Intro to Cesar

[NotaCoolMC]

Introduction to Cesar, critique would be awesome.



It's the boy holding a broken cordless/
Standing on the stage yelling loud in his mind and yet he remains voiceless/
Poises himself to sink his poison into the crowd/
His vocal chords vibrating he's starting to get loud but/
Words caught in his throat keep chokin him out/ pouting, the kid's shouting, dumbfounded and strained/
Stressed, brain caving, untrained, 
Ripping his membrane apart paining 'em/
Feigning confidence is hard when your going insane and your seeing stars, fumblin through the bars that remain/

Suddenly his flow is wetter, words start stickin' together/
Like balls in hot weather, heatin' up like grilled cheddar/
Noticeably better, the crowd starts to vibe, going hard like a barb through the heart Crikey/
Steve's poking this sleeping beast with a pike/
He's sick, green, Superman spittin' kryptonite on the mic/
In his mind, it's griping, the way he's fighting/
Trying to overcome the biggest fear in his life/
Stifling, climbing a mountain of this height/
Spittin riddles and cipher, systematically producing proverbs  like  he came from China/
An alien talking a foreign language they understand, his pen sketching verse for verse in your head/
A lyrical gun, curving bullets into your ears/
Taking a tour to the frontal lobe having a world premiere/
Then out through the other side hitting Angelina Jolie, straying/ It ricochets off of the wall, hits you in the spine, now you're sipping through a straw/
These metaphors, turned cynical physically unable to stand tall/
The doctors sterilized the mic/ realizes you're paralyzed, starts Surgery like/ 
I'm losing him! Check his pulse! The syllables must have lodged themselves Deep, impulsively I to seek the reason for these immobilizing rhymes/
 Just let you into my mind/
My brains too stupid to let me produce a rhyme/ that let's me introduce myself/ help me somebody HELP!/
Just call me the Clark Kent/
Hell sent, dead set on bustin you open and filling your head/
Bet you were hopin you wouldn't be fighting the living dead/
The MC contaminating your skull with my alphabetical rigor mortis/
Cesar's spitting as slow as a tortoise/ (slow it down)

[fo'trill]

this thread needs to be moved

[hello there]

This shit started out really strong, and got strong again when you went for the second "verse" kinda thing.

But in between, it's like your style disintegrated in on itself. You gotta focus on having a solid structure in place to support your multies and your rhymes, or your flow will fall to shit.

Some people can pull off that crazy switching, lazy flow. But not most people. And it comes naturally, after a ton of work.

Keeping working at this shit, cuz you've got a pretty cool, strong foundation.

And this was a pretty cool piece - I like how it held the main idea the whole way through.

[NotaCoolMC]

This shit started out really strong, and got strong again when you went for the second "verse" kinda thing.

But in between, it's like your style disintegrated in on itself. You gotta focus on having a solid structure in place to support your multies and your rhymes, or your flow will fall to shit.

Some people can pull off that crazy switching, lazy flow. But not most people. And it comes naturally, after a ton of work.

Keeping working at this shit, cuz you've got a pretty cool, strong foundation.

And this was a pretty cool piece - I like how it held the main idea the whole way through.

Thank you for the advice, I did revise it shortly after I wrote it so I could make it flow better, tell me what you think

Finished


It's the boy holding a broken cordless/
Standing on the stage yelling loud in his mind and yet he remains voiceless/
Poises himself to sink his poison into the crowd/
His vocal chords vibrating he's starting to get loud but/
Words caught in his throat keep chokin him out/*pouting, the kid's shouting, dumbfounded and strained/
Stressed, brain caving, untrained,*
Ripping his membrane apart paining 'em/
Feigning confidence is hard when your going insane and your seeing stars, fumblin through the bars that remain/
He braces himself to enter the game, wipes his head off with his stained sweater/

Suddenly his flow is wetter, words start stickin' together/
Like balls in hot weather, heatin' up like grilled cheddar/
Noticeably better, the crowd starts to vibe, going hard like a barb through the heart Crikey/
Steve's poking this sleeping beast with a pike/
He's sick, green, Superman spittin' kryptonite on the mic/
In his mind, it's griping, the way he's fighting/
Trying to overcome the biggest fear in his life/
Stifling, climbing a mountain of this height/
Spittin riddles and cipher, systematically producing proverbs *like *he came from China/
An alien talking a foreign language they understand, his pen sketching verse for verse in your head/
A lyrical gun, curving bullets into your ears/
Taking a tour to the frontal lobe having a world premiere/
Then out through the other side hitting Angelina Jolie,a screw ball, straying/ It ricochets off of the wall, hits you in the spine, now you're sipping through a straw/
These metaphors, turned cynical physically unable to stand tall/
You've been mauled,suddenly it goes white/
The doctors sterilized the mic/ realizes you're paralyzed, starts Surgery like/*
I'm losing him! Someone check his windpipe/ 
The syllables must have lodged themselves Deep, they've started to seep/
Like a bite from this poisonous sidewinder/
Leaving you like a mime, silent, now lets rewind cuz/

I just let you into my mind/
My thinker is on the fritz and I can't seem to produce a line/ 
that let's me introduce myself I'm brain dead/
Just call me a deceased Clark Kent instead/
Hell sent, dead set on bustin you open and filling your head/
Bet you weren't planning on eaves dropping on the living dead/
The MC contaminating your skull with my alphabetical rigor mortis/
Cesar's flow startin to slow down like a tortoise/