These Roots

[Slayerr]



then
These roots anchor me and keep me sane
We seize disputes in hopes to make a name
And stake a claim for fake fame in this confinement
We forsake shame to finally complete this assignment
We slack off consistently and display apathy
Attack and betray reality for a fantasy
These opaque walls surround us from all positions
That make us profoundly short sited with no ambition
Being trapped here not experiencing anything more
Prevents us adapting to steer in the direction we work for

now:
I thought this day would never arrive
I say that I feel my freedom has been deprived
I guess I’ve found these past years so amusing
I confess that I’ve been wrapped in a uniform of delusion
My friends the water drops on my mirror, and fait
is the mist, in which they gradually all start to evaporate
I thought it could last forever…but I deceived my brain
I sit and stood in every place possible to leave my name
Aggrieving pain sears my heart in two and it shows
One part wants to stay at school and the other wants to go
Was dreaming of this day for years didn’t think I’d greave
It’s seeming like I was so wrong, now in tears…I don’t want to leave
Back in the days I could do anything with nothing at stake
Now I act amassed as I felt beneath me as these roots start to break

I’m free….but can I stand?

[Spoken]

First off links were it be at... Also for saying your attempting for HOF sounds a bit to abroad man like seriously is it worth it cause the best comes when naturally delivered as something rolling right off the tongue and quite inspirational or amusing and this was nothing short in retrospect but there are some diction convolutions like where were you really going with this... A message? A reflection??? The emotion was raw nothin too fancy and the content was there just felt it wasn't co distant and I mean I get this my dude and it's nice man just putting up HOF attempt notice seems kinda stretching it ya know... If it's hof material it shall be nom'd nuff said.


Anyways to critique this to better understanding... You open with a past rejection of events or emotions was a goo openerfelt some lines could have been salted with a little more spaz of salt. The flow was good but a little shaky here and there for the most part of the drop. Te emotion was clear but the diction like said above was kinda in the middle like didn't really get the sway across from lone to line the transitions werenok at best for the most part it bothered your flow like a stagnant stop and go theme. The second verse was much much more appealing to my flavor but ey... This isn't my drop it's yours but still your scone verse killed te first with greeter and stronger content to emotion. It stood out and made the connection with the THEN verse to collide the statements and bury em' together nicely.

Honestly a nice read one of the beat I seen you come

[Extinctor Draconis]

If it's hof material it shall be nom'd

this

don't say it's HoF attempt


it's pretty much a pet peeve. Write for yourself, to improve your craft.

[Ocsar Rasco]

These opaque walls surround us from all positions
That make us profoundly short sited with no ambition
Being trapped here not experiencing anything more
Prevents us adapting to steer in the direction we work for

liked that

I say that I feel my freedom has been deprived
I guess I’ve found these past years so amusing
I confess that I’ve been wrapped in a uniform of delusion
My friends the water drops on my mirror, and fait
is the mist, in which they gradually all start to evaporate

liked that too..

overall good piece..

[Slayerr]

i know it aint gonna make HoF but when ever i drop in here it get's slept on but i see people put hof attempt and get shit loads of reply, so i thought i'd try that.

[Slayerr]

uppin'

[Andrewert]

Dope piece here brah, I felt the emotion and the vocab and multis were defiantly there. I feel like that you could have ended it a bit differently but other than that this a defiantly a dope piece my favorite part had to be

I guess I’ve found these past years so amusing
I confess that I’ve been wrapped in a uniform of delusion
My friends the water drops on my mirror, and fait
is the mist, in which they gradually all start to evaporate

[Slayerr]

drop links ill rtf

[GrimReapa™]

first off....lol at i just put HOF attempt to get more people cuz other do it...Its why i clicced on this lol. it works slay

but as for the piece it is not a HOF OM, you have talent and maybe one day you can get it just keep going.

then
These roots anchor me and keep me sane
We seize disputes in hopes to make a name
And stake a claim for fake fame in this confinement
We forsake shame to finally complete this assignment
We slack off consistently and display apathy
Attack and betray reality for a fantasy
These opaque walls surround us from all positions
That make us profoundly short sited with no ambition
Being trapped here not experiencing anything more
Prevents us adapting to steer in the direction we work for

it was okay. okay vocab it was good it built on the flow. content in her was okay. i think some of it was unneeded. But it was cool you need a bit of development and i think you will be really good. but this was a solid attempt.

now:
I thought this day would never arrive
I say that I feel my freedom has been deprived
I guess I’ve found these past years so amusing
I confess that I’ve been wrapped in a uniform of delusion
My friends the water drops on my mirror, and fait
is the mist, in which they gradually all start to evaporate
I thought it could last forever…but I deceived my brain
I sit and stood in every place possible to leave my name
Aggrieving pain sears my heart in two and it shows
One part wants to stay at school and the other wants to go
Was dreaming of this day for years didn’t think I’d greave
It’s seeming like I was so wrong, now in tears…I don’t want to leave
Back in the days I could do anything with nothing at stake
Now I act amassed as I felt beneath me as these roots start to break

it was okay. a lil no climatic you know it was kinda predictable. you should work on your storytelling and making thing vivid almost real in your readers eyes. make them yearn to learn more about your character or whatever you are talking about.

keep at it slay

[#PrimeTime]

These roots anchor me and keep me sane
We seize disputes in hopes to make a name

good

And stake a claim for fake fame in this confinement
We forsake shame to finally complete this assignment

nice imagery here.

We slack off consistently and display apathy
Attack and betray reality for a fantasy

this was solid, but a stretch on the rhyme scheme, apathy/fantasy...try to come up with a better word to rhyme with.

These opaque walls surround us from all positions
That make us profoundly short sited with no ambition

This was a good bar, i liked this one.

Being trapped here not experiencing anything more
Prevents us adapting to steer in the direction we work for

^ Good closing line for your 1st paragraph.

now...
I thought this day would never arrive
I say that I feel my freedom has been deprived

ok im not dissin you and rippin on here, but in your first line of this bar, you say "i thought this day would never arrive"...i think the 2nd line in that bar should clear what you wish wouldn't arrive... jus sayin.

I guess I’ve found these past years so amusing
I confess that I’ve been wrapped in a uniform of delusion

I suggest using a different rhyme scheme here.

My friends the water drops on my mirror, and fait
is the mist, in which they gradually all start to evaporate

^ solid emotion and imagery cuz. likin this.

I thought it could last forever…but I deceived my brain
I sit and stood in every place possible to leave my name

not bad

Aggrieving pain sears my heart in two and it shows
One part wants to stay at school and the other wants to go

Good imagery here.

Was dreaming of this day for years didn’t think I’d greave
It’s seeming like I was so wrong, now in tears…I don’t want to leave
Back in the days I could do anything with nothing at stake
Now I act amassed as I felt beneath me as these roots start to break

Good last 2 bars to close it up and wrap it up.

Breakdown:

Obviously this is a topical open mic piece. I'm not the best at giving solid feedback on topicals but bare with me homie. I think the opening paragraph was a little dull, not a whole lot of imagery and didnt seem to have any direction. The 2nd paragraph was much more detailed, descriptive and more imagery and emotion than in the first paragraph. I think you should expand your open mic pieces if you continue to drop topical mics because then readers can get a better understanding of the whole story. Sorry if I disappointed you, i don't read alot of topicals but this was much better than expected. Keep ya head up Slayerr, you'll get into the HoF sooner than later. Just keep workin at it my man. Solid work.

[foxx]

Correct me if im wrong but what i got from the verse was that "The Roots" was referring to life and how you were goin through school and dealing with all the bullshit and fakeness. walking the hallways in school not givin a fuck about class and what not "We slack off consistently and display apathy Attack and betray reality for a fantasy" i can definately relate to that line.

"These opaque walls surround us from all positions
That make us profoundly short sited with no ambition"

this line referring to walking the hallways in school and the "system" spoon feeding you bullshit on how to be successful in life bla bla bla..
then you talk about graduating and having mixed feelings. the day comes and you thought you would be happy.
"Now I act amassed as I felt beneath me as these roots start to break

I’m free….but can I stand'" you talk about you try to gather all the things you learned in school, as get ready to leave. and when you finally leave you feel free. the roots break. but all that shit you are glad to be away from is all you know and you question if you are ready for the "real world". my only suggesstion is the second "as" in the second to last line can be removed in my opinion. other than that i liked it alot
keep writin, very nice

[Str8 JackIt]

this was ok....not a lot of depth to it....the last stanza you just kind of kept re-explaining the same thing and saying it different ways...first portion i wasn't really feeling.....

eh....i think i've seen better from you in SS....there was plenty of emotion i guess but no imagery, and the content was lacking at drawing the reader in to feeling just how you felt...just my opinion bro...keep writing...

[thatdudeB]

i thought this was pretty good.. nothing spectacular but you had good ideas in there.. just could have been worded sharper to me.. nothing complex to in the rhyme scheme.. decent multis.. seems like to me, you've been writing for a short time.. overall, pretty good verse

[143]

First off, love the marketing of your drop, homey. I feel you with the "slept on" aspect of open mic when you drop something. As for this, it is not your best work and sometimes we don't do that because how could we drop our best work if it was the last time.lol. Really you know that it needs some changing and felt this was a "keep sharp" piece for SS. I like where you were going with this but could have delve deeper into it and the last bars basically killed the drop. I know how good you are and know I will see better from you, Homey.

[English]

oi fuckboy, dont write 'hof attempt' anywhere near any of ur pieces again, thats not a good premise. thats not what you should be aiming for either; you should be 'aiming' only to progress

and progressing is something you may be doing but not down the correct avenue...the lines are shorter - good thing, the rhyming technique is mostly the same, the direction youve taken I dislike...seems like ur tryna be like ur peers on this site as opposed to finding urself...that might not make a whole lot of sense...keep writing tho youve nothing but improvement ahead of you, id just rather you became a rapper who was a writer first instead of turning into a full blown topicalist.

lulz, peace.