from the depths within

[Herculean]

I'm back with a hunger, n i'm out for revenge
ruptured earths surface, crept into its depth
seen men who were ancient, had values of myth
women of beauty, of whom my eyes were affixed
they were gods among men of this im convinced
they poured in the thousands, from thee abyss
to inhabit our world disguised as real people
i feel rage and fury is the form of this evil
now dispursed to the surface very strategical
they emmersed with a curse carried by menials
to see people suffer, more than it's feasable
holdin lethal forces described as unspeakable
time to do something meaningful, gotta revolt
arose from the hole, searching, feeling alone
screaming out warnings, please dont be coaxed
into believing a lie from within lies no hope
right at that second i was quickly approached
i'm ready to fight, friend or foe unbeknownst
he said his names joe, he was send to protect
the human race from demons who plan to infect
from infant to elderly, we are just a project
of a superior galaxy, with superior intellect
i injected my thoughts, i must greatly object
so i planted a bomb, that they couldnt detect
in the heart of their base, tucked away tight
no ones takin my world without seeing a fight
my excitement grew , as i headed toward light
set to ignite the bomb in the middle of night
the explosion occured, firey bodies flew high
then i awoke from my dream, sat up and sighed..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...146/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...047/index.html

[P. Mortuus]

The flow changed up a little on the 7th line and the transition from one rhyme to the next wasn't as smooth as it could have been. The rhymes got a little simplistic at points but not in an entirely negative light I guess. Some of the words used seemed a little odd and the line breaks weren't smooth. I wasn't a fan of the ending as dreams are too cliche and really need to be executed in a way to impact the reader, it didn't this time but keep at it.

[Extinctor Draconis]

READ the rules and the feedback thread

[prince_melanie]

the rhymes were predictable not tht it matters much but then the tone was kinnda preachy and the writing was really basic so yea i wasnt really interested