Another quick short sad story

[mtv5858]

Back in 2009,
when i used to date a girl extra fine,
first conversation ran chills up my spine,
she had the nicest ass,
you couldn't not stare when she walked pass,
right in the middle of class,
if we we're in science id wanna measure its mass,
we started dating back in christmas time,
back when i didn't know one single rythme,
she gave the first sign,
this relation ship was gunna last,
our love was a vast,
the months went on,
many girls came along but i picked none,
but that one,
hott as the sun, i dont mean to spit no corny ass pun,
but she would make my heart ignite,
and my brain would take flight, despite,
the fact that i felt us getting seperat(d)ed,
and our love faded,
to others i felt the need to be aided,
when three days before i left,
you turned into a theft,
because you stole my heart,
and ripped it apart,
i didn't want no drama to start,
so i stayed quite until i would depart,
to 1000 miles away,
but i would go any way,
just to spend another day,
with you,
and keep you all to myself i feel like a jew,
NOT DONE

[Scar]

Not bad at all dude. But feels like too me like a rough draft, not a completed version. Keep this concept, and build on it. Look into your rhymes and see if there's something you could have added, or missed on it. Really revise and perfect it. It's a diamond in the ruff main. Polish that shit up.

Nice drop either way bro.

[Esc0BosS]

you turned into a theft

and keep you all to myself i feel like a jew

awwh maaaan...im lost for words lmmfao got damn!!!

my advice, let this die and try again fuck if its unfinished...and next time actually try putting some muthafuking effort in, you niggaz script bullshit and expect not to get told what it is...

and jaded...shut the fuck up with your cliche bullshit smh, diamond in the ruff...lol #1

[#PrimeTime]

This piece was way too basic in my opinion.

lemme help you out

when i used to date a girl extra fine,
first conversation ran chills up my spine,
she had the nicest ass,
you couldn't not stare when she walked pass,
right in the middle of class,

in stead of that^, try somethin like this:

i used to date this girl who was extra fine,
our first conversation ran chills up my spine,
applebottom, yeah she had the nicest ass,
you couldn't stop starin when she walked pass,
the spotlight was always on her, she sat right in the middle of class,

i didn't want no drama to start,
so i stayed quite until i would depart,
to 1000 miles away,
but i would go any way,
just to spend another day,
with you,
and keep you all to myself i feel like a jew

,

^This also wasn't that bad, just lacked structure...Heres a suggestion...

I feared because i didn't want any drama to start,
I stayed true to you until that time that i would depart,
No matter how far, 1000 miles away,
but no matter what i would go any way,
just to spend more time for another day,
yeah another day, just to be with you,
Because this isn't a dream this is reality and its true.

See i tried but i tried to make the bars and lines as even as possible, this keeps your flow goin smooth and not make it choppy. you got work to do son, but keep your head up and keep writing you got potential