You had a tight flow throughout pretty much the whole piece.. But most of your lines seemed a little too long (not sure if thats just personal taste or what) But it seemed like you were focusing more on content than you were flow/rhyme scheme (which is a very good thing IMO) Closer to the end i think it felt a bit rushed, like you were trying to leave us wanting more. Maybe a part 2 sometime in the future?
alright thanks for the feed.
and lol bruce lee.
thanks for the feed; greatly appreciate it.
Up.
well it seems as though you took the advice from some on your last piece and shortened your lines a bit! good job man.... flows much better... even on the long ones you had inner rhymes so it didn't disturb the flow at all.. i think a bunch of guys can relate to this piece imo... i know i definately can man.. love is one of the most obscure emotions or feelings i've ever flet and had to deal with... despite was clee said about the 'perfect, her fit' line... i think that was your most creative rhyme scheme.. i liked how that rhymed flat out... your rhyme choices kind of got a lil redundant but thats always something everyone needs work on.. the ending was prolly the best.. keep it up man.. peep my piece called "cupid's curse" and leave me some feed man... pce... keep ya head up.
sCytsOPHrenIa
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
"It's that grand precious,
that precious part of you wants to touch
n' part of you just wants to sit n' be impressed with.." -Aes
Those of you who thought I should expand on the storyline; well I'll extend it and post up a continuation later.
And thanks for the feed wise. ill check your piece later on.
Posting Rules
Reply With Quote