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Thread: Tybalt is Dead

  1. #1
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    Tybalt is Dead


    Tybalt, technology in hand. Use it wisely.


    Tybalt dies and the city stops in its tracks
    the city wants its bloodthirsty villian back
    running out of bad guys that start barroom brawls
    and violate your daughters in bathroom stalls
    with coke and sin and oral sex
    the purveyor of all moral hex, dies a deplorable death
    slayed by his own gun and cremated
    ashes spread into the sea, the wound is sore and tender
    this scourge on society was one to be remembered
    sacred as Attica riots, sacred as L.A. anarchy
    Tybalt dies and everyone goes home, the poetry of cinema
    becomes one sick, disconcerting enema
    the director leaves the set, Shakespeare rolls in his grave
    Romeo contracts Aids from a fluffer backstage
    Old World charm can't satisfy American nymphomania
    the dream of Californication becomes contained, deterred
    a canvas blurred too epic to be titled with words
    no force of evil and the universe is out-of-balance
    the people notice the machines and everything is off its axis
    magic in the neon lights seduce you
    February stars don't shine as bright as they used to
    don't you want to get drunk at bars with members of the cast
    mock the terrorists before they set off the big blast














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  2. #2
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    Re: Tybalt is Dead

    Lol, guessing your in Grade 10? Wrote a poem on Tybalt for an assignment and posted it here? Just a guess so don't take it the wrong way.

    The opening was nicely done a bit comical, then it died down a bit, the rhymes were okay/good. But you are improving. My tips:

    Elavate your diction
    (if my guess is right) English class is different then RB, I used to post all my "good" poems from school here... lets just say they weren't so good............BUT if my guess is wrong then disregard this.

    Overall it was enjoyable. You can tweak it a bit IMO. But your getting better. You got potential, so keep at it.
    Whether your a king or a street sweeper,
    We all dance with the Grim Reaper.

  3. #3
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Re: Tybalt is Dead

    liked this piece. haha idk what being in grade ten has anything to do with this? and i could understand someone saying elevating your diction but IMO i think vocabulary usage and "pretty" words arent always necessary to deliver a piece at its maximum potential. with that being said i felt this was a pretty good piece. shakespeare rolling in his grave romeo contracting aids was a sick concept liked that alot and how it really contributed to the whole idea of the piece for me. overall pretty good piece not your best but good.. keep writing that ill shit man

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  4. #4
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    Re: Tybalt is Dead

    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck Diesel View Post
    liked this piece. haha idk what being in grade ten has anything to do with this? and i could understand someone saying elevating your diction but IMO i think vocabulary usage and "pretty" words arent always necessary to deliver a piece at its maximum potential. with that being said i felt this was a pretty good piece. shakespeare rolling in his grave romeo contracting aids was a sick concept liked that alot and how it really contributed to the whole idea of the piece for me. overall pretty good piece not your best but good.. keep writing that ill shit man
    I was tired. And Grade 10 because I believe thats when schools read Romeo and Juliet. Never said he doesn't have some nice words, but elevating the diction could make it a bit better.

    Though I gotta agree with you. I re-read this fully sober. And dopest lines are:

    the director leaves the set, Shakespeare rolls in his grave
    Romeo contracts Aids from a fluffer backstage
    Old World charm can't satisfy American nymphomania
    the dream of Californication becomes contained, deterred
    a canvas blurred too epic to be titled with words
    Whether your a king or a street sweeper,
    We all dance with the Grim Reaper.

  5. #5
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    Re: Tybalt is Dead

    Umm. Thanks for the feed.

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