Skyward (this about flaws)

[Aco_KK]

Look down at my other post and you'll see it.

Not finished, I dunno if this is good or not. seems too crap to be good.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...728/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...679/index.html

[143]

Let's GO....


Until the day we’re skyward we stand on plywood
with our flaws hauled by spinal cords, don’t dare cry wolf

Your opener should be about what you are talking about or a small description of that. Totally off, like filler lines.

Be a walking billboard with a steel sword to cut the Macbeth crap
This is the real world, if you think its surreal you’re caught in a deathtrap

Nice line here, good image with this, could have done with out the "Macbeth"

Each step we take could be the staircase to our own abasement
Self-hating isolation in our basements, abashed with grief placement

Seem like you was using vocab to sound like you are saying something when it sounds like it rhymes.

Fuck the mawkish hawks who think they’re birds of prey waiting to stoop
Bundle your defects and grab them by the beaks and behead them

not clear what you are saying here
Use them as bobby pins to pop their snobby grins and get ahead of them
Deflating their gaping heads is a motherfucking narrowly measly act
Judgers use it as an aphrodisiac so when the pussy nocturnal beasts attack
It’s not mind boggling, use your blemishes as your armor and chainmail
Plywood’s wobbly in darkness, vision impaired to a strained Braille
Stand with your fists raised to repel the damn anathema
because that is the fucking wrath of karma when you take a bath in armor.
When they see the quarry, don’t worry about a thing
Just amputate their limbs to stamp your fate

this whole part is like lines that you use to rhyme and didn't make sense

definately rework this

[Aco_KK]

thanks dude, i thought i fucked it up. just needed reassuring. I'll rework it now !!

[Aco_KK]

i've got BAD writers block at the moment. i just cant think of anything.

[143]

Hey i been there.

[Esc0BosS]

dont need to look very hard to see your main flaw is you either lack the ability to elaborate or you dont know what to elaborate on because your focusing on other shits such as rhyming words...for no apparent reason...yea, rhyming is kinda that point but dont do it at the expense of making sense, you fuckin with that?
and that said you had some decent concepts worked in on the like the shit following form the "bird of prey" line...not sure how much is intentional, but wdeva...sometimes...for some people...it helps to have and idea where you gonna take the piece before you get to penning it down...#1 stay up

[Aco_KK]

fuck man, why did i allow myself to put this hunk of crap here.

got any ideas to get over writers block? it's killing me slowly.

[Silk Sky]

read other verses (like mine! lol)

take a shower

play video games

have sex

drive in the car and listen to your fave radio station

^all of the above have worked for me at different times...the real trick is to get your mind thinking about SOMETHING.

[Esc0BosS]

fuck man, why did i allow myself to put this hunk of crap here.

got any ideas to get over writers block? it's killing me slowly.

firstly, its not crap lil nigg...everything is a contribution to the final result

and as for the writers block, realize its merely a state of mind, the more you think about writers block, the more you think you have it, the more of an effect its going to have on you...my advice is write when it feels natural to do so...eventually, the right time will be whenever you want it to be...stop stressing, its important

#1

[Aco_KK]

Thanks guys for the advice, I took the liberty of remaking one paragraph, dunno if it's any better.


There’ll always be someone on a podium with a pointer
nitpicking every facet of your game trying to disjoint ya.
With immaculate accuracy they hit the mark with buoyancy
Like a dagger invading your heart, rippling through veins
corrupting your motherboard and every motherfucking sinew
until you fall flat on your face with a splat and can’t continue.
A domino effect of your body while they sit and smile
Everybody’s pointing, feeling like that Sea World Dolphin,
Looked at and mocked, maybe a plea curled Orphan.
Helpless while they prize your mouth open with a crowbar
and shovel their vileness in your gape until it overflows.
You’re choking while they use unsterile tools and the shit grows
inside of you until your coughing missiles of blood mixed hate.
Gripping your hair to make you lick the spillage off the support plate
And when their shit cascades through you like a waterfall
there’s enough of their hate inside of you to hate yourself.
They walk back on their platforms with a sinister ballista,
ready to hurl more of their bullshit like they’re a minister.
Assisted by a tunneled funnel with a fucking canyon cleft,
You’re muffled screams are the only companions left

feedback will be appreciated, and yeah gonna take a break from this.

[Silk Sky]

^biggest problem i have with your rewrite thus far is your inconsistent word choice...imo words like "motherfucking" "fucking" and "shit" don't really go with "immaculate" "cascades" and "muffled" (a few examples). Cuss words are fun, but they very rarely add any imagery to a piece.

[Aco_KK]

To be honest, i love cussing and I hate poetry. (seriously, I hate poetry) I'm trying to poetIC but still remain non-poetic with cussing and whatnot.

A lot of people try and be really poetic here, and I suppose thats the nature of this but I'm trying not to go down that road.

anything else to fix up?

[Silk Sky]

if you want to do that, then I say leave upper level vocab out all together. Instead, focus on using lower level vocab in interesting ways, and see if you can build an emotional picture WITH cuss words imo when you throw in a few random higher level words while still using cuss words and "street slang" just makes it look like youre trying too hard. I say fuck that, and write what's real.

[Tool]

ha.

[Aco_KK]

what's funny mate?