Wishin'

[#PrimeTime]

I kinda just wrote this and didn't care too much about sylable count, flow, line structure, vocab this was something i just wrote down as i went. It's called wishin'

Too many times in my life, I stop and say to myself - "I wish"
takes me back to when life was good, where went my confidence?
"I wish i had a better life, more money" thats all I hear,
Like my life is a ghost, i wish to the people in my life i didn't disappear
Wish i did this, did that, can't seem to shake off the past,
But basically i wish that this nagging feeling wouldn't last,
I walk down the road put my hood that covers my face,
I wish i wasn't judged by all, i'm not a disgrace,
Get so stuck wishing, I arrive at the places outrageously late,
Feelin so down, like the Euro-U.S. dollar exchange rate,
Walk down the road, see former friends, would say hi but they say im soldout
Wish my ex didn't leave me,i was early but the candles were already burnt out
2nd guessing is my thought, wishing is my struggle,
like an dyslexic Quarterback, i always forget the play out of the huddle
I wish my sentimental values didn't affect my family,
I wish i didn't live in a distant world, like an online fantasy,
I wish my ex-girlfriend saw more trust in me,
I wish she thought i didn't do things half-heartidly,
Wishing my life was better than it was would make things great,
My bday i was early, but my guests were fed up and began cuttin the cake
Wish i could've shown more appreciate at my cousins graduation,
valedictorian he was, i sat down when the crowd gave him a standing ovation
But i didn't care i was too busy thinkin my life was in jeopardy
As i sit back and reflect, im done wishin, this was all a distant memory


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...081/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...844/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...718/index.html

[Nohbody]

Kind of interesting critiquing a verse that has no real focus point hahaha.. lets see what we have

Too many times in my life, I stop and say to myself - "I wish"
takes me back to when life was good, where went my confidence?
"I wish i had a better life, more money" thats all I hear,
Like my life is a ghost, i wish to the people in my life i didn't disappear

this is cool actually. . like, yea i can find flaws in vocab and flow, buts its like, ur just letting thoughts bleed out and what you see is what you get

Wish i did this, did that, can't seem to shake off the past,
But basically i wish that this nagging feeling wouldn't last,
I walk down the road put my hood that covers my face,
I wish i wasn't judged by all, i'm not a disgrace,
Get so stuck wishing, I arrive at the places outrageously late,
Feelin so down, like the Euro-U.S. dollar exchange rate,
Walk down the road, see former friends, would say hi but they say im soldout
Wish my ex didn't leave me,i was early but the candles were already burnt out
2nd guessing is my thought, wishing is my struggle,
like an dyslexic Quarterback, i always forget the play out of the huddle

actually some decent wordplay came out of this. . the thoughts and ideas are nice. . again, could pick apart the bad, but i came in to this knowing there was no real focus on everything else lol

I wish my sentimental values didn't affect my family,
I wish i didn't live in a distant world, like an online fantasy,
I wish my ex-girlfriend saw more trust in me,
I wish she thought i didn't do things half-heartidly,
Wishing my life was better than it was would make things great,
My bday i was early, but my guests were fed up and began cuttin the cake
Wish i could've shown more appreciate at my cousins graduation,
valedictorian he was, i sat down when the crowd gave him a standing ovation
But i didn't care i was too busy thinkin my life was in jeopardy
As i sit back and reflect, im done wishin, this was all a distant memory

good shit here man. . in the sense that you obviously have alot eating away at you if this is all true, and your just pouring it all out. I wouldnt accuse this of being the best verse i have ever seen. . but i do appreciate the honesty and how you opened up and let it all out. . now go work on ur problems lol

Plzz rtn feed:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...277/index.html

[#PrimeTime]

lol 'preciate the feed good sir.

uppn

[#PrimeTime]

uppn for feedback

[Jukon]

Ok. This was different. And I'm normally the type to appreciate a scatter brained written but I wish this had atleast SOME focus. Even keystones have focuses for the most part. I couldnt really catch a flow so the read was pretty awkward and boring for me. And you should elaborate on your concepts more. The repetitiveness of the "I wish.." got old rather quickly. Instead of saying it numerous times in a row you could have just done..

I wish..
Statement here
Statement here
And
So
Forth.

Make sense? Overall..it was ok, I didn't really care for it, I suppose the best thing about this was the emotion and the honesty. Keep practicing.

[Express'on]

oo many times in my life, I stop and say to myself - "I wish"
takes me back to when life was good, where went my confidence?

"where went my confidence" try to be more fluent maybe it could be "What happened to my confidence" or something that is grammatically correct

"I wish i had a better life, more money" thats all I hear,
Like my life is a ghost, i wish to the people in my life i didn't disappear

ur missing a word after "didn't ---"
I kind of like ur flow on this regardless of what seems like negative feed so far

Wish i did this, did that, can't seem to shake off the past,
But basically i wish that this nagging feeling wouldn't last,

Good...

I walk down the road put my hood that covers my face,
I wish i wasn't judged by all, i'm not a disgrace,

Ehh...wording could be better focus less on the rhyme and more on the flow...rhyming will come naturally

Get so stuck wishing, I arrive at the places outrageously late,
Feelin so down, like the Euro-U.S. dollar exchange rate,

stretched and terribly forced...work on wording concept was cool

Walk down the road, see former friends, would say hi but they say im soldout
Wish my ex didn't leave me,i was early but the candles were already burnt out

Grammer is big issue... and some directional mishaps "would say hi"...is that supposed to be "wouldnt" or "I would" (say hi) it should be "I sold out" and "have" instead of "were"...try to focus editing a little better

2nd guessing is my thought, wishing is my struggle,
like an dyslexic Quarterback, i always forget the play out of the huddle

(a thought) stretched its ok not to use mechanical devices but u have to at least have a free flowing piece...

I wish my sentimental values didn't affect my family,
I wish i didn't live in a distant world, like an online fantasy,
I wish my ex-girlfriend saw more trust in me,
I wish she thought i didn't do things half-heartidly,

nice I liked the last 2 lines alot

Wishing my life was better than it was would make things great,
My bday i was early, but my guests were fed up and began cuttin the cake

Not really feeling this and also stretch...ig ur going to draw it out like this make sure to put some multis in there

Wish i could've shown more appreciate at my cousins graduation,
valedictorian he was, i sat down when the crowd gave him a standing ovation

bland..."appreciation"?

But i didn't care i was too busy thinkin my life was in jeopardy
As i sit back and reflect, im done wishin, this was all a distant memory

decent end...I think this was ok...not great but the concept though a little cliche was conveyed pretty well...good write bro...Ill b looking for more pieces from u

[#PrimeTime]

mods close this please.