Guardian Angel (R.I.P)

[Just Skan]

My Guardian Angel (R.I.P)

Everynight, While the clock starts stroken,
Her Mothers cheek touches the pillow and starts soakin'
Her Father throat, boulders from cryin, he starts chokin'
Thier daughters heart stopped, so both of their hearts broken

Close by lies another child they raised
Her brother in the other room quietly stays
Eyes so dry, hasn't cracked a smile in days
His older sister takin at the wrong time and the age

Her name was Haley, as innocent and true as a baby
At eighteen, growing up to be a beautiful lady
She used to say she, wanted a, house with a gate see
Wanted to get married, have a bunch like brady

Grow old with a man, him holdin her hand
She told me, "never die alone is the plan"
She was the truest, most loyal friend i ever met
She shined like a sun, a sun that never set

She lived for the day and stayed dreaming at night
Don't hold back, she knew the meaning of life
She taught us what it is, she taught us how to give
And even though she died, she taught us how to live

So i can't understand if theres a god in this world
Why aint he take someone else instead of robbin this girl
Of her life , when she treasured every step every look
Every book when she treasured every breath that she took

He's a crook, shes an angel that he made without wings
She would treasure of guitar, if it came without strings
If had to describe her, and look deep inside her
See the sparks that ignite her, like a star but shes brighter


If i could surgery, I'd open your chest
Put my heart inside, close it, die and hope for the best
Caz i know, you would've done something great with your life
So correct me if i;m makin a mistake on the mic

But you were perfect as the sea breeze blowing through the sunset
True loves whitedoves oh and i aint done yet
Spring time nights dancing as it rains down
Little kids laughin' all smiles on the play ground

I lay down, confused as shit
Caz i dont know what the fuck to do but this
Caz baby, this worlds been a cold place lately
My collar bones are bruised and my shoulders ache baby

So im praying to my guardian angel save me,
And help your fam out caz times are getting crazy
I seen your sister die when them good byes rung
Caz she cant understand why the good die young

And i wont front caz i dont understand it neitherr
But i do understand that your family needs ya
And I DO know that you been my lighter for a minute
And the clouds lookin so much brighter with you in it

So baby look down i dont know if you can hear me
Know where ever i go, i will always keep you near me
Just know without you , this world will never be fixed
I love you baby girl you will forever be missed

Dear beautiful, guardian angel so true in full
For an angel only heavans garderns are so suitable
Earth was your prison, trapped inside its cubicle
So float up in the sky where all things are doable

Your friends miss you, your fam needs you
I jump but i can't reach you, i search but i can't see you
In that casket couldn't be you, this cant be true
You dont feel pain but you should see how much we do

Wish i could meet you, for dinner i would greet you
With flowers and watch you smile for hours i havent seen you
In so long, and nothing i believe in is true
And maybe my faith is shakey baby, but i believe in you....R.I.P<3


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...700/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...633/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...769/index.html

[Just Skan]

...

[Express'on]

Before I broke it down I read it once this shit is crazy amazing type shit....so let me find some flaws...lol

My Guardian Angel (R.I.P)

Everynight, While the clock starts stroken,
Her Mothers cheek touches the pillow and starts soakin'
Her Father throat, boulders from cryin, he starts chokin'
Thier daughters heart stopped, so both of their hearts broken

absolutely great way to start...good imagery..decent rhyme scheme...great nonetheless


Close by lies another child they raised
Her brother in the other room quietly stays
Eyes so dry, hasn't cracked a smile in days
His older sister takin at the wrong time and the age

time and age I think would have flowed better but still"eyes so dry. hasnt craxked a smile in days" great word placement flowed perfectly...

Her name was Haley, as innocent and true as a baby
At eighteen, growing up to be a beautiful lady
She used to say she, wanted a, house with a gate see
Wanted to get married, have a bunch like brady

I got the concept kind of forced the word play with brady but watever its the message that counts excellent follow

Grow old with a man, him holdin her hand
She told me, "never die alone is the plan"
She was the truest, most loyal friend i ever met
She shined like a sun, a sun that never set

cliche but one of the good cliches no like worn but thought of...type shit...but in context it helped with a character trait that kind od added a personal association to the girl...

She lived for the day and stayed dreaming at night
Don't hold back, she knew the meaning of life
She taught us what it is, she taught us how to give
And even though she died, she taught us how to live

I must say the best words I heard in a while...I wouldnt dare critique it

So i can't understand if theres a god in this world
Why aint he take someone else instead of robbin this girl
Of her life , when she treasured every step every look
Every book when she treasured every breath that she took

same shit I mean the time it must of took to grasp these images and place them so translucently in a rhyme scheme is amazing...

He's a crook, shes an angel that he made without wings
She would treasure of guitar, if it came without strings
If had to describe her, and look deep inside her
See the sparks that ignite her, like a star but shes brighter


veyr good imagery...I have nothing but praises so far...

If i could surgery, I'd open your chest
Put my heart inside, close it, die and hope for the best
Caz i know, you would've done something great with your life
So correct me if i;m makin a mistake on the mic

I liked this added a real life aspect to it...I mean "if I could surgery" doesnt make sense but I just filled it in for u and it worked for me...lol

But you were perfect as the sea breeze blowing through the sunset
True loves whitedoves oh and i aint done yet
Spring time nights dancing as it rains down
Little kids laughin' all smiles on the play ground

u kind of strayed on here...away from the plot line into direct analogy which isnt the setting or writing style u have already established idk mayb im being picky...lol


I lay down, confused as shit
Caz i dont know what the fuck to do but this
Caz baby, this worlds been a cold place lately
My collar bones are bruised and my shoulders ache baby

nope...u r really fallling off at this point remember stay poised and straight forward this really hurt...i dont even remember reading this part...cuz I was so intrigued with the first few stanzas

So im praying to my guardian angel save me,
And help your fam out caz times are getting crazy
I seen your sister die when them good byes rung
Caz she cant understand why the good die young

like the ending...dont like the slang with fam would have had a better tone with family remember connotation is just as important as word usage...

And i wont front caz i dont understand it neitherr
But i do understand that your family needs ya
And I DO know that you been my lighter for a minute
And the clouds lookin so much brighter with you in it

it seems like another whole other person is writing...lol...focus on good vocabulary and not try so hard to rhyme p.s. niether should b either (just saying)

So baby look down i dont know if you can hear me
Know where ever i go, i will always keep you near me
Just know without you , this world will never be fixed
I love you baby girl you will forever be missed

see here we go back to the good lol great emotion here...seemed very predictable as far as rhyme scheme but as far as delivery it was still very strong


Dear beautiful, guardian angel so true in full
For an angel only heavans garderns are so suitable
Earth was your prison, trapped inside its cubicle
So float up in the sky where all things are doable

super forced...at suitable and only slightly forced after that...ok concept delivery could def use a touch up right here


Your friends miss you, your fam needs you
I jump but i can't reach you, i search but i can't see you
In that casket couldn't be you, this cant be true
You dont feel pain but you should see how much we do

great again except tha fam part...whomever is writing this please make that family it just seems so much better imo...lol fam is so ghetto...yea I said it...lol this is emotion filled keep it that way type shit...


Wish i could meet you, for dinner i would greet you
With flowers and watch you smile for hours i havent seen you
In so long, and nothing i believe in is true
And maybe my faith is shakey baby, but i believe in you....R.I.P<3

Great closer/...

Critique I must say was the inner most body for about 4 stanzas was complete filler u couldtake those out and not lose a thing...
Praise I must say the rest it had a great story line with amazing symmetry it went from one aspect of greif into the next flawlessly it was a great read and I am looking forward to more like this....U set the bar high bro..


I figured u would get a good feedback so I gave u at least 1 great 1...

[Kid Craze]

This is reallly good, your imagery was good and really helped to express your story, i could even gather somewhat of a picture from this so that was cool, The flow on this great except for one kink(i mite be imagining) in the eighteen line. Your rhyme scheme wasnt basic but not quite advanced but i think your rhymes are where they should be at,
overall i loved this piece, you really painted a picture

[Just Skan]

Thanks poetic for the depth of that feed haha and the surgery line was supposed to read "if I could do* surgery" lol. Uppin thanks again guys

[JDro]

Great piece man, very well written and very well put together. You used great imigery throughout the whole piece i felt it as i continued reading on. I like how you formatted your piece too, paragraph by paragraph, very orginized. I give many ups for people who do that, makes your piece alot better just by looking at it. I thought you were real good at connecting me to your piece. Good drop man, keep it up.

[Just Skan]

Thanks for the feed, leave links

[Express'on]

if u could rtf on new collab would b great thx

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...816/index.html

[N.F.M.]

Not bad. I aint got much to say on it. Keep rappin, homie.

[Just Skan]

uppinn

[Slayerr]

unlike those above i have found some things i didnt like, im not a dick just you'll never improve if people dont point them out.
i dont like the blue font, makes it harder to read. I liked this piece, it flowed well, and had some very good imagery, i especially liked this line.

And even though she died, she taught us how to live

It was structured well and almost like a poem tbh, with the 4 lines per stanza.

however i thought it could've used more metaphors, unless i missed some i didn't see as many as i would've liked tbh, a piece like this needs them.

also what really held this back was awkward wording, you repeat words too quickly, if you've used it, try not to use it again in that bar. Also when you've written it, read it again quickly and see if you get slightly stuttered when reading it, if you get slightly someone who didn't write it would find it even more trouble. I know in some cases it was intentional

Of her life , when she treasured every step every look
Every book when she treasured every breath that she took

like there it was to represent that everything, and you mean everything was treasured.

[Just Skan]

upp thanks slayer for the feed....

check the TNT crew try out/chat thread someones tryna try out

[Hollow Cost]

it was an alright piece but i think ur rhyme scheme was simple. you should incorporate a higher vocab in a piece like this. had some alright imagry but the scheme hurt it. when there are no stand out lines it makes the reader lose attention. no hate fam jus keep writing and elevating

[Pure Attitude]

i disagree, i think that this was a very good read, although at somepoints you did go a bit off topic, but other than that it was like i could see who you were talking about.. just wondering if this is true and was written for a girl that you knew?..... good job

leave feed back on my Om if you can its short but its my first

[Just Skan]

thanks hollow appreciate the honesty.... and nexttime i will look to improve that... pure - yea it is real.. and thanks alot as well.