531/index.html

[ItoldUIwasFat]

head up man you dont have to have links here we abolished that tyranny years ago...or months ago i forget..

either way

this was solid man, real solid stuff here. loved the language to this the choice of words in this piece was butter man. i ffelt the depth of this in each line read dude while the diction and transitions were spot on from top to bottom..
real awesome imagery aswell, like i said the way you wrote this was real enjoyable. really loved how you started every single stanza man thought that was a great addition to your piece..each time its set up the stanza so well..dunno cool f'ng concept and overall content bro..

keep posting man

[JMS]

Thank you, a load off my mind seeing as i havent posted on a board since 411hype... Very much appreciated.

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Damn, dude, your imagery is like shrapnel from a massive explosion…it was all over the place and impossible to avoid. I swear I have a huge chunk of it lodged right between my eyes…just whoa! That’s about all I can say. Honestly, I think in order to get the full meaning of this piece I’m going to have to go back and reread it a couple more times, but in the mean while I think I’ll just take a moment to let it all soak in.

the future is but a fairy tale told to keep us here
to keep us waiting, wanting, longing for
that touch
dreams, doing nothing but reminding you of what you lack
accentuating the presence of the hole within
as people step through it, a thoroughfare
a passage into somebody elses happiness

my Heart...
stay beating, faint, but steady
an armor of hope draped around it
pointed fingers and smirks appear on otherwise emotionless faces
enjoying this heroic drama, partial comedy
the hero dies at the end
taking notes of the rise to climax
and the fall from euphoria
onto jagged rocks that break the skin
and hook down the soul
preventing the second wind and the rise
successfully stomping morale

^IMO, this was the best part of your poem and an excellent example of flawless execution. You said exactly what you wanted to say and did it with style and genius. The wording was spot on.


Hey, man, it’s late and I’m half sleep and trying my best to be coherent in my reply. But, honestly, my brain is fried…this piece is sick and the only thing I can think of is…well, this piece is sick. I know my feedback does this work no justice, but I’ll get some sleep and comeback with a better response later. I just wanted to let you know I read it and I was really impressed.

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Damn, dude, your imagery is like shrapnel from a massive explosion…it was all over the place and impossible to avoid. I swear I have a huge chunk of it lodged right between my eyes…just whoa! That’s about all I can say. Honestly, I think in order to get the full meaning of this piece I’m going to have to go back and reread it a couple more times, but in the mean while I think I’ll just take a moment to let it all soak in.

the future is but a fairy tale told to keep us here
to keep us waiting, wanting, longing for
that touch
dreams, doing nothing but reminding you of what you lack
accentuating the presence of the hole within
as people step through it, a thoroughfare
a passage into somebody elses happiness

my Heart...
stay beating, faint, but steady
an armor of hope draped around it
pointed fingers and smirks appear on otherwise emotionless faces
enjoying this heroic drama, partial comedy
the hero dies at the end
taking notes of the rise to climax
and the fall from euphoria
onto jagged rocks that break the skin
and hook down the soul
preventing the second wind and the rise
successfully stomping morale

^IMO, this was the best part of your poem and an excellent example of flawless execution. You said exactly what you wanted to say and did it with style and genius. The wording was spot on.


Hey, man, it’s late and I’m half sleep and trying my best to be coherent in my reply. But, honestly, my brain is fried…this piece is sick and the only thing I can think of is…well, this piece is sick. I know my feedback does this work no justice, but I’ll get some sleep and comeback with a better response later. I just wanted to let you know I read it and I was really impressed.

[JMS]

thank you, i am extremely flattered almost a little embarassed