Life

[#PrimeTime]

This is my 1st drop on the site

Sun rises on the horizon, birds chirpin', its 5 am
Tradgic events in my past makes me appreciate im alive, damn
Read texts that are all full of hate and open threats
My past is like a drug - im feelin the after affects
So many enemies...started as trash-talk, turned into heated rivalries
Its like ive been tempted to do wrong, everyone has misguided me,
People come, people go...thats how liife goes
livin life to the fullest, when will it be my time to go? no one knows
No matter what, people will always judge me
Cousins killed in Iraq, give me strength as they look down from above me
I know I got flaws, I'm nowhere near perfect,
Certain people you keep close makes livin worth it,
I get threats so serious that i stay up with my AR-15 ready,
Step foot on my driveway, ill pull the trigger, the result wont look pretty,
Pain is a hard concept to swallow, sometimes you'll choke,
I knew former friends that are in rehab for alcohol, drugs and coke,
Overcoming obstacles, but when its tough ill grasp it,
my life is like the energizer bunny - only ill outlast it.

feedback is greatly appreciated, thanks.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=449802
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=448538
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...770/index.html

[#PrimeTime]

uppin

[lostinlove]

My past is like a drug - im feelin the after affects

It would make more sense if it was like; “My past is like a drug, and I’m feelin nothing but the after effects”

Cousins killed in Iraq, give me strength as they look down from above me

If it was changed to; “Cousins killed in Iraq, give me strength, as they look down from above, smiling at me.”

To me, it's a bit short. I do feel it, it just needs some more length and it'll be popin. I've never had any family members go into Iraq, just friends families so I can't relate on that part.

[#PrimeTime]

thanks for the feed..

[#PrimeTime]

uppn

[Vinzr]

A nice emotional first person piece this is... flow was decent, vocab wasn't bad and the main message is conveyed through your emotion put into this. I would have liked to see more of a complex rhyming scheme or some multis thrown in there though. There's nothing much else to say really. Good job with this piece and I cannot wait to see your future stuff, keep writing and elevate.

[#PrimeTime]

A nice emotional first person piece this is... flow was decent, vocab wasn't bad and the main message is conveyed through your emotion put into this. I would have liked to see more of a complex rhyming scheme or some multis thrown in there though. There's nothing much else to say really. Good job with this piece and I cannot wait to see your future stuff, keep writing and elevate.

Thanks for the feed, appreciate it.

[N.F.M.]

Jefferson, this was hott right here. I like this verse a lot, homie. The title is what got my attention, and the first few lines sucked me in. I skimmed through the whole thing, and this is a great work of art right here. Keep it up, dude. ^_^

[Prophet Margin]

Well welcome to RB, i can tell you have atleast some prior experience with topicals though......this was decent

lemme give you some good feedback on this


Sun rises on the horizon, birds chirpin', its 5 am
Tradgic events in my past makes me appreciate im alive, damn

This was a decent opener, i like the way you worded it

Read texts that are all full of hate and open threats
My past is like a drug - im feelin the after affects

Simple but pretty solid. i can already see the direction youre tryna goSo many

enemies...started as trash-talk, turned into heated rivalries
Its like ive been tempted to do wrong, everyone has misguided me,

You stepped up your rhyme scheme a lil bit here. enemies is a slant rhyme to rivarlies and guided me. Woulda been dope if you threw in another rhyme at the beginning/middle of the second line. lol

People come, people go...thats how liife goes
livin life to the fullest, when will it be my time to go? no one knows

This coulda been improved alot using maybe some metaphors or just more effective description. this is a vanilla bar. also you let yourself get word repetitive using go 3 times.

No matter what, people will always judge me
Cousins killed in Iraq, give me strength as they look down from above me

flow was a tiny bit off here but i like this bar.

I know I got flaws, I'm nowhere near perfect,
Certain people you keep close makes livin worth it,

dope concept the bar coulda been constructed better but again i like this

I get threats so serious that i stay up with my AR-15 ready,
Step foot on my driveway, ill pull the trigger, the result wont look pretty,

ehh, this left me flat, coulda been better considering the content of the bar

Pain is a hard concept to swallow, sometimes you'll choke,
I knew former friends that are in rehab for alcohol, drugs and coke,

first line good, second ehh. decent bar.

Overcoming obstacles, but when its tough ill grasp it,
my life is like the energizer bunny - only ill outlast it.

Lol this was sick. The energizer bunny meta was a lil strange in a cynical type piece, but it actually seemed to fit here. def a good bar here.


What you Need

Lol i dont think i gotta give you too many tips youre on the right track, some room to elevate but you know wat youre doing

Step up Your Rhyme Schemes: Like i mentioned once in the breakdown. Add more rhymes within your bars instead of just using end rhymes. also throw in some internals and make sure that as many of your end rhymes as possible are multis.....will really make your rhyming impressive.

Count your Syllables: This is something alotta guys dont seem to know about. It will tighten up your flow like a motherfucker. Try to make sure that all your lines are between 11-15 syllables (cpl of yours were like 17) and do one of two things.

-Try to keep your syllable count consistent from line to line (i.e all your lines are 12 or 13 syllables, with no exceptions)

0R

-Keep the length of your 1st and second lines of each bar consistent (i.e 11 syll/15 syll....and the next bar 11/15 again.)

Vocab: You did have some, and idk maybe its not your style, but imo using big and descriptive words will really help your topical verses. Use them in the right way and they add flavor and description, as well as making complex rhyming easier to do.

As far as your wordplay and metas they were decent and im convinced that you know what youre doing in those areas.....maybe couldve added a few more good metas or creative wordplay here and there but its nothing that should be concerning

overall an ok drop, i know you can get a lil better and you prolly will.

just stay up man

[Prophet Margin]

rtf

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...var=&p=8073072

[#PrimeTime]

Thanks for the feed guys, appreciate it.

[Herculean]

Overcoming obstacles, but when its tough ill grasp it,
my life is like the energizer bunny - only ill outlast it.

^killed.. well it took me a minute to get to this, sorry been busy as hell. Prophet covered most of everything in his feed (which he usually does lol) but the only thing i can tell you is to practice practice practice, you already have the premise of what to do now you just need to apply it, stay ill

[trajik]

I meant to getting to return the feed earlier, but I'm just getting around to doing any feed returning now. This was a pretty emotional piece, emotion had strong presence and conveyed to the reader. I liked the word play you used, pretty good stuff. I think you need to improve your vocabulary usage, reading through I found it pretty bland. You had a couple decent multi's but you could definitely improve in this aspect, try to get a lot more multis and even some internals if you can. Good stuff on your metaphors. Your flow should be tightened up, try to keep your syllables to a closer count. Keep writing man, always practice.