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Thread: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

  1. #1
    Threat Level Midnight Tim's Avatar
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    Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    Love's a Beast
    (Tim,bobericc.,oatmeal.,Cry)

    Your trust soon lies in order of pain, bliss, and misfortune
    As rain falls to my wounds I shall pay no quarter for coercion
    A dime flipped into the moonlit wilderness of today
    Only as the vein slithers once grass touches grain
    During that spoken node of poverty where butterflies flew
    There was a sole purpose that personified what you knew
    Held under the chamber where your heart beats imperfectly
    Cold frequent beats pumped at the inertia you leave
    When I carried her in my arms she kissed me on the throat
    She tried to Aim for my lips but her neck broke..

    I found her in the water, I was lounging 'fore I'd spot her
    wasn't awake, I start lunging and shake, pouting like a monster
    my love is a prison, and her heart whispers pure
    but my current condition needs more than a kiss to cure
    I could tell though, she couldn't work her breath
    the unsaid sorry's of dead bodies in the murky depths
    trapped dividual, she should look past the physical
    we are connected, secrets dissected, masked the typical
    looking like a science project to a disgraced third grade
    but a hot bestiality, when the prince rapes mermaids

    this fairy tale is fairly frail, a voyage with no air in the sail
    she shoveled through my darkest weight and let me carry the pale
    she knows the area well, my scars are ribbons she wears as a cell
    holding my errors on shelves, they're a pittance she's careful to sell
    what a princess! the heiress of hell equipped with charm that's hard to decline
    and once she sowed her wounds shut, she started harvesting mine
    so my weakness became hers, she was an artist, a martyr of mime
    her throat severed at the jugular--halfway between her heart and her mind
    no love can go unpunished, it's a stable the grave demands
    you can plunder through the rummage but no one is able to save the damned

    as you've taken the bravest plan, replace it with a fragrance that
    existed in a myth that was envisioned by the greatest man!
    savor her complacent past, take it in a grain of sand...
    and if she starts to lay a finger - then break away her favorite hand.
    give her what a favor can't... 'cause pain comes with the love
    place a fist beneath her chin, she can say it was a crutch -
    or she can say she was beloved... held in high regard,
    it's a love that's hard to swallow but still felt behind the heart
    she tells me I'm in charge - right up 'til nothing is left, and
    it's worse never to hear it back when I say I love her to death.

  2. #2
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    Really good drop love the story line ur rhyme pattern had me interested from beginning to end. it was also very creative.

    i liked the third verse alot great vocabulary usage and creative lines

    also the 1st verse had me real interested to see how the rest of ur piece was gonna go.

    I could really listen to this recorded i love the moral behind it and just the overall story.

  3. #3
    Nation Lumbee's Avatar
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    Ok.

    1st Verse- I liked this, emotion is on point here. very nice articulation and imagery although, the last line caught me off guard.. it's a bit dark, but keeps my interest and doesnt detour me from reading the others verses.. good job.

    2nd Verse-Ok, i think i'm starting to like this piece because it's coming together gradually with each line.. this verse is the deeper delve into the concept. i actually feel like i'm following along in a story, good job at keeping it humorous too.

    3rd Verse-"Once she sowed her wounds shut, she started harvesting mine". like that line, nice flow, very imaginative, good syllable usage. nice work.

    4th Verse- Nice flow, a little less vocab usage than the others but i like your style. excellent closer, that really helped make this piece.

    Overall i think this was dope, you guys were very literal in some ways about the comparison of love to a beast, and metaphorical in others which created some balance and the all of your styles brought something unique to the table. Good Read guys, thanks.

  4. #4
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    nice work gentlemen, I'll feed on some people shortly

  5. #5
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    dope

  6. #6
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    damn @ the feed on this bitch

  7. #7

    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    Feel bad for you guys... Nobody likes to read on these forums smh..
    Imma give you some feed in a little bit
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  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! PyroMania's Avatar
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    One Of The Best Callbo's To peep on Any Sites Stay Up

  9. #9

    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    Aight sorry this took me so long but I said I'd give you some feed and here it is.

    Tim:
    Solid verse, nice opener... But one thing I would've liked to have seen would be more multies. You had some here and there but it wasn't too frequent. Imagery was very nice as well as your vocab, so it made it an interesting read even without the multies. My favorite bar was your closer
    "When I carried her in my arms she kissed me on the throat
    She tried to Aim for my lips but her neck broke.."

    Proper way to end a verse, it's an ending, but also a beginning for the next verses to come. Enjoyable read, overall good job

    bobericc.:
    Well, nice opener, except for the "monster" part. I just didn't feel that it was a proper simile for pouting. Correct me if I'm misunderstood but I feel like you sacrificed content for rhyme here. But on the other hand, your rhyming was real nice, multies everywhere, made for a very enjoyable read. This is more my style verse because I'm a huge fan of rhymes, the more the merrier in my opinion.
    "looking like a science project to a disgraced third grade
    but a hot bestiality, when the prince rapes mermaids "

    Once again, nice closure here. Nice concept with a dope rhyme scheme sprinkled on top made for a nice verse.

    oatmeal.:
    In my opinion the best verse of the piece. Not only were there plenty of multies, but also he stayed on track with the storyline, which isn't easy to do.
    "her throat severed at the jugular--halfway between her heart and her mind"
    This line really stood out for me, I think I got goosebumps from reading it. The imagery to me was really vivid, and it was such a dope way to say the bitch got her throat cut, lmao. Once again, a verse that really fits my style with the multies, the content, and metaphors. Overall strong verse, enjoyable read, good job here .

    Cry:
    "as you've taken the bravest plan, replace it with a fragrance that
    existed in a myth that was envisioned by the greatest man!"

    Nice job with the multies here, but I didn't like that you were saying a fragrance is being envisioned, visualizing a fragrance doesn't sound possible to me lol. Maybe I'm just completely misunderstanding what you wrote, and if I am, my bad.
    Imo the next bar hit hard
    "savor her complacent past, take it in a grain of sand...
    and if she starts to lay a finger - then break away her favorite hand."

    Pretty dope metaphor to me, multies flowed real nice, made for a nice line.
    Then the closing bar, which I thought fit well and summed up the entire piece.
    "she tells me I'm in charge - right up 'til nothing is left, and
    it's worse never to hear it back when I say I love her to death."

    Yep... Pretty much sums it up. Good job here, ending pieces is always hard cause you wanna get that perfect ending, I think you accomplished it here.

    All in all, this was a nice collab, the four of you had different styles but it all fit together nicely.
    Good job

    RTF on my piece if you want, it'd be greatly appreciated.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...980/index.html
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  10. #10
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Love's a Beast : TNL Collab

    thanks dude.. and yeah it wasn't the "fragrance" being "envisioned" it was the "myth" mentioned about a second later lol.

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