My Life

[thatdudeB]

ayo, i stand next to the edge so i can explore myself
images of knowledge has gotten me floored with wealth
wishing shit was different as i drown in regret
tears filling the air, as my heart pounds my chest
walking a fine line like a bi-sexual
wanting to feel when its all mental
a creation of thoughts from my dreams and fears
only twenty four but death seems so near
as every opposition comes from within so every gain appear as losses
see for me nothings easy, my paths clear as darkness
so when i encounter a fork in the road
the only out comes too contort like harder game modes
shits so funny as i approach the outter limits
cuz as my sanity waivers like tug of war, my moms prouder then bliss
still a mortal with a want for the feeling of beyond
cuz prayings a trick of the mind, hoping god and me bond
with the only answer being never look back
forget what you believe in as you'll only know fact
like whats really real? as desire comes from another mans life
that why my lifes a bitch that woke up on the wrong side

[thatdudeB]

links

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...006/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...160/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...246/index.html

[bad XVI]

ayo, i stand next to the edge so i can explore myself
images of knowledge has gotten me floored with wealth
wishing shit was different as i drown in regret
tears filling the air, as my heart pounds my chest
walking a fine line like a bi-sexual
wanting to feel when its all mental

good opening...mental and sexual..dont rhyme homie..flow was hit and miss but i dig the rhyming



a creation of thoughts from my dreams and fears
only twenty four but death seems so near

worrrrrd....love this line

as every opposition comes from within so every gain appear as losses
see for me nothings easy, my paths clear as darkness
so when i encounter a fork in the road
the only out comes too contort like harder game modes
shits so funny as i approach the outter limits
cuz as my sanity waivers like tug of war, my moms prouder then bliss

rhyme scheme was akward. like the path/darkness line

still a mortal with a want for the feeling of beyond
cuz prayings a trick of the mind, hoping god and me bond
with the only answer being never look back
forget what you believe in as you'll only know fact
like whats really real? as desire comes from another mans life
that why my lifes a bitch that woke up on the wrong side

BEST part of the song...really loved this part


Love the raw emotion homie

[Lyrical Sword]

I agree with bad.. the opener started good then the rhymes lack, and from there, the multies come but still really aint working.. this verse pretty much seems keys to me cuz there is nothin' much but emotion.. the imagery is ok at some points and really back at some points too.. the wording can be improve as well.. and to improve on it put more thoughts into it and use meta and simile to make the imagery strong to follow..

KEEp it up

[thatdudeB]

thanks for the feed from both.. and yea, it didn't take long to write this

[Str8 JackIt]

as every opposition comes from within so every gain appear as losses
see for me nothings easy, my paths clear as darkness

still a mortal with a want for the feeling of beyond
cuz prayings a trick of the mind, hoping god and me bond

best lines you had in there...flow was choppy at parts....im sure you're more than aware of that...nothing really stretched....rhyme scheme wasn't the best but i saw what you was tryn to do...

jsut stick with it, do some collabs, find some concepts and get to it....you'll get the hang of it in no time

[stevenwatson2009]

I don't care what others may think, I personally think it had some pretty nice multies.

[WhatsHisFace]

Vary nice, you had a lot of deep lines and the meaning of your piece is vary clear and emotional. Their are some parts that lost the flow such as the bisexual and mental lines. I also think you can explore more ways to make the deatils vivid and clear, it went from bland to deep then back to bland then back to deep. Try ending your deep thoughts with a line that cause's the reader to think and then repeat the next couple of lines. But overall nice job.

[Ink Poyzin]

well, first off, i have to disagree with some of the feeds above. the flow wasn't off.. if you spit or if you spit it, you know about assonances... i didn't find much problem there. you could've had better word choices at times. but, you definitely executed it.

i don't know, man.. i see potential here. but, the structure is just fucked.. not the flow, the structure. people always seem to get those two confused.. the way you mapped it all out. it's just mixed emotions. no beginning, no end. that type of shit.. maybe mix a story in with it. bring it to life. however, it wasn't horrible. good usage of similies, smooth flow, emotions, and vocab.. definitely keep at it. i'll keep an eye out. thanks for the read, man.

keep ya head up.

[143]

As a big difference in writing, NEVER start out a drop with "ayo". I know it's a intro thing that gets the line and mind working but when you are through writing, erase it and it sound better. As for the rest of the drop, it came off a little freestylish. You had some good instances but it's was just that, instances. This would have benefited with more time put to it and work on the structure because it gives the boundaries on how it comes across. you can use short lines but it sounds better when you have a longer line to even the balance. This is not bad by means just needs tightening up.

[Express'on]

I thought this was pretty cool...I mean the beginning 4 lines were dope and the last 6-8 lines were also...the body was real choppy ,aybe it was made on a beat but without the beat its really hard to catch that flow...Even visually u can tell where it will go wrong, if u notice ur stretched bars are much longer and ur choppy ones are much shorter...I think if you fix ur structure you will clean up ur flow considerable...


if u could rtf I'd appreciate it: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...259/index.html