Concerned About Writing #1

[rhymebad]

Concerned About Writing #1

Been a fool but in school get good grades because I’m hood
Made should have paid my counselor a visit later today I would
Drop by, just dropping a short letter don’t get all sorts of clever
Advice from her, concerned about writing but learn fighting never
Gave it a try, because if I have crummy quotes I’ll be a funny joke
Don’t know if I can recover from that need a lover with stats and hope
She add to my rep I’ll be glad except got to battle haters too much
My thoughts mixed and keen at sixteen can’t write or do a true search
For money I was like son of a bitch writing is done by the rich only
Got gravy in my pocket we reading about Davy Crockett, strongly
The King of the wild Frontier wore bling and style to school in here
Davy wore a coon skin cap I’m soon gonna begin to rap so let me clear
My throat body frying quick after eying this chick wanna hound her pies
Because of her brown eyes, but I can’t fail this history class the vibes
And mystery of her ass is outreaching and no doubt teaching the tribes
Of love talk realized that writing is not real work, feel that could hurt
My career I’m alert but fear what’s ahead wow the girl stood and flirt
Damn near fell out my seat gee that would be swell to eat she become
A quick flame what’s her nickname? Fine chick or dame two thumbs
Up girl, need to do some firm pivoting can’t earn a living just from writing
Publishing books is strong talk need to take a long walk and think, it exciting
In a way, as my facts grew brighter started to act true like a writer igniting
Grammar and glamor duck being a street butt that could put a deep cut
In my career, I try rule in high school was fly and cool writing is my gift
With bold hopes I told folks I’m a writer brave in this vicinity seem to uplift
And gave me and identity but didn’t crave for obscenity, telling folks
Satisfied my need gave me stats pride and creed my music yelling notes
Wanna know more and like a ship go ashore seek dry sand then float
With fieyah in my plan, in the ocean and the notion of writing has flickered
Off and triggered boss motivation make strive hard my life already been figured
out

[rhymebad]

my link http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...634/index.html

[rhymebad]

my link http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...776/index.html

[LicketySplit96]

.3/10
No kind of flow. Barely a rhyme scheme. Made like no sense whatsoever. Some bars didn't rhyme...I.E -

She add to my rep I’ll be glad except got to battle haters too much
My thoughts mixed and keen at sixteen can’t write or do a true search

And some lines were like..WTF?! I.E -

My throat body frying quick after eying this chick wanna hound her pies
Because of her brown eyes, but I can’t fail this history class the vibes

like.."hound her pies"? really?

And why does everything you write have to do with girls?
You need to elevate. Now.

[rhymebad]

terrible critique stayed on topic explained well in multi's not many can match the skills naw son 8/10

[LicketySplit96]

terrible critique stayed on topic explained well in multi's not many can match the skills naw son 8/10

Rhymebad i'm not startin this shit now. You think everyone who tells you that you are bad is a horrible critique. Go fuck yourself Rhymebad.

[rhymebad]

Lickety you say you don't give a fuck yet you move about begging for a battle because you too stupid to drop a real verse, now you crying and need to bind yourself in chains for being an out of control Frankenstein with a monster attitude dude say you not starting nothing look at your sig begger

[LicketySplit96]

where did that rhyme...?
Rhymebad if you want to diss me so bad then battle me and stop being a stupid fucking pussy.

[Clee]

^Your wack as hell...you really shouldn't be giving anyone advice.

[rhymebad]

clee I'm sorry dude you was talking to old tick lick dude please accept my apology

[Clee]

lol please make a diss thread about me or something. that'd be awesome for the both of us.

[rhymebad]

LICKETY you puzzled and confused in the mind you don't know bread from wood dude and plus you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground had the faggot nerve to ask me wh6y i write about girls? dang you can't fly above the clouds because you maybe on the rag dude

[LicketySplit96]

That didn't rhyme. At all. Not the slightest bit.
Can i ask you why you continuously try to diss me, or anyone for that matter? I mean your skills just make you look like a retard, you're only embarrassing yourself.

[rhymebad]

not suppose to rhyme i wrote the rhyme you got your nose in right now Im telling you off
lickety you need to make your name shorter right now it reads mickey mouse just a cartoon bugs bunny so what's up doct, you don't talk about business and your skills so whack they out of sight nobody can see your goodyear blimp ass

[R. Foster]

After multiple reads, I found a glimpse of talent in this. It was bad, but not awful.

Two major issues that plague this piece, and probably your other drops, are wording and structure.

For example, this section here:

In my career, I try rule in high school was fly and cool writing is my gift
With bold hopes I told folks I’m a writer brave in this vicinity seem to uplift
And gave me and identity but didn’t crave for obscenity, telling folks
Satisfied my need gave me stats pride and creed my music yelling notes

In this section, you're trying to point out how embracing the fact that you are a writer and displaying your pride in your choice to other people uplifts you and brings you closer to your music. Your writing makes you who you are and your music is what you live by. Cute/deep shit. Too bad no one would ever get that just trying to read through this once. It's too incoherent and the flow is choppy because of those LONG lines and terrible wording and formatting. For example, with punctuation, it reads:

In my career, I try rule. in high school, was fly and cool. writing is my gift;
With bold hopes, I told folks I’m a writer, brave in this vicinity. seem to uplift
And gave me and identity, but didn’t crave for obscenity. telling folks
Satisfied my need; gave me stats, pride, and creed: my music. yelling notes

Now, after re-reading that, your ideas are much easier to separate and the flow is easier to decipher. For example, after breaking it down into the flow I caught:

In my career, I try rule.
In high school, was fly and cool.
Writing is my gift; with bold hopes, I told folks
I'm a writer, brave in this vicinity.
Seem to uplift and gave me and identity,
but didn't crave for obscenity. Telling folks
Satisfied my need: gave me stats, pride and creed: my music. Yelling notes

I don't know; that's the best I could come up with. But it reads much more easier. You even have a decent multi in there. But it's hard to get to because of bad wording and grammar. Simple things like mistaking 'and' for 'an'. Work on cutting out the extraneous shit. If you're discussing your love for your music, who the fuck cares how cool you were in high school (regardless of what the piece is about, I'm sure not a soul gives two shits)? Focus on your topic and you'll do much better. I'm not going into more depth because this shit is tedious, but I'm sure you get the gist.

Work on wording and structure before anything and you'll get better responses. You have the talent to write, and underneath the clunky verses are some decent ideas. You just need to present them better. Stay writing and improving.

By the way, if you're truly 'concerned with your writing', then heed constructive criticism. It'll save your lyrical life.

pz.