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Thread: Good Bye

  1. #1
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    Good Bye

    Lonesome feet travel in coherence, memory lane flooded with debris
    of broken bonds; shattering like a tender heart when rose petals turn to ash.
    Floating amongst the clouds, she dances anarchically with the angels
    walking through life not knowing of my existence.. the pain resides deeper.
    Distorted emotions amplify in hostility, harnessing hatred
    as the mind play games; blunted brain waves begging for her acceptance.
    .:Falling into the darkness:.
    Collapse on calamity, when this heart bleeds in tears of sorrow,
    the fears are hollow. Suspended thoughts spill to the surface, beckoning with
    sentimental prayers, hoping to find her in my dreams; waking up to
    a desolate mindscape where I dwell in darkness. Years pass by, I stand
    unmoved, ruminating and rankled; Time swallowed by afflicted scars of
    agony and loss of another. The grains dissolve, trying to find the
    light into a void of defeat.. No longer will I wait.
    .:Eluding the stress:.
    Churning in the cauldron of vitriol, trying to decimate scenes of havoc.
    Her face races past the liquid, I ignore - trying to forget the image.
    Slowly I stumble, my hand waves inertly as the fingers struggle
    to find stability, I weaken by the second. Losing focus, my soul,
    subsumed by this ailing love, liquor sedates the wounds, but the power
    breaks out of my reach - a failing drug. These broken hands cant release the
    tension, the rope penetrates the skin.
    ..Fate pulling me away..
    I grab tighter trying to hold on
    but the stress burns my fingers,
    and I embrace her with this grip of flames.
    She slides from my hands, broken and bloody,
    I scream in tranquility, to no avail.
    Crying a pool of sorrow, I drown the thoughts.
    In shock I collapse:
    my eyes blacken with disbelief
    I grab her in my dreams
    Back from the ashes… back from the dust

    My heart pounds in confusion
    I can never say goodbye

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-388997.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-389254.html
    Last edited by Race; March 22nd, 2010 at 09:33 PM

  2. #2
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    Re: Good Bye

    Churning in the cauldron of vitriol, trying to decimate scenes of havoc.
    Her face races past the liquid, I ignore - trying to forget the image.
    Slowly I stumble, my hand waves inertly as the fingers struggle
    to find stability, I weaken by the second. Losing focus, my soul,
    subsumed by this ailing love, liquor sedates the wounds, but the power
    breaks out of my reach - a failing drug. These broken hands cant release the
    tension, the rope penetrates the skin.


    That was my favorite stanza of the whole piece....you had some o.k. vocab in this stanza and really good imagery to match.
    Altogether though the piece is kinda flat, the topic is one we see alot....

    keep posting.....would like to see more from you Race!.

  3. #3
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: Good Bye

    No doubt you have a strong poetic voice. The sturcture you chose really fitted you well. I've tried to read this severally to give some constructive feed.
    You had a VERY good opening. I liked the idea of feet walking down memory lane. I've read it before but u still pulled it well. It felt like the 'distorted emotions...' bit to the ned was overdone and in the end you dint achieve an image as crisp as the ones you'd began with.
    'falling into darkness' was real good. The sentences were ab bit log and hard to keep up with but it was still well-worded and really held my attention.
    Im thinking all this
    These broken hands cant release the
    tension, the rope penetrates the skin.
    ..Fate pulling me away..
    I grab tighter trying to hold on
    was you extending on the ropes image. Smart.
    Towards the end it all started becoming a bit cliched. I guess you were just tying it up but still, it took away from some of the original concepts you had ealier.
    I really enjoyed this.

    .

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Diamondz's Avatar
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    Re: Good Bye

    Very strong piece keep dropping

  5. #5
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    Re: Good Bye

    Yea man this joint crazy yo nice material dawg

    Collapse on calamity, when this heart bleeds in tears of sorrow,
    the fears are hollow. Suspended thoughts spill to the surface, beckoning with
    sentimental prayers, hoping to find her in my dreams;

  6. #6
    Banned
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    Re: Good Bye

    thanks-

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