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Thread: 16 bars

  1. #16
    I am in all things Well Versed's Avatar
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    Re: 16 bars

    ok so im mailny feedin this becuz i dont like u...so lets see what u got here...

    try to live my life in the shadow of my eyes
    you'll soon realize it's hard when you get criticize


    (ok good start...im gettin an idea bout what this is about....)

    this ain't no lie, the pain in my heart
    could tare my whole body apart that would leave a mark


    (i like this...but not tha very last bit on line two...but this was well worded...)

    I don't swim with sharks, I'm a damn prey
    I shake when I take a chance, must be another way


    (a lil played...but ur metaphor shined thru...2nd line was best...good flow)

    to join with the greats, and make a change
    and build it in my brain so I can feel the same


    (lol i def get this...good flow n wording...)

    the all powerful, the hours of configuration
    sense of anticipation knowledge information


    (nice flow...good wording...i like these lines...)

    the crater of humanity upon each of my shoulder (s)?
    each time I spit the desert froze like polar


    (not too bad...not too great...but it was decent)

    I swear each bar gets colder, like a lonely road
    the devil's on to me, this is my last note


    (not bad...eh ur flow threw me...but its w/e...)

    each chord in my throat shrinks when I spit
    I once took a trip and got lost upon it's rift


    (ok...this was good...wording was nice...metaphor a lil hidden...but eh)

    fuck bitches and assholes I run upon it solo
    I've been a victim of hell, how to bring in hope


    (hmmmmmm yeah i get it...not bad...)

    how to bring in hope when your a dying soul
    looking for gold but everything froze in the cold


    (kinda emotional there buddy...but i like it...good flow n wording)

    look at history it's misery at it's finest
    to define this, replace a plus with a minus


    (dope...this was dope...great everything)

    and sign this, knowing that it's the chance you take
    hopefully to make it or break it, this is fate


    (u cuda said THIS IS YOUR FAKE...rounded it out a bit more...but this was def good...like ur wording...)

    each step you take brings you closser to paradise
    each pair of dice I promiss has it share of lies


    (again u cuda say ...A SHARE OF LINES...idk if u speak english first so im just lettin u know...no hate...dope shit here...)

    you can't win each gamble with a rhyme in mind
    it takes a lot of time, and each word to be define


    (def dope...true shit...well worded...nice flow...)

    and building my vocabulary one word at a time
    each word of a genius would have a ladder to climb


    (not bad...i get it...good wording n flow...)

    to define knowledge would be to break boundaries
    I'm a wordsmith, the greatest of all artistry


    (nice...def loved tha ending...well done...)

    ok so this was pretty dope...tha beginning was a lil rough...not ur best stuff....but that last 2/3s was pretty dam solid...def enjoyed reading this...n see even if i hate u ill always speak tha truth...good shit bruh....keep on writing!
    Last edited by Well Versed; May 23rd, 2011 at 01:50 PM
    I cannot list all of my best lines inside this signature
    because they number in the tens of thousands.


  2. #17
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    Re: 16 bars

    ^^ so what would get you to hate me??....

  3. #18
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: 16 bars

    upp

  4. #19
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: 16 bars

    this is my absolute last up I promise.... only because I really like this and want other people to read it.... hopefully feed it too....

  5. #20
    King of Content Malice's Avatar
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    Re: 16 bars

    i definitely see the attempt in this to up the rhyme scheme, it still has some kinks but its a big step towards making an improvement, one the best things you can do is read it out loud so you can actually hear how it flows together, it will help the flow of it alot more, content was pretty decent, i suggest creating a story as the backdrop to the message, it really adds depth to the piece as a whole

    keep up man


    "Ready? go! sat where the old cardboard city folk
    swap tales with heads like every other penny throw"


  6. #21
    Sliced bread.
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    Re: 16 bars

    Ok the multi usage was good and the flow was nice, but I had there was one problem that kept popping up for me. Sense. Some of it was like you forced a word to rhyme with something and it doesn't make much sense...

    For instance, I may be wrong.


    I don't swim with sharks, I'm a damn prey
    I shake when I take a chance, must be another way

    Surely its predator not prey? shake when you take a chance at what?


    "could tare my whole body apart that would leave a mark"

    If your body is torn apart, there is no body to leave a mark on...





    There is more lines with similar problems. But its nothing to bad to ruin the piece, it was still an OK read, just when your writing make sure what your writing is FULLY applicable.

  7. #22
    You've Earned a Custom Title! SenecaHaze's Avatar
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    Re: 16 bars

    ok this piece had really good flow to it. however some lines came off basic and also i was having trouble seeing exactly what your concept or purpose behind this piece was.Amidst all that tho there were some really great lines.

    look at history it's misery at it's finest
    to define this, replace a plus with a minus
    loved this one

    o define knowledge would be to break boundaries
    I'm a wordsmith, the greatest of all artistry
    very nice ending.

    it seemed like it was mostly on point throughout as far as a basic flow would go. some shining lines but others fell short as far as flow and rhyme.

    I don't swim with sharks, I'm a damn prey
    I shake when I take a chance, must be another way
    like this one was basic rhyme.. i get what your saying but could have been condensed or better words chosen.The idea behind the line was good but didnt come through like it could have.

    Also i am a fan of multis and the bars that you used them were especially better than the ones you didnt.

    Anyway i still enjoyed this read. I think it could have been amazing though... good drop.

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