Confessions part 1

[yung nothing]

Confession time truth in every line
in every not and every rhyme
until this mountain has been climbed
here we go
my philosophy comes with hyprocrisy
love democracy til its at odds with me
honestly if I were thinking properly
I would want you all to copy me
if only just to honor me
I have humility as long as it has utility
but if it is futility, I start to think oh silly me
I dont have to practice what I preach
or learn from what I teach
conscience lurking like a leach
Im outta reach though it may beseech
gonna take a back seat till the cycle is complete
dont wanna like immortal technique
not here to simply be unique
and where it out till unique is obsolete
going through the motions, lather rinse repeat
I should love a challenge cuz iron sharpens iron
but when it gets tough i wanna just retire
I've lost all Ire and fire
to do what need to to go oh so much higher
clarity is given to bleakness, strength to weakness
lost the sweatness and structure with no neatness
a lot of efforts go to hell in a handbasket
take a look at it.... its my casket
there's life, I passed it
and alot of times I have to really admit
I just half assed it
my convictions are another matter
we got rich we got fatter
now we cant climb the ladder
rather have some brownie batter
culture in tatters
excited by money can hardly hold our bladders
blame rockers and rappers
instead of looking in where shit really happens
everyones their own god in their own theocracy
forget democracy theres a new theology
self centered economies rely on petty sociology
what the hell is anthropology
everyone is labelled simply by geography
doing what you what is most important
oppress those you have more than
disagree with me, heres the door then
I dont wanna sound morbid, but shit gets horrid
culture gets waterboarded and the poor get only porridge
simple clockwork like an orange
the righteous do no wrong but right instead
end up dead, covered in lead,
spattered red where they bled
as I lay down my head, I remember that book I read
about life being never ending thread
I thought that it was shit back then
but I get it now it makes some sense
killed by murder or accident
doesnt matter when the twine is rent
its over and done with and I'm still nothing
maybe not yung anymore but death wasnt bluffing

just the first part but I wanted to get it out and get some feed hopefully. really trying to improve so feed appreciated.

[yung nothing]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...387/index.html

[yung nothing]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...398/index.html

[yung nothing]

upp

[JLoCo]

ok let me be honest with you here in an attempt to enable you to grasp your potential and rather then spitting every rhyme you can think of hold out on us a little bit. let me explain. this was very lengthy (in terms of what I am able to complete and still pay attention to) I prefer much shorter written pieces and that is strictly my opinion. its not any reason I can tell you other then my attention span tends to fall off if I gotta scroll too far down to finish reading. It is also to follow the flow when you lose your place as you progress down the page. know what Im saying. again just what I like as far as writtens go. Now as far as your flow goes i'd say it is varied. there are times when the flow was smooth and continuous for several bars consistantly. and then there were other portions that for numerous lines I found it hard to pick the flow back up. almost like it was an intermission or something. I can see you have a good idea of how to incorporate multis into your scheme, but as I was saying, try holding out on us a bit. by that I mean instead of dropping every word that you can think of that rhymes in a series of two or three lines, try extending them to maybe 4-6 lines instead. by doing this, your structure will immediately improve as will your overall verse automatically. try doing this with the multiple syllable words the most, i think you will find what Im saying to work for you with out you really changing your style very much. stay up. oh yeah check my other current drop: "Times anything but easy" thanx. out.

[yung nothing]

thanks for the feed.

[yung nothing]

this piece kinda does have a strange flow, but it fits to certain beats, its just not easy to pick out an a generic scheme.

[rhymebad]

wow its long but it all right you could made two verses of this very easy it wasn't a bad read really liked this part over all

I dont have to practice what I preach
or learn from what I teach
conscience lurking like a leach
Im outta reach though it may beseech
gonna take a back seat till the cycle is complete
dont wanna like immortal technique
not here to simply be unique
and where it out till unique is obsolete
going through the motions, lather rinse repeat

[yung nothing]

thanks for the feed. It is def long, but I kinda just write from the soul. I dont worry that much about technique or length. I sat down wrote this piece in maybe 20 minutes and just posted it.

[yung nothing]

some more feed please.

[Iglosone]

yeah.. this was better than your last piece I read IMO rhyme wise and content wise.. I would suggest structuren' you rhymes to more of a easy to read style

stick to the noraml 1 line= 4 count

1-2-3-4
1-2-3-4

Confession time truth in every line in every not
and every rhyme until this mountain has been climbed
1 2 3
your syllables are off man.. your last line is only a 3 count

here we go my philosophy comes with hyprocrisy
love democracy til its at odds with me honestly if I were thinking properly
I would want you all to copy me if only just to honor me


you need to go back to the basics of flow IMO and line length

1, 2, 3 and to the four type of shit.. it will make your stuff alot easier to follow flow wise