Round 1

[foxx]

Ding Ding! there's the bell I'm ready to do this
I'm feelin invincible like that nigga Joe Louis
Goin toe to toe wit life this is my biggest fight yet
but hold on Im havin second thoughts... i dont think im ready yet
My fam is in my corner, they're here to show me love
Me and life, we waltz to the center of the ring and tap gloves
I start out wit a couple punches to the body, to the jaw
Life throws a haymaker - O shit im bout to fall
My head hits the ground god damn I feel retarded
I cant be done yet the fight just started!
We in the MGM in Vegas WTF just happened?
he hit me wit a left now I feel like Im in Manhatten!
or maybe Madison Square, fuckkkk man I can't lose it
now I'm thinkin to myself I don't think I can do this
Ding! there goes Round 1..
I choked just like Marshall, I ain't ready
I just hurled in my pan, only thing missin is ma spaghetti



Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...269/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...610/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...006/index.html

[Str8 JackIt]

post links and i'll edit this with critique

[foxx]

edited

[Anonymous1ne]

i got mixed feelings on this piece. it is ok, not the greatest. I like how your taking it to a personal level, keepin real with yourself. I think its a bit too short though for a personal piece, and if it was a bit longer, a little more in depth it be better. Keep up the work man!

[Nohbody]

Ding Ding! there's the bell I'm ready to do this
I'm feelin invincible like that nigga Joe Louis
Goin toe to toe wit life this is my biggest fight yet
but hold on Im havin second thoughts... i dont think im ready yet
My fam is in my corner, they're here to show me love
Me and life, we waltz to the center of the ring and tap gloves
I start out wit a couple punches to the body, to the jaw
Life throws a haymaker - O shit im bout to fall
My head hits the ground god damn I feel retarded
I cant be done yet the fight just started!
We in the MGM in Vegas WTF just happened?
he hit me wit a left now I feel like Im in Manhatten!
or maybe Madison Square, fuckkkk man I can't lose it
now I'm thinkin to myself I don't think I can do this
Ding! there goes Round 1..
I choked just like Marshall, I ain't ready
I just hurled in my pan, only thing missin is ma spaghetti

the thing is. . simplicity can be dope. . you can have a simple flow and metaphors and still have an amazing drop, where i think you fell short is every meaningful metaphor seems thin, and the ideas just werent all that creative

I feel the topic, just not the execution so much. This wasnt completely horrible, just nothing really outstanding yah know?

[thatdudeB]

thought this was average..nothing special or bad.. seems like you wrote this, then put it on here without any editing.. had decent story, nothing i haven't seen or heard though.. just keep writing/improving

[#PrimeTime]

Ding Ding! there's the bell I'm ready to do this
I'm feelin invincible like that nigga Joe Louis
Kind of short for an opener, I would suggest adding some multi's here because the flow is too short here in your opener.

Goin toe to toe wit life this is my biggest fight yet
but hold on Im havin second thoughts... i dont think im ready yet
transitioned well from your opening line.

My fam is in my corner, they're here to show me love
Me and life, we waltz to the center of the ring and tap gloves
this was good, however i would suggest something like this:
I get to the center to my opponent, ready, and tap gloves

I start out wit a couple punches to the body, to the jaw
Life throws a haymaker - O shit im bout to fall
didnt connect

My head hits the ground god damn I feel retarded
I cant be done yet the fight just started!
you get punched and you feel retarded? lol.

We in the MGM in Vegas WTF just happened?
he hit me wit a left now I feel like Im in Manhatten!
how can you go from las vegas to manhattan? lol. humorus, but wording was a little off here.

or maybe Madison Square, fuckkkk man I can't lose it
now I'm thinkin to myself I don't think I can do this
this was pretty good.

Ding! there goes Round 1..
I choked just like Marshall, I ain't ready
I just hurled in my pan, only thing missin is ma spaghetti
decent closer

I like Open Mic's that are sports related. However, I feel as if this piece could use some work. Personally I think this piece best fits an audio type, based on your flow. Your piece overall wasn't that bad don't get me wrong, I think there are some key things to work on:

1.) Connecting your bars - When i say this, i mean your lines in each bar have to connect in order for your piece to make sense. such as these lines:

We in the MGM in Vegas WTF just happened?
he hit me wit a left now I feel like Im in Manhatten!
or maybe Madison Square, fuckkkk man I can't lose it
now I'm thinkin to myself I don't think I can do this

2.) Vocab - Your vocab wasnt bad, I just believe it could've been worded a little better like this line:

My head hits the ground god damn I feel retarded
I cant be done yet the fight just started!

3.) Depth - Overall your piece was a little short. I wouldve liked to have seen this piece be broken down into 3 parts:
1.) Pre-Match
2.) The Match itself
3.) Post-Match...

Overall like i said, this piece wasn't bad at all, it was somewhat simple but just keep working hard, keep dropping pieces and eventually your pieces will improve steadily. decent job man, keep at it.

[A.T.]

ok, your flow was decent, stayed on point for the most part. This is
an interesting perspective on taking life head on, so it made for an
interesting read, none-the-less. There are many things that you could
improve upon, such as; metaphores, vocabulary, and developing a more
complex rhymes scheme. A good rhymescheme could make even the simplist
concepts blossom into a great piece, just for the fact that you can
impress others by your lyricism. Basically, this isn't a bad drop, more
than likely, this was keyed, but I see some potential in you. Keep
dropping and be creative in concepts.