Love through everything-

[[k]onquerer]

My eyes barely open and this needle's stealing my veins,
sights are hazy and thoughts are whirling around me
My neck tightens up and I turn to my wife and see,
bruises and deep gashes, surrounded by her brown mane.

Extension of my arm just to feel the beauty leaking off of her,
just let me have one touch, I'd be honored to feel that skin
like a pallet of silk running beneath my injured finger tips.
Her eyes open but all I see is fear, her fingers digging at her shirt.

Mouth wide open but I can't hear a damn thing, what's happening?
I stutter around words not sure if I'm saying the right words..
"Baby..." tears forming in my eyes and now faced with another curse.
this silence between us is unbearable and in fact, deafening

Intellectual beings shouldn't be damned by this digression,
memories that will fade away with time, because of 1 drunk driver.
We believed in fate and from day 1 we said we were "Lifers"
This mental and physical seperation will just cause grave depression.

The love of my life can't see the way she makes me smile..
and I can't hear her whisper to me late at night "Baby I'm horny"
loving her until I die, not listening to the people that warned me
Even if we didn't make it we still put the effort in, every mile.

The flashbacks stop and I'm back in the hospital room,
looking out to where she laid, her stomach moving up and down
beautiful in every aspect, the tears I've cried cause me to drown,
out my sorrow, and face facts that we're both physically doomed.

She turned to me in her peaceful slumber, her tear stained cheeks
I miss that smile that used to shine even in the darkest of times
I'll wait for her forever, because without her I'm destined to die.
Whether it be minutes, hours, days, fuck I'd wait over 100 weeks.

Something shakes me and I jolt up from my bed, confused.
I looked around and some how manage to hear the rain on the roof
I turn to see her smiling at me, "Baby can you see me"? It's true..
Nightmares always get the best of me but I never let them ensue.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...234/index.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...641/index.html

[KProp]

Your an amazing writer for open mic, but at the same time, I love your poetry. And not just because I'm such a sucker for the sappy romantic kind of things all the damn time but because its like a melody to my ears. Your poetry always soothes me, like this piece does. Keep writing, even though I always tell you too, but you should try writing poetry pieces more often.



<3

[[k]onquerer]

Hit this up, I need feedback. First poetry drop.

[Cinizter]

in my opinion the poem doesn't get really good until the 4th stanza:

Intellectual beings shouldn't be damned by this digression,
memories that will fade away with time, because of 1 drunk driver.
We believed in fate and from day 1 we said we were "Lifers"
This mental and physical seperation will just cause grave depression

I was starting to like the story that was being told and I was digging the ABBA rhymescheme....its kinda hard to write with that rhymescheme and stay on-topic.

o.k poem, wasn't really a stand out but you have potential.

[[k]onquerer]

Thanks for the feed, my first topical poem. was given a topic so i did my best with it haha. 'ppreciate it.

[Cinizter]

the topic was about two lovers physically injured in an accident with a drunk driver right?.....

[[k]onquerer]

one was blind, and one was deaf. it was at their reunion in the hospital.

[Will-EYE-Am]

Haha Love to read your poem drop. Nice job and i dig it for it being your first poem. Lol at kprop no offence but it seems like she always dig the sappy emotional pieces. Truth is im not very good criticizer in poetry And when he said u were using the ABBA style i remember reading about it but i dont remember it. so heres my best shot

It was a good drop for your first time. You should of used more imagery. and when your talking about the car crash with the drunk driver or being hooked up to needles and machines at the hospital try using alliteration. Im sure you no what that meens but if you dont ask... lol Good drop you got the emotional stuff down great

[[k]onquerer]

good looks, yeah ABBA style is hard but it makes it more interesting in a way. and yeah, im working on alliteration, metaphors, pretty much every other element to constructing a decent drop

[Spoken]

meh. i aint much of a rhymin' type of poet but you got some skills. your wording is kinda iffy like the direction you take to TRY and put us through doesn't really make for an interesting piece. none the less this was a nice read not GREAT but good not BAD eighter so don't take this the wrong way i feed only the just and you my friend have talent but you just need a bit more brush ups on your wording and narration for the reader to kind of catch where your metaphor is flippin' the script. you remind me of belligerent/leximus/ jon dagel... lol no offense to him but you rhyme your poetry when i read stuff like that to me it belongs in Open Mic not here cause i feel poetry doesn't have a structure or a depth. poetry is poetry free worded and emotional. so just try writing something with a deep deep meaning that you could easily relate to and see where that takes you in this section.

Intellectual beings shouldn't be damned by this digression,
memories that will fade away with time, because of 1 drunk driver.
We believed in fate and from day 1 we said we were "Lifers"
This mental and physical seperation will just cause grave depression.

Now this is alright nice twist...but is it digression? or disgression.... i like the lifer set up to be grave depression.

Something shakes me and I jolt up from my bed, confused.
I looked around and some how manage to hear the rain on the roof
I turn to see her smiling at me, "Baby can you see me"? It's true..
Nightmares always get the best of me but I never let them ensue.

your ending was a tad bit corny and played but you did finish with a nice rump..lol. the rain on the roof nice detail. but why would she ask you baby can you see me?... kind of iffy my friend. just touch up on directing your words more and fuck structure and see how well of a read you can come up with then but for now this is a nice drop it does deserve some feed.

keep up

-Mr.Write