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Thread: Serenity Visited...

  1. #1
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Serenity Visited...

    Like the sun fading across the horizon
    My hands extend across that, which I desire.
    Your beauty in hues of orange and yellow
    Seep across the plain calm that is my see.
    Yet piece full I am full of pieces puzzled
    In paused amazement at the contrasting skyline.
    I abide by tonight, in your tide I drown in plight
    Of stretches that never seem to dry out in summer.
    Elastic in my ways so go ahead electrify me
    I am conducting to survey your body’s landscape.
    So I would ask the sun to stop shining for a bit
    And our shadows will touch in hues of orangey yellows…



    Gazing as the dolphins perform,
    the honeydew colour in each wave.
    Watching from my sand castle,
    listening to the psalm of mermaids.
    Relaxed by the ocean's instruments,
    crabs clicking among the sandy rocks.
    Moved by the posture of the sun,
    as it's beauty sprinkles across the docks.
    Eyes closed tightly, toes dipped in the sea,
    everythings as beautiful as my wildest dreams.

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  2. #2
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Serenity Visited...

    This was a awesome read very simple very existent with content and very very emotional yet still flexed with great word choice. Art I feel your punctuation beside the story and content could do a little more.... Cause those commas and semi-colons and exclamations make a huge difference so I suggest to take advantage of it. The flow though through your stanza is breezy man. Also lost I see your gettin more abstracting as well man and I'm glad because you get to be more detail creative man props on this verse here short yet sweet and very full of flavor man cliche lines but refreshing wording nice

    Props on this guys

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  3. #3
    Soule
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    Re: Serenity Visited...

    bump.

  4. #4
    Halleluja Soul Slayer's Avatar
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    Re: Serenity Visited...

    Gentlemen, i really enjoyed this. I don't right about nature anymore, well as much I i used. From time it's great to see poems like this that really describe how a picture and the narrators' feeling towards an image or how they can interpret that particular piece of art; painting warm images that we all can relate to at a universal level. This was packed with images and dense emotion especially in the first stanza. You styles meshed well together and it was hard to pick up an errors in transitions. Refreshing read gents, well done

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...383/index.html

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  5. #5
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Re: Serenity Visited...

    thanks soul wil RTF

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