Regrets Till Sun sets

[Morbid Dream]

Beautiful Sunset-A Brand New Day

Torture Till the Sun Sets




It’s a beautiful sunset
The end is near
I close my eyes
My mind is clear
I dream away the pain
Of being here
Till I fade away
And I disappear
A beautiful sunset
The end is here

No regard for the future
And I wont pretend
When all that I hope for
Is this days end
So Im closing the book
And throwing it away
Cos the end is here now
For my longest day
Then I close my eyes
And in tears I pray
For the perfect sunrise
Of a brand new day



It’s been a long day
Since I wore this shirt
Since you dawned on me
And I ate this dirt
Im closing the book now
Distress in my smile
Forced to accept how
This wasn’t worthwhile
But the sky is fading
Into a bright horizon
A thousand words
Of a brand new day


I took your coin
And you took my mind
I have loose change
But you robbed me blind
On the surface lies
Signs of hate so deep
So I close my eyes
And I fall asleep
I dream away the pain
Till I disappear
I can start again
Now the end is near


All them sleepless nights
Wakeful in fear
And miserable cold sweats
Of a hated career
I’ve dreamed of this sunset
The end is here
For my longest day yet
These wasted years
Then I close my eyes
As the night gives way
To the perfect sunrise
Of a brand new day

A new beggining. A new career. A new road. A new life.



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...9&postcount=14

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...16&postcount=8

[Puncha Blurta]

this was really boring
i liked these lines:

And I ate this dirt
Im closing the book now

but somewhere after that I started to loose interest and just began skimming, i could see it getting a bit more interesting but the start was so dull that i didn't really care any more. plus all that sunlight was hurting my eyes, this thread should have a warning wear sunglasses label attached to it fo real.

i know that there are heads who will maybe like this + think it's good but it aint my cup of tea at all, i see you got a HoF, i'll see if i can't find it to check you aint always on this snore party tip.

[Cinizter]

It’s a beautiful sunset
The end is near
I close my eyes
My mind is clear
I dream away the pain
Of being here
Till I fade away
And I disappear
A beautiful sunset
The end is here

No regard for the future
And I wont pretend
When all that I hope for
Is this days end
So Im closing the book
And throwing it away
Cos the end is here now
For my longest day
Then I close my eyes
And in tears I pray
For the perfect sunrise
Of a brand new day

I liked the sing-songy vibe of the lyrics in your stanza's for this poem....I wasn't feeling all the pictures in between them though. I think the one sunrise was imagery enough for what you were trying to say.

It wasn't boring in my opinion but I do think you could've been more creative cause the title really draws in the reader but then its like you didn't do all you could with the piece. I see what you were trying to do with the rhymescheme but in the end it was kinda simple and came off as mediocre.

peace/

[Morbid Dream]

Thanks Cinister. I see what you mean I suppose. Maybe the idea of putting a rhyme scheme into a poetic piece is more skillful than I thought. Takes focus away from content. Just not interested in writing a mythological fantasy with sparkly themes.

[[k]onquerer]

This was really simple and I figure you were trying to keep the lines even as to not throw off readers. But as an avid writer I've learned that people like structure that will catch attention and this one didn't catch mine. A little boring and I feel that you have more skill that you aren't using for some reason. Keep elevating.

[Galactus The Devourer]

Alright concept, but you may need more than just concept. You had really short lines but that makes it that much harder to incorporate deep and meaningfull ideas.. rtf plz thank you. pz