A gift I shall never give her

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

A gift I shall never give her

In a moment, all is dark.

Lying together, rippling clouds surround us
On a bed - A safehouse.
Virginity lost to a less liked lover,
Enchanting beauty - I wish to lose it again.


However,
Everything lost in this field
Remains lost.

--

Helpless to resist,
Overpowering lust prevails.
Weak willed - I need her.

Calling my name with soft moans.
A pounding heart felt by lips,
Nestled passionately in her chest

Intimate, beautiful - Just Me and Her.

Soft touch - Pure, virgin skin
Held by unclean hands.
Over and over, gentle thrusts
Wonderous naivity contrasted by experience

Hatred. Hatred of experience.
Everything. I've felt it before
Rat-like filth.

--

Impossible sensation shared.

Golden moments - rusted by my past.
Aching sorrow, my love is useless.
Virginity - Her gift to me. I gave nothing.
Explicitly ridden with regret.

My gift for her is spent
Yawning, uncaring - she falls alseep

Generosity - I was generous once,
It was the wrong person.
Faceless memories of that girl,
Taboo. She was not the one.

Always, I'll be thankful for this girls gift
Wholesome. A true sign of love
Always, I'll regret giving my gift to someone else
Yes. I gave it too early.

Virginity is a gift.
Keep hold of it.
Only one person deserves to take it from you
Nobody else matters.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...194/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...738/index.html

[Puncha Blurta]

haha it's like you wrote it for a sexual awareness day at school or something... very moral. emotionally sweet, i'd like to see you write a piece using similar techniques but with more interesting.. nah not more interesting.. it's just subject matter like this is never my cup of tea.. so a piece with these techniques but with a less moral message, that i would like a lot. personal preferences aside, this was well written and well thought out. props for that
pz

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

bump

[Cinizter]

This was a deep poem in my opinion....I felt like you handled a hard topic with ease. I liked how the first few stanzas deal with you explaining how with one girl she gave you her virginity and everything was right in that moment.
but in the other few stanzas toward the end it was like you gave a girl your virginity and she was not the right person??.

I also think the acronyms for each stanza was another creative touch.

peace.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Hmmm... Not quite, I worded this badly. It was a quick piece.

But it was more she gave me hers, but i'd already given mine to somebody else.
And I felt like she'd given up something important to me... and I had nothing to give her.

Thanks for the feed man, really appreciated.
I'll hit one of yours tomorrow when I wake up man

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

bump

[Galactus The Devourer]

I enjoyed this... I think for the most part it was worded really well.. Maybe a couple of touch ups and you can switch up the meaning of a couple of lines to clearly get your intended meaning.

Generosity - I was generous once,
It was the wrong person.
Faceless memories of that girl,
Taboo. She was not the one.

I thought that part was pretty clear.. you gave your virginity to another who was not the right person...

anyways creative drop.. pz

[Jamhuri]

I'm glad someone noticed this was an acrostic. It was really well-done man.
No doubt the last 4 lines do alot of bad to the overall piece. Makes the whole poem feel less personal.
It sounded pretty staright forward to me. You lose your purity to a girl you half-cared about and its feels worse as you take away someone else's.
To some exentents, it felt like having to use words that start with a fixed letter somewhat limited how fine your wordchoice could be. eg

Impossible sensation shared.

Good poem overall. I dug the objectivity.


.

[Jamhuri]

I'm glad someone noticed this was an acrostic. It was really well-done man.
No doubt the last 4 lines do alot of bad to the overall piece. Makes the whole poem feel less personal.
It sounded pretty staright forward to me. You lose your purity to a girl you half-cared about and its feels worse as you take away someone else's.
To some exentents, it felt like having to use words that start with a fixed letter somewhat limited how fine your wordchoice could be. eg

Impossible sensation shared.

Good poem overall. I dug the objectivity.


.