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Thread: The Game Show

  1. #1
    - Retired - #PrimeTime's Avatar
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    Cool The Game Show

    Okay so To some of you this maybe the most corniest Open Mic piece you've ever read, but I put some thoughts into this...

    Picture a game show, like an interview, where the host talks about the every step of my life, and me the person being interviewed...

    (Paragraphs in italicized font is words spoken by the game show host, un-italicized font is my response)

    Welcome to the Show! Today we look at Jeffry’s life and how he is pathetic,
    We’ll embarrass him and make sure that this is something he won’t forget,

    Lets start from the Beginning,

    Jeff…you were born in Detroit, then moved when you were 5,
    Were the streets too tough for you to stay alive?
    You were the Bully, teachers had your parents for conferences for your behavior,
    When they’d leave, the teachers yelled, we hope never to see you later,
    How’d that make you feel being such an asshole to your classmates being corrupt?
    Things seemed to get better when you moved - so you thought.



    First off, I wasn’t a bully, I had to stand my ground and it wasn’t easy,
    I didn’t care if I made any friends in kindergarten, I didn’t care if people pleased me,
    I was 5, like I was mature enough to realize that? No, didn’t think so,
    Stretched my teachers patience, like I stretched their over-looking wrinkles,
    Moving wasn’t easy, It took a toll on me, losing the city that I knew,
    How would it make you feel, if all the teachers despised you?

    Now Jeff, I see you are getting a little emotional, no need for that here,
    Grew up in Milwaukee, hung around the wrong people, how’d that make you feel?
    Barely got into middle school with that aweful GPA,
    You got into so much trouble how’d that make you feel standing in front of the schools PTA?
    Haha we all mistakes Jeff, that’s obvious to see, but you are a joke, pathetic loser
    Middle school is where people set apart from the pack, but you hung around emos and drug abusers



    Wait just a minute there, takin open shots at me,
    If I’m being judged, you are the enemy,
    GPA? I did just fine, thanks you for your input though.
    Yes, we all make mistakes, my heart is big, but your makin it cold,
    Drug abusers? I knew them sinced I moved from Michigan to Wisconsin,
    State the facts right, do you even know what these words you say as you keep talkin?


    Well Done Jeff, you defend yourself well.
    Like the way you did with your boy, Terrance, but he’s sitting behind a prison cell,
    Yes you remember it don’t you? He robbed a convenience store, and you were the spotter,
    You couldn’t work your way out of it with the police, like failed magic from harry potter,
    Or when Terrance’s mom died, where were you at his moms funeral? Nowhere to be found,
    You lost his trust, and hes fallen to the ground


    Terrance was my guy we both made it through high school together,
    We were Kobe and Shaq, we thought we would make it forever,
    When Times got hard, we would find away out,
    Broken dreams couldn’t separate us apart,
    Terrance went through a tough stretch - I’ll give you that, but don’t twist it,
    Every Saturday I go see Terrence and make sure its him I visit.


    Well Jeff, its good to see you can defend your friends, but what about Amanda?
    You told her after sophomore year to go play in traffic, when she moved to Atlanta,
    For being a honest guy, that’s some really harsh words,
    Bet she didn’t like being on the opposite side of that text when she read it for sure,


    Amanda was a traitor and you know that’s true, she used to be my girl
    She was a hoe, a bitch and I couldn’t stand the site of her,
    It was her that I truly despised,
    I couldn’t stand the look of her overwelling fake eyes,
    How about erica? Me and her talk to this day, bet you forgot that
    Amanda was what erica is not, a true friend, a personal outlet,
    High school was rough ill give you that much,
    I never took the easy way out of life, never took a short cut.
    You can sit here and tell me all my faults ive had throughout my entire life,
    I maybe not perfect, but im as good as I am in my sight,
    After high school I moved to Memphis, to go to college, that’s where im at to this day,
    I try to do the best I can, no matter what people say,
    I’m just another person that lives on this planet,
    Obviously this isn’t the life that I thought it would be, but I didn’t plan it,
    Im making the best of it, the best that I can,
    Beat me all you want, this is the life but I know you can’t understand..



    Feedback is appreciated.

    Links:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=452032
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=452019
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=452036

  2. #2
     Murder The Mainstream Nohbody's Avatar
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    Re: The Game Show

    it may just be me, but the lines seem really stretched. .

    but otherwise. . . i do like the concept, the execution was good/average, and the story was interesting. I remember going through my bully stage as well. . didnt kick in until 7th grade or so for me though lol . .

    the biggest thing i get out of this is how people do tend to find the negative and try to interrogate you over it like they never did any dirt in their perfect lives lol . I walked away feeling like this is almost every conversation i have had with doubters and biggots, so on that level i can definately relate

    good shit man. . . keep the creativity alive. .

  3. #3
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    Re: The Game Show

    thanks man uppn

  4. #4
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    Re: The Game Show

    bump

  5. #5
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    Re: The Game Show

    I liked reading this. It wasn't about flow or any of the usual stuff, it was about reading a great story. This was the most interesting piece iv read on this site. Good job.

  6. #6
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    Re: The Game Show

    appreciate the feed, uppin

  7. #7
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    Re: The Game Show

    ok jeff...ive been meaning to reda this just got a lil buzy...muzik, money, family...all that shit...anyway lets jump into this...

    first off...dope concept...but a game show?...nah more like a Barbara Walters piece...or like that CHARLIE SHEEN interview...see they attack u for personal information with personal information...so game show might not be really what u meant...but thats just my opinion...

    ok breakdown time...i wont do it every 2 lines...ill go in paragraphs since u kept this pretty short...

    Jeff…you were born in Detroit, then moved when you were 5,
    Were the streets too tough for you to stay alive?
    You were the Bully, teachers had your parents for conferences for your behavior,
    When they’d leave, the teachers yelled, we hope never to see you later,
    How’d that make you feel being such an asshole to your classmates being corrupt?
    Things seemed to get better when you moved - so you thought.

    ok this was a great opener...ur name, age, where u live, all that was good...n then they start attackin u right off tha bat...n makin insinuations...felt that...ok so tha lines were ok...first 2 were best...started this piece off well...tha rest needed better wording...ur flow was nice...metaphors were absent...n anything really worth mentioning wasnt really there...but u said on ur concept n did that very well...

    First off, I wasn’t a bully, I had to stand my ground and it wasn’t easy,
    I didn’t care if I made any friends in kindergarten, I didn’t care if people pleased me,
    I was 5, like I was mature enough to realize that? No, didn’t think so,
    Stretched my teachers patience, like I stretched their over-looking wrinkles,
    Moving wasn’t easy, It took a toll on me, losing the city that I knew,
    How would it make you feel, if all the teachers despised you?

    this was much better...ur rebuttal to their accusations was nice...metaphors were a lil weak...wording was a lil better...tha concept was very well carried...n tha flow was good...i think that this was better than ur first paragraph...seemed to be written with more detail in mind as well...good job

    Now Jeff, I see you are getting a little emotional, no need for that here,
    Grew up in Milwaukee, hung around the wrong people, how’d that make you feel?
    Barely got into middle school with that aweful GPA,
    You got into so much trouble how’d that make you feel standing in front of the schools PTA?
    Haha we all mistakes Jeff, that’s obvious to see, but you are a joke, pathetic loser
    Middle school is where people set apart from the pack, but you hung around emos and drug abusers

    this was cool...more wild accusations...some well worded lines...some nice concepts to really add to your concept...i liked this part...good flow as well...

    Wait just a minute there, takin open shots at me,
    If I’m being judged, you are the enemy,
    GPA? I did just fine, thanks you for your input though.
    Yes, we all make mistakes, my heart is big, but your makin it cold,
    Drug abusers? I knew them sinced I moved from Michigan to Wisconsin,
    State the facts right, do you even know what these words you say as you keep talkin?

    ok first one that was eh...it wasnt cuz u didnt stay on concept or that u lacked with good concepts...but ur wording was lackin as were ur metaphors...n ur last line which shud always end strong felt so weak...just saying...not too bad tho...

    Well Done Jeff, you defend yourself well.
    Like the way you did with your boy, Terrance, but he’s sitting behind a prison cell,
    Yes you remember it don’t you? He robbed a convenience store, and you were the spotter,
    You couldn’t work your way out of it with the police, like failed magic from harry potter,
    Or when Terrance’s mom died, where were you at his moms funeral? Nowhere to be found,
    You lost his trust, and hes fallen to the ground

    ok this was good...great concepts to add...great job on flow n stayin on ur concept...only thing lackin was WORDING...thats all tha bad i can say...i wish u wud say things a lil more clever/better...other than that it was good...

    Terrance was my guy we both made it through high school together,
    We were Kobe and Shaq, we thought we would make it forever,
    When Times got hard, we would find away out,
    Broken dreams couldn’t separate us apart,
    Terrance went through a tough stretch - I’ll give you that, but don’t twist it,
    Every Saturday I go see Terrence and make sure its him I visit.

    this was good...pretty much all i can say is WORDING...ur last line cuda been worded alot better...ur flow confused me on tha middle line...tha metaphors were ok in this n u did hit ur concept well...just wording skills need to be upped...good stuff

    Well Jeff, its good to see you can defend your friends, but what about Amanda?
    You told her after sophomore year to go play in traffic, when she moved to Atlanta,
    For being a honest guy, that’s some really harsh words,
    Bet she didn’t like being on the opposite side of that text when she read it for sure,

    this was cool...some more personal shit...its like learning bout u as i read...kinda cool...flow was good...a lil short but eh...can feel some emotion on this part...i think ur last line cud have been worded a lil better tho...

    Amanda was a traitor and you know that’s true, she used to be my girl
    She was a hoe, a bitch and I couldn’t stand the site of her,
    It was her that I truly despised,
    I couldn’t stand the look of her overwelling fake eyes,
    How about erica? Me and her talk to this day, bet you forgot that
    Amanda was what erica is not, a true friend, a personal outlet,
    High school was rough ill give you that much,
    I never took the easy way out of life, never took a short cut.
    You can sit here and tell me all my faults ive had throughout my entire life,
    I maybe not perfect, but im as good as I am in my sight,
    After high school I moved to Memphis, to go to college, that’s where im at to this day,
    I try to do the best I can, no matter what people say,
    I’m just another person that lives on this planet,
    Obviously this isn’t the life that I thought it would be, but I didn’t plan it,
    Im making the best of it, the best that I can,
    Beat me all you want, this is the life but I know you can’t understand..

    ok well u kinda got way emotional on this...seeing how even tho ur concept wasnt truly over...announcer didnt end this...or say anything bout an ending question...u took it upon urself to do that...kinda took over this concept entirely actually...lol...so this was good...liked tha flow...good personal shit...good metaphors...pretty good wording...just felt like u said STOP...n that was it...u shuda kept going to finish ur ending on this...wuda came out alot better i think...

    this is just honest to GOD feedback...i wud like to help u with ur wording...hit me up whenever n we can write n all that...i did enjoy readin this...keep on writing that shit mayn!
    Last edited by Well Versed; June 8th, 2011 at 01:32 PM
    I cannot list all of my best lines inside this signature
    because they number in the tens of thousands.


  8. #8
    I am in all things Well Versed's Avatar
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    Re: The Game Show

    dammit double
    Last edited by Well Versed; June 8th, 2011 at 01:28 PM
    I cannot list all of my best lines inside this signature
    because they number in the tens of thousands.


  9. #9
    Expression Is Everything XM's Avatar
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    Re: The Game Show

    Technically unsound, lines were stretched, vocabulary was basic, imagry was okish, emotion was dull, rhyme scheme was...well below average actually...it's a basic abab text style, some more internal rhyming would have brighten the piece vocabulary, I'm not saying it's the most terrible piece i've read i'm just saying for you to claim it to be the best piece on RB...

    ...is quite rediculous, however it's not bad I can see the potential in it, if the wording was better in plenty places, a stronger vocabulary expands your imagry and emotional output and a more focused structure this piece could have been fresh..

    ..*shrugs* take it how you want, elevation is a must keep writing tho

    PS: the ending was aweful.

    -XM
    Where the fuck was I fore they found me?
    Floatn in a meadow, dragonflies all around me
    Seeded in a ghetto, smokin cigarellos
    Stress oceans try to drown me
    Walking on water like when Christ did, glidin
    Mic in my plam like the trident in the hand of Poseidon

  10. #10

    Re: The Game Show

    I'll get straight to the point... I didn't like it.

    You're rappin about how you truly feel, and that's good. That's real good. But the structure in this peice was, well, less than decent. I didn't like the flow of it either, other than the fact that it rhymed. This definately was not "Best Open Mic Piece on RB!" by any means. No hate though, you're droppin what you feel, and I think that's important. As long as you keep it real, it don't matter if your raps sound like garbage, you're still gonna get respect regardless. So keep rappin homie. One.

  11. #11
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    The Game Show

    I think the topic was creative, tbh.

    That was the best part about this piece. Flow was, Eh, in spots but it was ok. Some of the wording seemed a bit... Elementary, if you will.

    I see the potential in this but wordi g and rhymes scheme are what hurt this. Keep at man... I like the originality
    DayumNation

  12. #12
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    Re: The Game Show

    fml. upp..

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