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Last edited by Euphoric; October 7th, 2010 at 11:38 PM
I'd like to direct your attention to the last stanza of your verse.
I am glad that by the end of the work you started to develop a 12 sylable line that was consistent. Your last submission was around 17-20 sylables a line and it was for lack of a better word, chaos. Everything was stretched throughout the verse and it did not flow at all. Okay, now I am a little bothered by the fact that, in the first four stanzas in this submission, up until the fifth stanza which I quoted, you did the SAME THING! You did improve a bit, what was once 17-20 sylable lines in your last Open Mic was cut down to 15-18 sylable lines in this Open Mic. BUT, that habbit of writing lines over 13/14 sylables needs to be destroyed.Like great empires, great relationships can fall too
The foundations crack, and the hearts fall through.
See, broken hearts happen to guys too,
We get hurt by the truth, and the lies too.
Girls? They dont know it, we endure our pain silently
We dont show it, but our hearts break just as violently.
We deal with pain too, shit, the pain often stays for a while
And not knowing what to do, we just joke and fake a smile.
Focus on the final stanza of your submission, the quoted one. The lines are all around 12 sylables long and it flowed a lot better than anything else you have written that I have seen.
This quote was like a ray of hope. Wasn't sure if you came far enough to start putting ideas like this together and make them rhyme well. But, sadly, the rest of your verse did not follow this style, it was still S T R E T C H E D out.Like great empires, great relationships can fall too
The foundations crack, and the hearts fall through.
I like the idea of this, was well done. You need to develop on your ideas. It started to sound like a story. But, we are all left wondering, why and how did they break up and the love end? You need to remember that we the readers want to read more than just feelings and emotions. We want the facts, and we want climactic endings.
For your next submission, I would like to see 12 sylable lines like your last stanza that I quoted, and for you to develop an idea, similar to how you did this time - but with a climax and an ending that explains the entire developing plot of the story embedded within. Keep writing, you are starting to understand.
Last edited by Dex'Labb; June 9th, 2010 at 08:05 PM
this had some serious emotion. better than your other work. very impressed. flow fell off a few times, but you had some great rhyme schemes. some coulda been better. got really deep and really powerful. work a lil on your flow and it'll be perfect.
and i know i'm kinda beating a dead horse here, but dex'labb: one last thing. speak for your fucking self. you're not "the readers". your one fuckin guy. if you wanna bitch about ppls pieces whatever. but don't pretend your the fuckin representative of the whole site. if we agree we'll say it. don't speak for us.
Atlas, fuck off & elevate.
dex'labb, whose the one who really can't accept criticism?
wow. that's really all i can say. it was amazing. very emotional
If you're really a rapper, you can't stop rapping.
thanks for the feed.
this wasn't bad man, you had a concept that's been used too much and took a some what fresh take on it. you stayed on topic, but it was pretty simple, I wasn't getting much more out of it than what you said. a lot of your lines also read like run on sentences, it was all very stretched, and that makes it hard to keep up a consistent flow. you had a few forced rhymes, i'll put some examples, but for the most part I thought this was a good read. you had good content in this, you just need to work on developing rhymeschemes, and you need to get a little more creative with what you write.
Said “I love you” and more, and every single word was too true.
She was the sunshine of your bright day, just seeing her made you sway
^^forced there
In the beginning, it was smiles and laughs: it started out perfect.
Life was a great puzzle, and in your mind you could see her fit,
^^forced
Then one day, the words that seemed so simple to say
Turned on you, broke apart, and were simply thrown away.
Three words or eight letters—none of it seemed to matter,
She, who you love, now watched silently as it all shattered,
And previous hopes broke violently and now stood tattered.
Anger gave way to sadness while your wits were all scattered,
Imagine squeezing a heart, and watching as the blood splattered:
Pain fills you and it doesn’t seem to subside, and you feel your heart divide,
^^this wasn't bad, good imagery, consistent flow, this was my favorite stanza.
only real major complaint I have with the content of this is your last stanza, silently/violently line was a little corny, and so were the last two lines, i'm guessing you struggled with how to end this...but other than that like I said I thought this was a good read, you just need to work on your mechanics a bit, and I look forward to reading more from you.
Ok... SKS... you said the same thing twice for two pieces just to get feed on your piece. I aint gonna say anything to the mods... but someone else might. Or they might see it for themselves. Weak dude.
Atlas, Dex does know what he's talking about. If I've noticed anything, it's that he knows what he's talking about. He's just of one single discipline. Which some people do I suppose.
Dex, think about this. Imagine if you will someone who follows only one discipline. Like a Tae-Kwon-Do master... fighting someone trained in many disciplines. Like Bruce Lee.
Euphoric... The subject matter in question is an incredible challenge. I feel you stepped up to it, because you had a very important lesson to be learned. That's wisdom. The wisdom found in it is that empires fall... everything, subsequently by my logic... falls as well. Everything ends.
At the same time... theres more to it that could be chronologically written from the past. Back when I love you meant something. And more to be written after the end when you're left having to deal with your pain that no one understands.
That's a challenge as well.
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lol in that line, i wasnt rhyming sway with true. sway was in a new line. but yeah ill take your advice on developing the concept. thanks for the feed.Originally Posted by Clee.
and thanks to panda too.
Last edited by Euphoric; June 11th, 2010 at 11:47 AM
Damn, very emotional. This is exactly the kind of rapper I wanna be, I just don't know how to put emotions into my work.
You stayed on that one subject, and I liked that the most. You saw my shit already, it was about my life, but sorta all over the place.
Nice piece though, man. Keep writing, I'm sure you'll be famous some day.
You know there's a quote that goes something like, "I am not affraid of the fighter who has practiced 1000 techniques, but only of the fighter that has practiced 1 technique 1000 times."
Very true, very wise.
I don't get it, sadly.
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