Losing My Mind

[Funky Fresh]

I'm looking around
But I can't seem to find
That crazy little thing
That I call my mind.

I'd like to stop searching
But what is the cost
Of admitting that hope
With my mind has been lost?

But then I met someone
Who offered his help.
And what a coincidence!
His name is Myself!

Now Myself and I,
We look all around.
But still my mind is
Nowhere to be found.

We look up and down
And to the right and the left,
Before I decide that
This is a clear case of theft!

I can't trust anyone,
Not even Myself.
So I flip him the bird
And send him to hell.

I reach for my sword
And he for the door,
But not before I
Leave his guts on the floor.

I've come to accept
That I'm shit out of luck,
Which isn't so bad
When you don't give a fuck.

[Android]

This was okay, thought it was worded more like a limerick than a poem at some parts but I liked it for the most part. First stanza I think you shouldn't have started the last 2 lines with 'take' I think the last line of that stanza would benefit more without it. Same thing for the last line of the 3rd stanza and start of the 4th, in some instances I believe that repetition can help a piece but I don't think this is one of them. Didn't think you needed the 1st line of the 4th at all to be honest. Also you are trying too hard to rhyme, there are much better ways of phrasing some of your lines but you compromised for the sake of rhyming. Anyway, stay up man. With a little polishing you'd make a good poet.

Also you need 2 links posted in this thread of feedback you've left on other peoples poems otherwise this will get closed by the mods, hit up either 'Moonlight Drive' or 'Showtime.' if you want to return the favour, both are on the front page.

[Alyse Miller]

this was ok.. a little shaky in some parts wich killed the flow of your piece. the upside the poem structure wise was the right idea. could be better it has some grammar issues here an there but nothing too major. keep writting an yup yu need links

[Mantra]

please check the rules.

you need to post the links to two poems you've replied to, or your thread will be closed.

[Smiless]

This was a little Dr Sues for me but its definitely not a bad start, I did like the theme you were going for, so keep it up good job