Visionist

[KnowP]

Visionist


Perspective of a man not old, walking on the glass of thought
Thugs in alleys plotting on life, the concept of wrong I’ve caught
Life can end now or not, facing the plight and reason for creation
Output stuck inside of the captured, suffocated fears, deprived masturbation
No physical relation, call him father, allow his teachings to mend hurt
Gang signs and guns are the norm, false idols elevating everyone’s temper

Breath can either be simpler, or destruction walks the isle of a wedding
In between the sheets, hearts beat, spend an eternity aggravated and dreading
This location earns the setting, late night terrorism yields bed wetting
Foes forced to be neighbors, a connection that’s worth a generation forgetting

Enter my path, God keeps letting, so I consume all, tests of the incoherent
Ear drums shriek at the sound of fear, the end captivates once you get near it
A race of bastards set upon clearance, molding their psychological being
Dreams distract the vomiting reality, pen’s relax nerves, keep me sleeping
Cold driven steps where ancestors cried, a fence broken from enemies attempts
Ignorance is bliss, education is a myth, so pride and arrogance became their defense


…not mine…



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...577/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...894/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...894/index.html

[KnowP]

super slept on

[sir headless]

what up p

nice drop, the flow is nice through the whole piece never stuck or something, the vocab is also good. I like the whole piece

some fb would be great http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...041/index.html

[KnowP]

good looks on the lil feed fam...preciate u

[bludhoundz]

I like your rhyme scheme of

xxxxxxA
xxxxxxA
xxAxxxB

or at least looking something like that.

Here is my only critique;

No physical relation, call him father, allow his teachings to mend hurt
Gang signs and guns are the norm, false idols elevating everyone’s temper

While on paper "mend hurt" and "temper" rhyme, it is a little awkward to make them rhyme aloud because of the way temper is pronounced. I do realize that this is a written piece though and not spoken or rapped so feel free to disregard this if it is completely irrelevant.

Overall a solid piece. It carries a coherent message and still retains a good flow with some nice rhymes.

I would appreciate if you gave me some feedback as well: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...155/index.html

[KnowP]

good lookin fam.... uppin

[JLoCo]

yo I gotta agree with what bludhounds said. the whole piece flowed real well with the exception of that bar that he pointed out. other then that shit was smooth. I do think that you were a little bit straying from the topic there too and think this would be a very solid piece if you just completely omitted that bar, those two lines and substituted them for something else. you did recover after that to finish this out solidly though and was glad to see that the rest of the piece flowed as well as the first couple of bars. keep doin yo thang man. stay up.

[KnowP]

word...thanks

[Will-EYE-Am]

Excellent Drop man, good vocab and great rhyme scheme. It shows other ways of thinking about things. And its original

A race of bastards set upon clearance, molding their psychological being
Dreams distract the vomiting reality, pen’s relax nerves, keep me sleeping
Loved this
Cold driven steps where ancestors cried, a fence broken from enemies attempts
Ignorance is bliss, education is a myth, so pride and arrogance became their defense
another good one

[LicketySplit96]

Nice drop homie, had a good rhyme scheme, good vocabulary, pretty steady flow, like i've seen better from you but this was good to say the least. I would recommend using more multis though, like there multis in here but not in all the lines, and it obviously sounds best when its multis throughout. for instance...
"No physical relation, call him father, allow his teachings to mend hurt
Gang signs and guns are the norm, false idols elevating everyone’s temper"
Mend hurt and Temper sound much better rhymed than...
"Perspective of a man not old, walking on the glass of thought
Thugs in alleys plotting on life, the concept of wrong I’ve caught"
Thought and Caught.
Not saying any lines were bad, they were all good lines just that multis like in example 1 would sound best if used for all of them, you feel me?
good drop though homie, keep it tight.