Writer's Block

[trajik]

In this rap i took on the character of a rap legend who's come into writer's block and can't write worth a damn and lost all of his confidence.

yo i got the writers block
dont have a pen just a piece of chalk
i cant concentrate with this clock
distracted by the tic and the toc
i wanna get this out and show im the best
i swear i used to rhyme better than the rest
maybe ill find a rhyme on this tube of crest
nope there wasnt now its time to write the test
thats it im getting frustrated
im afraid my rhymes will get rated
more so im terrified theyll be hated
feels like my shoulders have been weighted
the stress has the weight of the world
now im queazy my stomach is curled
still nauseous and i just hurled
maybe my skills got stale or old
a lifetime passed their prime
to save my life i cant write a simple rhyme
thats it maybe i quit this time
no good with words i should be a mime
fuck that ill keep trying
wont stop until im dying
and perhaps im lying
ill still write while im lying
in my coffin after dying
because this shits a part of me
emceeing is deep within the heart of me
hip hop flows through my artery
with this writers block i got a blocked artery
i need surgery to get them unblocked
my rhymes a gun, unloaded but still cocked
the first time i held a mic i was shocked
i just opened my mouth and talked
i remember it was gold that i spewed
ever since that day i was viewed
as the most lyrical dude
so hip hop i pursued
and i promised to try and be the best
i started wearing a bulletproof vest
to avoid being shot in the chest
it seems to happen when youre the best
just look at tupac and b-i-g
so now i hope you see
its hard and its stressing me
how can i live up to the old me


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...383/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=434322

[143]

This was cool, it need some work though. From what you were saying in the drop you have some skill, you structure of your rhymes skeme detracts from what you are saying. The lines are too short and throws the rythm off. Some of the lines can be added to each other and it would sound alot better:

yo i got the writers block, dont have a pen just a piece of chalk
i cant concentrate with this clock, distracted by the tic and the toc

vs

yo i got the writers block
dont have a pen just a piece of chalk
i cant concentrate with this clock
distracted by the tic and the toc

work on the structure and then everything else will fall in place. OVERALL 6/10.

ALso try to expand on using direct words and incorporate adverbs and adjectives

[Trauma Uk]

I agree on the short bars though off the flow overall it was quite simplistic try to stick to rhyme scheme either 2,3,4 that will help the flow also if your going to do a story telling piece you need to create a story it just seemed like you were following the rhyme which made it try and use more complex word if you can't at least try to create some better imagery or emotion imo you've got a way too go but keep at it and you'll elevate

[trajik]

i see what you guys are saying about my short lines, thanks, at first i didnt, at first i read them the same, but i took another look at it and i see what youre saying. and 143 i never said i had skills, i have none, i donno if you noticed what i wrote about this piece above it, i was taking on the character of a legend who has writers block and has lost all confidence in his writing
trauma, are you referring to when i have 5 rhymes for dying? i found when i wrote it i couldnt fit what i was saying into the 4
but both of you i appreciate the suggestions, and 143 thank you for being generous and giving it a 6 it means a lot to me that someone thought something of mine was more than half decent