Another Brick in the Wall

[Jukon]

The words echo, and my arms go numb,
tired of waiving the cost from the past- it's begun.
So we sit; and ponder what's left in the world,
we try to right what's wrong, but "it's up to the lord."
Then we wonder if he's real, how can he let us feel..
all this pain that backfires at us, it seems too real.
We just want a break from the truth, can we go back to our youth?
when everything was easy- we weren't there to pollute.
we didn't make the world what it is today,
just acted as witnesses and tried to get away.
let me ask..
what makes you think you can make the change?
your pockets are empty and it all remains the same.
At a constant rate, we spin and attempt to embrace,
the perfect imbalance of what's real and what's fake.
you pick up your feet, feeling the world crash underneath,
all the nights where the moon pursued you with deceit.
painting peaceful night skies, only to tear apart the canvas,
it deafens the cries, washing away where the tears landed.
Tending to the garden that we call life, we strive to fall, right?
the calls might return in autumn or when the sun hides at night.
but until then I'll stay locked in my room with a busted pen,
try to write in my world of doom, I've adjusted to sin.
Why am I so mad at you, hate will always reign true
I left my umbrella in the car and now I can't save you.
all the walls that I pass, none of them speak loud,
they just keep it to themselves but I know I let 'em down.
My fist winds up, ready to tear down what taught me to trust,
like Berlin in Germany I'm ripping down what tore me up.
just another..brick in the wall, no different from you all,
but I shine, in a black hole; you can't swallow me whole, but as I fall..

the angels sing...while the leaves paint themselves with autumn
and the seasons hesitantly change, we all..we all just remain the same.
Just another goddamn brick in the wall.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...277/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...276/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...037/index.html

[breeno]

Good drop. Love the message behind it mate. Personally I think your vocab is great, but it lacked a little flow and multis. That's just my opinion, I found it difficult to pinpoint how it would flow in my head.

Apart from that, very good drop. The message is incredibly deep.

Fav line:

but until then I'll stay locked in my room with a busted pen,
try to write in my world of doom, I've adjusted to sin.
Why am I so mad at you, hate will always reign true
I left my umbrella in the car and now I can't save you.

The multis were dope there.

[Jukon]

Appreciated, I feel you on the flow. There's only 1 beat I've found it flows to, I'll link you if I get on a comp tonight.

[breeno]

Appreciated, I feel you on the flow. There's only 1 beat I've found it flows to, I'll link you if I get on a comp tonight.

Awesome, will be good to read it to a beat

[W!ll Tha K!d]

Good work homie that went deep i liked it thats something i would like to hear through my system while im drivin round yo

[Jukon]

Thanks

[Jukon]

Uppin

[Daughter of Gaia]

The words echo, and my arms go numb,
tired of waiving the cost from the past- it's begun.
So we sit; and ponder what's left in the world,
we try to right what's wrong, but "it's up to the lord."
Then we wonder if he's real, how can he let us feel..
all this pain that backfires at us, it seems too real.
We just want a break from the truth, can we go back to our youth?
when everything was easy- we weren't there to pollute.
we didn't make the world what it is today,
just acted as witnesses and tried to get away.

(I loved the karmic expression used to open this piece up as it really sets the stage. Inserting the question in verse 7 was ideal to captivate the reader to emphasize with you.)

let me ask..
what makes you think you can make the change?
your pockets are empty and it all remains the same.
At a constant rate, we spin and attempt to embrace,
the perfect imbalance of what's real and what's fake.
you pick up your feet, feeling the world crash underneath,
all the nights where the moon pursued you with deceit.
painting peaceful night skies, only to tear apart the canvas,
it deafens the cries, washing away where the tears landed.
Tending to the garden that we call life, we strive to fall, right?
the calls might return in autumn or when the sun hides at night.
but until then I'll stay locked in my room with a busted pen,
try to write in my world of doom, I've adjusted to sin.
Why am I so mad at you, hate will always reign true
I left my umbrella in the car and now I can't save you.
all the walls that I pass, none of them speak loud,
they just keep it to themselves but I know I let 'em down.
My fist winds up, ready to tear down what taught me to trust,
like Berlin in Germany I'm ripping down what tore me up.
just another..brick in the wall, no different from you all,
but I shine, in a black hole; you can't swallow me whole, but as I fall..

(The imagery was intense in this set of verses and the emotion inscribed really hit hard. I loved the metaphorical play in verse 13 and 14. Verses 16, 17 and 18 seemed a bit repetitive to me, either felt you had to drag this thought out or to add emphasis to the feeling of ‘bringing change’. You have a strong stance inside your verses and expressed your beliefs strongly toward the contrast you are living. Very poetic.)

the angels sing...while the leaves paint themselves with autumn
and the seasons hesitantly change, we all..we all just remain the same.
Just another goddamn brick in the wall.

[Masahiko]

I liked this piece.

I think you started out a little slow, for a beginning I want to be captivated immediately, the beginning could have been spiced up a little with a more abstract rhyme scheme or even just solid multis to set the pace.
But the meaty part was good, you picked up the pace and really got on a roll with your thoughts, even used nice wordplay, like in my favorite line

"Why am I so mad at you, hate will always reign true
I left my umbrella in the car and now I can't save you."

I like it. The emotion in that bar, subtle but it was definitely there

Thank you for the piece man.

[Jukon]

Thanks

[Soule]

I honestly loved this. You and Oatmeal easily have the two best Open Mics for this month so far. The multies and flow was just ill as hell. Not on some Engivale status, but for what's being posted around here recently -- most definently higher quality. The wording was clean and cut nicely. Nothing seemed out of tone or over layered. Liked the concept and idea quite a bit. Nom'd.


Also, let's do another addition to that Rehab ish dude.

[6feetdeep]

Nice concept, good flow. A few of your rhymes felt quite forced and some of the structure was a bit hectic. Maybe its just me, I would have to have an audio of this to tell 100%. Other than that the whole thing worked for me and i'd give it a 7/10

[Nohbody]

ummm. . .it was a good piece, but it had its problems

the metaphors where good. . at best. I think they would have had more of an impact if there was better vocabulary and flow behind them. The thoughts were good, but i see a lack of wording to support those ideas.

The concept was great, and the topic was deep. I just feel the topic was deeper then ur presentation and content.

The flow staggered a bit, but it wasnt terrible, i think this would translate to audio with the right beat.

So overall, decent flow, great concept/topic, feel the vocabulary choice could have been a bit more creative and id give it a 6-7/10

keep it up man

[Manik Sona]

This was sweet. Totally feeling you here. Interested to hear with a beat.

[MADDNES53]

too melodramatic for my taste. as the saying goes you are "drowning in a puddle". I find that if you cut the bs then you will see that you are much more than just "another brick in the wall".