What am i doing wrong?

[Soul Taker]

here, this is a link to one of my battles, i seriously thought i had a good verse but ive got 2 votes against me.

can someoe check it out and explain to me what ive done wrong????

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...233/index.html

[Vandle]

Alright bro.. from what i can see, for starters, your verse is like a bunch of one liners just cut and pasted to make a few bars.

This Here:

Ima shove your head-up-your-ass, keep what we said-in-the-class, “come to bed,” – Ima pass.

Made absolutely no sense to me at all... couple of your other punchlines were pretty wack as well, but as for errors.. your structure is off. You've got the ideas for wordplay and multis down, but your puttin shit together all wrong.. you need to find a nice flow and keep it consistent through your verse.. hell you can even switch up styles in a verse, but you have to maintain that smoothness. this was very choppy, and again, didn't seem like any of it fit together..

Now when i talk about consistency, or flow.. im referring to the way everything ties together and how well it reads.. take these few lines for instance.. read em as if you'd be spittin it, and i'll think you see what im sayin..

Right, so I got couple of bars to own you, scar you and pawn you, spar you and yawn at you, nigger what you going to do?

When I bring my cast out, I’ve won this battle hands down.

You’re a lyrical disaster, and I'm the lyrical master, nobody can spit faster, I’m faster than a spaceship from NASA.

First lines alright, but then going to the second, you lose your structure right of the bat, short little one liner and then right back into it like the first. Each set on its own is alright, but you cant peice em together.. your endin with "do" then "Down" and the "Nasa", giving no support or tie in to your rhyme. I know i kinda rambled on this one, but hope this helps a little bit.. i have a a textstyle you can take a look at if you wanna see what im sayin about consistancy/flow..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...277/index.html

[The Writer]

everythin

[LicketySplit96]

everythin

Word.

[JSED]

try tha shit to a beat and see if it sounds good to you lol ull see