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Thread: Stay true or stay skinny

  1. #1
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    8-7

    Stay true or stay skinny


    his idea of a backup plan
    was an extra pack of newports
    life can be such a cruel sport
    desensitized by brew and brandy
    no longer dreaming of sex in candyshops
    funny how cluelessness can come in handy
    dandyism abounds in these convoluted towns
    ellis d is on your heels, can you see the sounds
    mounds of problems cause peaks & valleys
    acoustic shadows make it hard to track me
    what was once a healing type of zany
    was a burning garden making me a complain freak
    the burning garden that lifted me to a plateau
    new, new age pop art syndicates
    kings of rock that can't play instruments
    stay true or stay skinny

    Love stinks and poetry heals
    eyes that showed me
    what vision itself could reveal













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    Hes many Things but not Everything-4FORTY
    Last edited by Cinizter; March 9th, 2010 at 08:36 PM

  2. #2
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Battle Record
    8-3

    Re: Stay true or stay skinny

    zany & complain freak - two words that struck me as nonpoetic in a way and kind of took away from the piece. otherwise it was cool, i liked how you used common phrases, ie, peaks and valleys, sex in candyshops. the piece was fluent and flowed well, but those two words i pointed out seemed to make it stumble a bit. i got a few messages from a few different stanzas, the title made me think of honest music/art vs popular music/art, and this part helped that image as well

    new, new age pop art syndicates (i liked the word syndicates here, made me think of pop art = evil. at least syndicate has a negative connotation to me)
    kings of rock that can't play instruments
    stay true or stay skinny

    the rest i felt like was a coming of age a little bit, "funny how cluelessness could come in handy" naiveity, idk i got a cool vibe from it though, im trying to combine the two ideas i saw in it, and ill think about it for a bit longer, but right now i just wanna let you know i read it and enjoyed it, and drop some feed

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  3. #3
    Newbie 4FORTY's Avatar
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    Re: Stay true or stay skinny

    wow i think the endings mah fav. part , "love stinks & poetry heals" wow classic, keep it up man, overall well written poem
    4.40

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  4. #4
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Battle Record
    2-0

    Re: Stay true or stay skinny

    I thought there were several good ideas in this.. Only a couple of times was I disappointed in your word choice.. like here for an example.

    "life can be such a cruel sport
    desensitized by brew and brandy
    no longer dreaming of sex in candyshops" ( I liked the first line, but really wasnt feeling the next too.. I wasnt really feeling the connection with those lines and the rest of your drop)

    My favorite part.. "can you see the sounds
    mounds of problems cause peaks & valleys
    acoustic shadows make it hard to track me" ( I thought that part was really ill.. loved the acoustic shadows line... really tied in well with the mounds of problmes cause peaks and valleys)

    nice drop man and thanks for all the feed in my joints, I really apreciate it.

    pz

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