The Street Alley

[#PrimeTime]

He remembers it all, even with a hungover state of mind
When Lil' C came home from fightin on the front lines
Randy, his bro with celebrity status came and went through the years,
Seein' Frowned Faces, with mothers grieving with faces filled with tears
Robert runs from the cops, and Kenny lost his life,
Not only his life, but his 2 kids and his pregnant wife,
He remembers it all, sobers up and hits the bottom of reality,
Gun shots from bad drug deals can be heard echoing through the balcony
All the bright days are gone, its all dark throughout his days,
Always looked up to so many people he'd give them praise,
10 years later, those people are now locked up in prison,
Life in the Alley? No, this is clearly what he didn't envision,
Randy, who used to be somebody, never made it big,
now works below minimum wage, blows it all on alcohol and sigs,
Lil C and I were tight, he was only a few years older than me,
Diagnosed with PTSD, now sees everyone as his enemy,
Robert and I used to be the real deal, we always got the girls,
Used to think life in the alley used to be a normal world,
Robert got caught up with the wrong crowd, started dealin
Different woman every night, his girlfriend caught him cheatin
Lost all his jobs, so he started to make his life by stealin
I pray to God this will all end, as I look up from the altar kneeling,
Kenny got caught up with guns and the wrong group,
He was my very best friend i never thought id lose,
I keep prayin, I miss them so much, I miss them badly,
This is the untold story...of livin in the alley...



Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=450576
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=450481
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=450550

[#PrimeTime]

upp

[Joe Boston]

Now im really feeling this storyline right here. I like the way u expressed how u felt from the expeience and the memories u had if u could change back u would. this i can really relate too. good drop keep writing 1

[#PrimeTime]

uppin

[#PrimeTime]

uppin.... nominate this

[FlowOrNo]

Good stuff,this is real,keep it up.

[#PrimeTime]

not proper feedback...

uppin

[Omnion]

i rly like this you did a rly good job telling a story and displaying how the events made you feel

[#PrimeTime]

thanks...

uppin

[celestial occurrence]

it sounds like a personal peice they always go far

[#PrimeTime]

uppin.

[Lethal Imagery]

Well, the story was good. But this piece definitely needed better wording. Syllable count was very unsteady, that could be worked on, try to keep your lines the same length.
You definitely like writing lengthy lines, which isn't a problem at all. But, if you're going to do that, you should really have multies, dude. Gotta have more than just end rhymes, especially with such long lines.
Without multies, this piece, to most readers, will come off a boring, and you'll probably get a lot of sleepers like you are right now.

Also, noticed a lot of stretched rhymes, for example:
"Robert got caught up with the wrong crowd, started dealin
Different woman every night, his girlfriend caught him cheatin"
Just cause dealin and cheatin have 'ea' in them, doesn't mean they rhyme. Say them out loud, does that sound like a rhyme to you? Unless you got some fucked up speech impediment those two words don't rhyme.
Not tryin to diss you, just tryin to help you out, so don't take it the wrong way.

All in all, work on multies, syllable count, and not stretching rhymes... I hate when people do that >_>.
Well, dude, keep on writing, and try to elevate. Peace.

And hit up my piece if you want,
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...752/index.html

[#PrimeTime]

^ THIS People, IS PROPER FEEDBACK! Uppin

btw thanks for the feedback man, appreciate it much

[Well Versed]

i wanted to see how good u were since u said u liked my shit so much...but dude this was DOPE...i dont dick ride n i always speak tha truth...so lets get too it...

He remembers it all, even with a hungover state of mind
When Lil' C came home from fightin on the front lines

(ok one thing that threw me was u just kinda started it up...no real opener...kinda dived into it...but eh it was cool)

Randy, his bro with celebrity status came and went through the years,
Seein' Frowned Faces, with mothers grieving with faces filled with tears

(starting too get tha story already...not bad emotion here...ok wording)

Robert runs from the cops, and Kenny lost his life,
Not only his life, but his 2 kids and his pregnant wife,

(ok felt this...sad shit...short n simple with good flow...)

He remembers it all, sobers up and hits the bottom of reality,
Gun shots from bad drug deals can be heard echoing through the balcony

(love how u said this...great wording...nice flow...just good imagery...)

All the bright days are gone, its all dark throughout his days,
Always looked up to so many people he'd give them praise,

(not bad...decent metaphor...2nd line was a lil weird tho...didnt quite get it...)

10 years later, those people are now locked up in prison,
Life in the Alley? No, this is clearly what he didn't envision,

(nice flow...good wording...i think ur 2nd line cud said this...THIS IS CLEARLY NOT WHAT HE ENVISIONED..u can swagg ur words a lil...plus this is past tense right?...but its w/e)

Randy, who used to be somebody, never made it big,
now works below minimum wage, blows it all on alcohol and sigs,

(good flow...first line felt a lil dull...2nd line was dope...i think u meant to say CIGS*)

Lil C and I were tight, he was only a few years older than me,
Diagnosed with PTSD, now sees everyone as his enemy,

(ok wording...good story...good flow...not bad at all)

Robert and I used to be the real deal, we always got the girls,
Used to think life in the alley used to be a normal world,

(a lil more backtrackin is always nice in a story...helps u better relate...n or feel more for ur characters in this...good flow...enjoyed these)

Robert got caught up with the wrong crowd, started dealin
Different woman every night, his girlfriend caught him cheatin

(u not rhyming thru me off just a lil...but eh it works...not bad wording...good shit)


Lost all his jobs, so he started to make his life by stealin
I pray to God this will all end, as I look up from the altar kneeling,

(def enjoyed...much emotion here...felt tha flow....good wording...just like these lines alot)

Kenny got caught up with guns and the wrong group,
He was my very best friend i never thought id lose,

(these were nice...starting to wrap up these stories...friends died...friends n jail...all these short stories coming to an end...def felt...sad n u express it well...)

I keep prayin, I miss them so much, I miss them badly,
This is the untold story...of livin in the alley...

(a nice lil closer...pretty much sums it up...not bad at all...short n sweet n to tha point...not bad wording n flow...)

so...this was def DOPE...not so much that it was over complicated or anything but just becuz how easy it is to flow n enjoy...this cud be turned into audio if u tweak ur lines a lil...anyway i think if u keep workin on ur vocab...wording...n concepts...u can def be dope!...good shit mayn keep on writing!

[N.F.M.]

Not bad, pretty good drop. You were able to tell a story with rhymes, so I thought that was pretty cool. I don't really have anything negative to say. Keep rappin.