sanity

[QwarterZ]

The world as I see it revolves around grievance
the scenic gets darker every second I'm breathin'
my breath gets colder, I got the world on my shoulders
I got dreams devolped in a casket they sent over
saved by the motions, a underdeveloped emotion
I can't tell what's real thanx to this overexposure
they called me a soldier, I stand alone amongst no one
a sense of devotion mixed with more then stellar performance
I could hurl myself away if I wanted till I lose oxygen
while the satellite emits waves of some dumb bitch gossipin'
the world is tossed into war again, more disorder then...
while they got me hangin' here watchin' it all like a ornament
but a ornament has no emotion cuz it's stuck in suspense
but how the fuck does that explain why I'm so fuckin' depressed
makes no fuckin' sense, I'm so lost I feel like no one knows me
and thats why I'm so lonely but how could anyone console me?
when I'm stuck here watching it revolve...God I'm so lost...
I swore, I heard a knock at the door but that's impossible
I scream at the otherside because I can't correspond, lost the view
blurred by my own tears, stumbled to my feet to yell again
WHOSE THERE like a drunken fool going through hell...then again
I may just be finding a excuse to think to myself, talk to myself
in front of the mirror watchin' myself, easily lost in myself
waiting for them to give me a answer, why can't we communicate
doomed to the fate of dying alone, I'ma go home if I'm losing this face
they sent me here cuz we losing the race, but there's not much
to do in space..........



so behind me is the sanctuary.....sanity

[QwarterZ]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...860/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...766/index.html

[Ink Poyzin]

nailed it, man. for how short it was, you really killed the emotion of somebody who is in space, imo. i can just imagine what it would be like.. to be away from everybody.. lonely.. looking down.. just thinking 'fuck, i wish i was there right now.' that's exactly how i felt after reading this.. which reminds me, i just read some shit today, about the moon getting smaller, cracks in it.. talking about it won't be anytime soon that it'll be disappearing. but, back to the piece, man.. as far as the flow goes, nice and easy read. so, therefore, no need to go into how good the rhyme scheme was. definitely able to spit it... well structured verse, not choppy and all over the place. real good shit. thanks for the read, man. appreciated. keep writin'.

[QwarterZ]

bump....and gracias senor, I try

[Android]

I quite liked it, the flow was on point for the most part and for how short it was it packed a lot in. The image is nice lol I liked the ending, it rounded the piece off well. Thought some lines could have been executed a little better and some words seemed awkwardly rhymed but the imagery was decent and your definitely one of the up and comers in this section on RB to watch out for. You show great potential. Nice job.

[ItoldUIwasFat]

this was very good, you chose your words well and it made your diction very easy to read, this piece stands strong together, i cant really pick out a single bar cuz i loved it all. you played with a very interesting topic and you executed it nicely. i love topicals because when its done right, you can capture the readers minds... this was definitly worth the read..keep it up

[QwarterZ]

thanx bump!

[Slayerr]

i liked this, flowed well, packed with feeling, only thing i would say is the vocab...could be a little better....you had a couple of metas/similies but you could've thrown a few more in imo....nice drop though

[QwarterZ]

one last bump

[breeno]

I really like this piece. A very nice drop, captures the thought process of someone in that mindset, I like the whole "lost in space" psyche theme.

Overall a pretty nice drop, the only line I found awkward was the "stellar performance" line.

[QwarterZ]

It's the actin' of security or in other words...knowing your fine
so it's like a set up in the mindstate 0_0....

[ScRiBeZ]

Thought this came off nicely with almost everything...needed some metaz and punches in there to spice things up...even if its not a "dissing punch" it can boost the readers interest, as long as it doesn't take away from the piece as a whole. Same goes for word play....great flow in this joint..a hiccup here or there...some wording could be better...but that's all matter of oppinion.

Altogether this piece was done quite well.
Stay up...holla at me for a collab some time.

Pz

[Tool]

You ever seen the film Moon Q?

Aha, nvm.

This was cool for what it was to me. There were some bumps up and down which I easily get when I read you because I don't vibe with everything you put down, but shit happens.

I got dreams devolped in a casket they sent over

that was a curious line.

could hurl myself away if I wanted till I lose oxygen
while the satellite emits waves of some dumb bitch gossipin'

even though there is a consitent mention of shit more sombre - depression and his isolated, lonely state of mind (evidenced in the first line), this second line actually stuck me as some funny shit.

while they got me hangin' here watchin' it all like a ornament
but a ornament has no emotion cuz it's stuck in suspense

honestly? I didn't like that simlile (bold) but thought it was a decent follow up to it. Another crit;

I may just be finding a excuse to think to myself, talk to myself
in front of the mirror watchin' myself, easily lost in myself

Of course I know what you was tryna do with the repititon, showing you the mindframes at that time revolved mostly round him, i thought it was a little risky and didn't come off here as well as it could have, but not bad nevertheless.

...

So, yeah, i know I usually offer you more criticisms than praise - and you might think I'ma dick for it - but I think if you either honed your erratic style (made it your own) or done something a likkle more uniform, and were more consistent in your creativity - because you have lines I'm like 'cool', others just seem real lazy - I think you would be better. The first thing I read from you was something about a girl and/or winter, or the season (memory isn't serving) and I seen there you had some dope potential, but then, like now, I only see it come out in bursts.

So take that how you want.

That is all, feed returned.

[QwarterZ]

You ever seen the film Moon Q?

Aha, nvm.

This was cool for what it was to me. There were some bumps up and down which I easily get when I read you because I don't vibe with everything you put down, but shit happens.


that was a curious line.


even though there is a consitent mention of shit more sombre - depression and his isolated, lonely state of mind (evidenced in the first line), this second line actually stuck me as some funny shit.


honestly? I didn't like that simlile (bold) but thought it was a decent follow up to it. Another crit;


Of course I know what you was tryna do with the repititon, showing you the mindframes at that time revolved mostly round him, i thought it was a little risky and didn't come off here as well as it could have, but not bad nevertheless.

...

So, yeah, i know I usually offer you more criticisms than praise - and you might think I'ma dick for it - but I think if you either honed your erratic style (made it your own) or done something a likkle more uniform, and were more consistent in your creativity - because you have lines I'm like 'cool', others just seem real lazy - I think you would be better. The first thing I read from you was something about a girl and/or winter, or the season (memory isn't serving) and I seen there you had some dope potential, but then, like now, I only see it come out in bursts.

So take that how you want.

That is all, feed returned.

thanx bruh, I see what you mean, oh and that casket line
is more like the box he's stuck in after time it feels like your going crazy
and feels like your going to die in that same spot
and yea....Moon is where I got the idea from...great movie
but I didn't want to get to into that same storyline..thanx for the peep man

[Prince S.Tana]

expand your vocab and don't stretch the creativity as much.. this was a good piece qwart.. although i wanted to see more creative depth, use synonyms for basic words, like cool and dumb.. your piece will become more mature