The Outsider

[Extortion]

The dexterity of a gangbanger

A boy adheres to the inner city trouble
in a Texan jungle, him and the glock cuddle
there was a puddle of blood, deemed from his actions
the boy had a passion, to rep his violent faction
recruited into the fire with matches, a young arsonist
spraying flammable mists, around the home of kids
the turning boy was a bad influence, changes were needed
he had killed & sold rocks, he wasn't anywhere decent
the plan not so recent, was to pawn him off on kansas
& as time passed , the boy felt cardiac damage
a let down provoking rampage, twisted his eyes to cry
stripped of his gun & flag, he has to let the set die
no longer gett'n high in the sky, he'll miss his bro's
from seeing fights, all the way down the yellow brick road
his options closed, he'll transition the modes of life
from getting knifed, to here where its a slim chance to die
he randomly appeared in school, like a magic act
innocence just crap, he's a GI Joe to a cabbage patch
no one knew the facts, they overlooked his past
the school year went fast, sadly he had barely passed
yet barely a friend or two, he sure didn't belong
but a place where he'd live long, not hitting the bong
a outsider by default, he just wishes to fit in
one day a group wanted to ball, so they went to grab him
late at night, they cruised thru the park
very dark, they found the court, so they could start
playing free and scoring for the team, he felt the part
the cell phone rang, the others gathered minus the boy
looking from the eyes of vengeance, they used Bball as a decoy
the outsider is in for hell, getting tossed like a simple toy
shouting for help, but nothing in return from his noise
the bullies making racial slurs, and battering maliciously
in the end, he was beaten viscously, 8 fractures to put it statistically
intensive care is where he stayed, for much of the time setting
the family missing him, the mother misses placing his bedding
remembering what he said, "It doesn't matter where I am"
and he wasn't kidding, the outsider is always damned...


Kinda Choppy, but just a quick brush up..

[Extortion]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...682/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...66#post7770766

[Nika Subin]

A little choppy, I suppose... but I've learned such choppiness is unfathomable to me for some reason, so I myself wouldn't say choppy. I'd say it could use some editing, which is to say, it's that good. Because editing is that unfortunate but necessary tool to make better. Your ability to tell a story has proved in this to be of high quality. The rhymes I felt allowed for a good flow to it, without interfering with the narration, but rather helping it along.

Narrating precisely a story about an outsider. I think though that there could be a way in the early part, not necessarilly deleting lines as opposed to adding more in, that would drive home the outsider status.

I liked being able to read this the way it is. It might seem unoriginal using a gangbanger in a fictional piece, but at the same time you managed to flesh out the protagonist in such a way so as to make it original. Awesome.

[Extortion]

thanks

[L-Tidus]

What up Hypnotistic,

The rhyme schema was cool in your drop. Good solid length to this piece because it displays your ability to stay on topic. My writing style is very similar to yours in a way that the lines are composed. This was a descent drop...

[Extortion]

Thanks bro

[Endeva.]

thought some aspects came across very simplistic, your word choice... and in places your rhyming seemed forced which affected your flow...

overall id work on smoothing out your flow, as the reader you want it to roll off the tongue, without having to re-read lines to pick up the flow, nah mean...

anyways, keep writing kid

.....pz

[Express'on]

I thought this was hot....I could see the imagery, n for a "rap" lets say, it was very poetic...The flow made the reading smooth n unforced...neways great write

recruited into the fire with matches, a young arsonist

Idk why but this hit me kind of hard the personification of matches then the direct camparison to him as a group rather than an individual really brought a significance to the piece before it was even developed

great write

[Extortion]

Thanks guys...appreciate it..