I Can Kick Cans (Can I Kick It?)

[ShortTermProphet]

when my rusty throat spits the dust up choking
they thought to ask me where i get all of these fucked up notions

should know better
id make a good go getter
this river'd hold dinner
if the fish flowed quicker
but if the fist holds silver
the palm grabs a forty
your call is important
we will handle it shortly
the door bleeds
sure we can paint it red
i implore please deport me
united we fled

but who brings the break beats?
this guy.
and each time the face speaks
it lies.

who brings the break beats?
this guy.
and each time the face speaks
it lies.

who brings the break beats?
you know him.
that wild eyed little weirdo
who divided by zero

i'm the poor man's version of a poor ass person
i'm a poor sport believe me but at least i'm not cheating
at least when it counts i can carry the nine
head spins on the ground, shouting where is my mind

the pledge of allegiance
had led us to jesus
while the dead and the bleeding
were all fed to the demons

i got a head full of reasons
a reason to doubt
i've got debts and this weekend
to even them out
i'm asleep in the deep end
greet people with pretense
subliminal unconscious is filling up with nonsense
and i have no dreams to defend
introspective interventions intelope on my attention
bury reason beneath rhymes
mind closed for the weekend cant you read the sign?

who brings the break beats?
this guy.
and each time the face speaks
it lies.

oh who bring the bad news?
that dude
he said he'd burn down the old school
..told you.

and who brings the fake cheese?
the old if we run out we'll make more
i swear i thought she was eighteen
i'm serving her life plus eight more

only aristocrats are really getting served
didn't revolution used to be a verb?
maybe the movements a series of tshirts
but if are what you speak then you need to be heard

so can i kick it?
a fun rhyme or the ones responsible
can i stick with
my guns might be that such isn't possible
my future was neutered
i'm cooped up in sutures
i tutored the troops but they'd stooped to a stupor
I told em:

the planet's your sandwich if you can manage your damage
so ravage the canvas with black fits of madness
when the paint dries the rain fries the whole world as it's warming
a warning to those fools asleep off the job:
I told you the gene pool's only as deep as your thoughts.



(constructive criticism appreciated and returned tenfold....please save destructive criticism for the battles. Oh, and, uh, wesside or whatever)

[PyroMania]

eh wasnt feeling it so much. could have had better concepts..etc.

[ShortTermProphet]

I appreciate the feedback. Anyone with something a little meatier? I can't get better unless I know what I'm lacking, ''concepts' is an intersting concept but it's kinda vague.

[Nohbody]

iight. . I truly think you have some skills to build off of, but alot to approve

The biggest problem is your format. if you structure your verses better the reader can sort out your verses and understand them better. remember, this isnt audio, we cant hear what your thinking. . so you have to show us

example:
should know better id make a good go getter
this river'd hold dinner if the fish flowed quicker
but if the fist holds silver the palm grabs a forty
your call is important we will handle it shortly
the door bleeds sure we can paint it red
i implore please deport me united we fled

. . much easier to read this way

Which brings us to the next problem . . . all in all, your bars are too short. Your essentially spitting 6 bar verses. . and if you intended to have any chorus in there, i cant make out where the actual verse stops and the hooks begin

biggest problem is the consistency with the flow. In text, the bars should be evenly matched, or at least, the syllables of each bar should match so then we read it there is fluidity to it.

Example:
i got a head full of reasons
a reason to doubt
i've got debts and this weekend
to even them out
i'm asleep in the deep end
greet people with pretense
subliminal unconscious is filling up with nonsense
and i have no dreams to defend
introspective interventions intelope on my attention
bury reason beneath rhymes
mind closed for the weekend cant you read the sign?

See how towards the end, the lines started stretching, and ended very inconsistent with the bar measures you started with? There is no way anyone could read that and catch the flow.

so anywho, for right now, just work on structure and flow. once you get that, you will have a better foundation to build from.

[ShortTermProphet]

awesome, thank you. The beat it goes to kind of picks up around the point i started writing the longer lines, but now that you mention it the bars on the whole song are really brief. I think in future songs i'm going to fix that. Greatly appreciated.

[Extinctor Draconis]

read the rules about feedback

[ShortTermProphet]

My bad. My awful, actually. What kind of a fuckhead just blithely wanders in and starts dumping everywhere without reading the rules?
That'd be me.
Patience, penance is coming.
Deeze arr doze:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...522/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...129/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...449/index.html

[Extinctor Draconis]

no problemo, man.

give me some time to feed this, because I enjoyed it

[143]

Truly reading this, you have a good base of what an open mic should be and how to come at one. Yeah, your structure took alot away from this and it's something that is expressive base but the bottom line is to get people to relate so you have to come with a standard that people can read and flow to yet not giving up the flairs that you possess. The thing of it all is that the storytelling in this was great and easy to follow, so you got the jist of it just work on structure then you are fine.